What to do when you come in from the barn!

2011 Academy Awards, starring the grinning Hathaway and the smirking Franco

2011-03-12T13:36:00.000-08:00

Photos from: Celebuzz, Go Fug Yourself, and People

Yeah I know, the Academy Awards happened like, oh, a week or four months ago, but between sketchy rural internet problems, kids, horse manure and income tax season, it's taken me a long time to get it together. But you don't read these for punctuality, right? You're here for the clothes!

So the Experts all say this was the WORST Oscars ever. Blah blah blah. It clocked in under three hours, had a few awkward moments, and was just bad enough to be interesting. It was no Snow-White-Rob-Lowe disaster, you know what I mean?

Besides, Anne Hathaway is so charming.

And her co-host, James Franco, is so weird! Of course in my world weird is good. It just might not go over so well on television.

Okay it wasn't the BEST EVER. But damn, Anne tried her best to hold things up.

James... well he looked to me like he'd maybe taken a large amount of herbal anti-anxiety remedy. Ha ha. If you know what I mean. He pretty much did the entire show in that exact position.

Easy boy... Don't move too fast there buddy! Just...take it...sloooooooow.

I'm willing to cut them some slack because they are movie actors, not comedians, not live theatre performers.

Anyways, the opening montage was funny. But I always think it's funny.

Hey hey hey with the finger cannons! I do think he's cute. With the crooked smile and those little crows-feet and all. Weird AND cute. Hmmm.

(I'd rather forget that the gender-bending song and dance number happened. Thanks.)

Helena Bonham Carter didn't win an award for Best Actress so I'm giving her the Hick Chic Award For Most Consistently Awesome Favourite British Actress. I adore her.

She inspires me. I totally wore my hair like that to the Junos a couple years ago. Maybe not exactly like that. Close. I love it that she's carrying a fan and sunglasses.

And I love her husband too!

Melissa Leo will now forever be known as the Oscar Winner Who Dropped The F Bomb. I bet she's a fun chick to hang around with. You'd never know what would happen next. We could spend hours laughing, and debating what the heck this dress is made of. Is it lace or is it that paper doily kind of stuff some people's Grandmas put under the cake plate? Do I like this dress or not?? It's flattering on her? It looks itchy? Do you like it??? Her hair and make up are really natural looking and she has a pretty smile.

Kirk Douglas, all 94 years of him, presented her with the award. "You look much prettier than you did in the movie," he told her.

The Experts figure he was full-on senile rather than makin' a funny. I think he knew quite well what he was doing- flirting with the redhead!

Speaking of redhead:

Amy Adams looked so elegant and pretty! That colour with her hair and skin! The unexpected emerald jewellery! And the dress fits!!!

But here's the thing: is it itchy?????

Because I think it looks itchy. Like, when she puts her arms at her sides, do the sequins scratch? I think of these things. You know, while I am wearing overalls and swinging a muck fork.

Halle Berry was Halle Berry.

Does she even try?? She always, always looks gorgeous. She makes it look "so f***in' easy" if we are to use the most repeated phrase of the evening.

There's her bum.

I still haven't seen True Grit. What the heck, eh? It's got horses in it. It's got villains and hats and swagger. It's got a strong and determined young lady character. It's got Jeff Bridges!

I hope we see more of young Hailee Steinfeld. She's kind of stolen my heart. I love it that she showed up for the Oscars looking perfectly fourteen, rather than trying to look a decade or two older. Man I hope she doesn't end up going all Britney Lindsey Spears Lohan Sheen.

She seems like a cool kid. See? She gets to hang with THE DUDE.

You know what other movie I still haven't seen? Inception. Oh wait - I dreamed it. Never mind.

Anne changed into a fairytale goth princess gown. With the hair to match. Wasn't she cute in The Princess Diaries? I keep forgetting she's a grown up now.

Cate Blanchett presented the award for best make up. Here's what she said after the clip for The Wolfman: "Gross." Then it won. That was great.

Her dress confuses me. I don't get it. The Experts rated it number one in both the Best Dressed and Worst Dressed categories, so at least I'm not the only confused onlooker. I think she is the only person in the world who could wear that and not look ridiculous.

Russell Brand brought his Mum to the red carpet. This picture is so cute...It looks like he's saying "This is m' Mum, the woman what birthed me." And she's saying, "Bloody 'ell I'm just glad this one stayed alive, I am!"

Russell presented an award with his costar from The Tempest, Helen Mirren.

Man, I seriously can't believe I still haven't seen The Tempest.

This man is insane in the most highly functioning, adorable and eccentric English kind of way. Plus he's a snappy dresser. This is a great suit, and I don't even like navy blue. He's always fun to look at.

Helen Mirren: classy perfect, Queen of the red carpet. (see what I did there? Geddit? the Queen?)

I love RDJ.

That is all I have to say about that.

Oh - James woke up! He leaned over!

False alarm. He's back in position. Everybody relax.

He's relaxed, that's for sure!

Well, Gwyneth Paltrow sang for us.

Now, The Experts say she was terrible. Okay, she wasn't spectacular, that is for sure, and came nowhere near her Grammy duet with Cee Lo. But she sang live. On a stage in front of about a zillion people watching the Oscars. And the fact that she was imperfect means that she was singing live for real. So good job, Gwynnie!!!

Also she's likely the only one who could wear that silver dress.

Except for Celine, who sang during the Memorial tribute.

You know, I think having twins was good for her! I'm so glad she's not all bony like she was a few years ago. And yes, she sang live. Because she CAN.

Another lady who recently became a mother: Penelope Cruz, with her big hunk Javier.

You know, the Experts were all, "Wow, she had a baby, like, yesterday, and look how great she looks!" Heck with that. I'm saying, she had a baby, like, yesterday, and she's AWAKE AND DRESSED AND OUT OF THE HOUSE.

When I first saw Jennifer Hudson on the red carpet, I said, out loud, "YEEEOW! Jennifah!" I think she's a pretty woman, but hot damn she looks magnificent! What a gorgeous dress. The fit is flattering and the colour is perfect with her skin.

Of course, there was much whining about the boobage.

What's the problem here? She's got 'em under control. They're all wrangled in there real good, they're not going anywhere. She's got a grip on the situation.

The Experts hated on Jennifer Lawrence and her red dress. The two top comparisons were Baywatch and the Farrah Fawcett poster.

Well, okay. I can see it. It's not fancy, she has her hair down, etc. But I'm cutting her some slack because A she is young and B she looks good in this and so C I think she was right to wear this now while she still can because D gravity gets us all some day!!!

On the other end of the spectrum, Experts generally liked Mila Kunis.

How could the Experts disagree on such a beautiful look?

Apparently Justin Timberlake is also an Expert.

Alright, GIRL CRUSH. Scarlett Johansen.

Unfair? Man, she's got it going on. I loooove this dress! It's purple! And another purple! And lace! And another lace!

Oh I do love Scarlett, if for no other reason than she is representing the booty.

Hey- time for another outfit change!

Oooh, Shiny!

Sandra Bullock, classy, gorgeous and 100% Dirtbag-free...

...presented the Best Actor award to Colin Firth. He is lovely isn't he? So likeable.

I seriously can't believe I still haven't seen The King's Speech!

Natalie Portman had an awesome evening. Best Actress plus walking around while six months pregnant, wearing a beautiful dress and high heels! I'm impressed. When I was at that point I was lucky if I even got vertical.

Oh my gosh - she really is glowing!

This is one of my favourite dresses of the evening.

Wait, wait, there's more! Don't go yet! Anne's got a new dress on and James... James? Hey Franco, put down your *&%# gadget!

Quit gadgetting and just stand there looking cute and slightly baked.

Not sure why Liv Tyler and her dad were there, other than her part in a hugely successful trilogy, and him being STEVEN TYLER.

He's so great on The Steven Tyler Show.

Well, Anne got into a really cool dress with metallic fringes, which made me squeal in delighted envy. She gave it a good shake. I thought that was fun. Maybe the Experts would have liked the whle show better if she'd done more metallic-fringy-dress shakes.

James firmly planted his feet on the stage, clasped his hands and smirked sideways.

No shock, The King's Speech won Best Picture.

That would be the Movie I Haven't See Yet Darnit.

So yep, that's it that's all. We're done.

The Famous go out partying... and we go hit the sack.

G'night Folks!

Grammy 2011 - It's like a national holiday at our place.

2011-02-20T15:49:00.000-08:00

pictures from Go Fug Yourself, Celebuzz, and Rolling Stone.com

Oh man, there was a whole load of crazy at the Grammy's this year! Of course there was the mandatory lameness factor, but I was quite satisfied with the amount of extreme attention grabbing and posing and...oh yes. Music performing. And the distribution of small gramophones. (get it? Gramophone, Grammy?)

The show started off with a tribute to The Queen Of Soul. The Queen. The Living Legend.

ARETHA

She was unable to attend the show, but gave a video message. AND THIS IS HOW SHE DRESSED UP TO ADDRESS HER ADORING AUDIENCE! This, people, is just one reason why she is still The Queen. She hadn't been well last fall and I think she's looking pretty darn good.

And of course any tribute to Aretha requires a massive Diva-a-thon. Aaaaand that's what we got.

Yolanda Adams, Martina McBride, Christina Aguilera, Jennifer Hudson, and Florence Welch.

Yolanda - fantastic. What a range! Martina - flawless. Jennifer - full on Aretha mode. She's so pretty but I hated her dress. Florence - big voice for a skinny white girl.

Xtina kind of worried me. A little, I mean, it was just really... a lot.

See Martina and Jennifer? That's how I felt too.

Her eyelashes were visible from about 100 ft away. She was like Diva Barbie. It's like she's becoming a caricature of herself and that's not cool.

Anyways it was a giant wail-off but there's still only one Aretha.

And luckily there's only one Gaga because I don't think we could handle any more.

She showed up on the red carpet inside an egg. I think it was more like a larva.

"Can you see me? I'm trapped inside a giant larva and I can't hatch by myself! Hellllp meee!"

She did hatch eventually, on stage.

You know what I really, really wish would have happened? I wish she would have gotten her leg caught in it, like when Derek Smalls finally got out of his pod only to realize that David and Nigel had gotten back into theirs, then tried to get back in and got his arm stuck in the pod as it closed, and then raised his other fist in a compensatory rock and roll salute.

So you know, cool and all, imaginative etc but for me really a bit of a let down.

(Once you've seen This Is Spinal Tap five times, everything else is a bit of a let down.)

I have no idea what the stupid hat was all about. She's got great abs though.

Which all went to hell as soon as I noticed the shoulders. Ew.

Glue on shoulders? Really? Windmilling with the fake ponytail was fun though. It was actually a very high energy performance. I didn't get it but it was good! I think.

I've included this picture because I want to show the round bum cheeks. The heck...? I wonder... would that be comfortable or not? Is this what she'd wear on a date with Darth Vader? Who's the dude and why is she clutching him so tightly?

Well I totally lost interest because the next performance was by an extremely cool band called MUSE. I've been digging this band for a few years but wasn't aware how huge they are in countries that aren't Canada. My daughter is currently obsessed with Muse. I'm not exaggerating here. She has them on her iPod and has those earbuds plugged in every chance she gets. She bought the Muse songbook (for piano guitar and vocal... she's playing her violin to it. Of course.) She spends hours going through Google images for pictures of Muse and posts lyrics on her facebook page.

They did not disappoint. They were awesome.

Matthew Bellamy had a double neck guitar. It appeared to be two six strings. I'm not really sure what that was all about... other than being haaavy!

Their set included people with flags and dramatic revolution, and like, PYRO and lights and stuff.

YEAH!

They rock.

And they won. They win at rocking.

Cute little drummer Dominic Howard thanked my daughter. Well, not by name. He thanked THE FANS. She is definitely a loud and active part of that group of people. Bassist Chris Wolstenholme said nothing; we assume he's the strong silent type. Frontman Bellamy gave a shout in his acceptance speech to his beautiful pregnant girlfriend. You might have heard of her...Kate Hudson.

(I do believe she's glowing.)

Next up, Bruno Mars. I'd heard of this guy, but didn't know what the deal was.

Well the deal, as far as I can see, is that the kid is super talented and gosh darn adorable.

I can't help but think he could be the next classic, like throwback-meets-future.

Cute lil Miranda Lambert sang a sweet country song, and then...the live performances took a break. Sort of. Up until this point I was pretty sure everybody was singing live. I'm not the expert here - Jethro is, but he had to work that evening - I know, music biz guy can't take Grammy Night off work, but hey in this business any work is good work right? - but I heard enough slight and purely human mistakes to think it was all for real. Plus I asked Annyong who is gifted with her daddy's freaky sense of pitch.

Anyways. The Biebs. I know the kid can SING. I've heard him live.

The beginning of The Bieber Segment was a cheesy little scene with Usher reminiscing about tiny little Justin having the guts to track him down and ask to sing for him. I dunno... it's all true but maybe it's just that I'm not a big Usher fan. Nothing wrong with him... he's got a cute smile... he's just not my thing, you know? So The Biebs strummed his guitar and it looked staged but real enough.

But then things went kind of...prefab? I'm doubtful His People allowed a live performance... I'm going to guess whoever's in charge of these things went for flash and dance instead.

And I kind of zoned out.

Like, dude, really?

All that talent and this is what we're doing with it? Kid opens his mouth and it's like hearing angels, people, angels for crying out loud, and we get faux-street clothes and stoopid shades and those ridiculous headset face microphones that I dislike strongly.

Then cute-little-Jaden-Smith trotted out to do a Tough Cool Guy Smugness Routine with The Biebs and wow, I must be a black hearted meanie because I just did not dig this at all.

I mean, I'm a basically nice person, I like kittens and puppies and everything, but this... don't like it.

The good news is, the swirly hairdo is gone. The kid has eyebrows! Grandmothers everywhere are relieved.

Biebs did NOT win Best New Artist.

Esperanza Spalding did. From what I've heard, she totally deserves it.

She's a double-bass player and singer with a really cool style. I don't know much about jazz - I might not be phosisticated enough to get it! - but she's a cool chick. Check out that dress!

She'll probably get all kinds of hate mail from 9 year old girls. She and Biebs had a backstage conversation that "conveniently" got recorded, in which they complimented each other's hair. I'm serious.

The next musical act was a combo piece featuring Mumford & Sons - who I am officially a fan of now!!!

- and another nifty band of banjo playing old timey musicians whose name I seem to have totally forgotten despite kinda liking them. Gah. Somebody's brothers???? Help me out here!!!

Aaaaaand...Bob Dylan!

He ain't gonna work on Maggies farm no more. I just hope he keeps showing up. I've grown quite fond of his rhythmic mumbling and craggy grin and harmonica playing.

Later, in a total opposite of Bob and friends...

Oh my gosh people, for real. Cee Lo Green. Gwyneth Paltrow.

MUPPETS.

Also, fake rocket ships, a glittery piano, and feathers.

I liked Gwyneth here. She wore towering heels, like she does, and hot pink feather earrings, which I want. Badly. And can she sing? Why yes, we will allow her to sing!

They performed (The Song Otherwise Known As) Forget You. The Muppet background singers got to do the line, "Ain't that some SHHHH."

Cee Lo delights me. Here you can see him in his feather outfit which included a sparkly (chain mail?) hood, yellow and blue feathers sprouting from behind his head, and a silver chest plate with abs. It might have been a 60 pack. Annyong counted. That was some big silver abs.

This whole thing made me giggle and groove at the same time! For a second or so, I wasn't sure what I had just seen. But I loved it.

Well it takes all kinds to make a world. Our lovely Katy Perry stepped up to do a ballad... seriously... on a swing... with what appeared to be her wedding video projected onto a sheet behind her. And the sheet was actually...part of her dress.

Oh dear.

I like this girl. She's perky, she's gorgeous, fun, and always sings live. She's an overambitious singer, but she's reliable and gutsy. Keep all that in mind when I say I really didn't dig this.

Her red carpet outfit was classic Katy though. Show-offy and costumey and kinda goofy.

Dude, she had wings. And she brought her 90 year old grandma with her!

Of course there was much Russell Brand smoochiness.

Awwww.

All they need is a sunset and some unicorns frolicking in the background and it'd be the best wedding portrait ever.

Well, it's the Grammys, and that means an appearance by John "Depp-like" Mayer. Wow. It's like he studied all the press tours for those pirate movies before getting dressed. I mean, yes there are physical similarities between the two men, but geez!

(I still think he's cute, either because of or despite the Depp-ness!)

See what I mean????

John Mayer, Norah Jones, and Keith Urban did a little Dolly Parton tribute. I love Dolly, and this trio sang a very cool "Jolene" cover.

But enough of that - time to change things up. Eminem, dark haired and grown up and sporting a very impressive forehead vein, came out to do his angry rapping thing. I actually like this guy. His timing is incredible. Not like I know anything about rap.

His giant massive hit this year included Rhianna, so... here she is, in all her magnificence.

Oh my gosh I would wear this. I'm not kidding. That is some crazy big layers of skirt.

It really suited the song too.

Let's just talk about Rhianna for a minute. I think she's got a unique voice, she's beautiful, she is a strong lady, and she manages to be as naked as possible in public without technically breaking any rules.

Oh I just shrieked in giggles when I saw this. Is it a soft fuzzy accordion or an upholstered slinky?

Look at her expression.

This dress is ridiculous and I love it!

You'd have to be shaped like her to make it work, and few of us are shaped like her.

I got me some backside, but... I don't think I could get away with this. Although... I wonder if it camouflages cellulite...

Things went off the rails later on in the show. We'll get there soon. Trust me, it's awful.

But first, the obligatory message from Neil Portnow, president of the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences. He came out to say his speech about how important music is and how the music biz is (barely) alive, and while other people probably go out to the kitchen to get a snack, I'm on the couch going, "Yay! Music will never die!!! Say it loud, Neil! SUPPORT!"

Then the promised, first ever, historical event: Mick Jagger performs live on the Grammy Stage.

Oh. Wow.

Look, I know. Annyong's facebook page was, within seconds, (Yes she had it on while watching the show, these kids today) full of messages about how OLD Mick is and how WEIRD he is. Pffft. The Young. Youth is wasted on them.

Dude here is what, 68 years old? Hello? Think you'll be doing the Mick Jagger dance when you're sixty-eight? Heck I can't move like that now. Say what you will about his style but the feller is still as limber as ever. And, he looks like he's having a hell of a lot of fun!

And his voice? He sounds exactly the same as he always has. (Geez I hope he was live!)

I particularly love this photo.

Dare you to not love it!

Shifting gears once more, BARBRA sang, and I think I spent her entire song telling Annyong about Barbra's stage fright struggles, and that she overcame it and became the biggest star in the yadda yadda yadda. The woman is fabulous, she's like buttah. (Mike Meyers reference joke. You're welcome.)

As promised... the disastrous Drake set in which Rhianna wore something awful.

What the...? What? Is that... are those... mosaic undies? With red fringe? Huh? Strip show? Really? Gyrating and grinding?? Look, most guys I know would not have a problem with this... and I'm no prude, really...okay sometimes I get slightly prudish but only occasionally... but this? I don't even know what the song was. Too distracted. Both appalled and fascinated. And Drake - what up man? Why do you look so ANGRY? I have no idea if this guy's a good rapper or not. Maybe I'll never know.

But I do know this: We got some unintentional comedy out of it. Look at her face. (Look UP guys.)

She's all grinny and it looks like her eyes are rolled off to the side so far she can't even see. And again with the backside. The outfit is stupid and ugly but at least she's got something to show for it.

And speaking of backside...

Did anybody else think Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez's little schtick was weird?

He would sing a line of a song and she'd act like she was embarrassed and wanted him to just stop singing. AWKWARD!

And I'm thinking, OH NO! Are J Lo and Marc next? Say it isn't so! They're a great couple: he's a brilliant singer and she's fricking J LO!

She didn't sing. She doesn't have to.

A few other notable sightings on the internets the next day:

Cyndi Lauper.

I LOVED her when I was thirteen! You know what? She was my first concert. Oh my gosh she was fun. And weird. What a relief for my weird little 13 year old self. Know what else? I still dig her vibe and I'd love to sit down with her and go through the earring box.

As most of you know, I sometimes watch that big talent contest, especially now that Fricking J Lo and STEVEN TYLER whom I have always loved are on it.

Last year Crystal Bowersox stole my heart. She didn't win. I'm glad. She'll find her own way.

And she looked gorgeous.

Speaking of which...

Kelly Osbourne!!! Look at you!

I always thought the kid was cute. Even being a televised brat, I still thought she had a natural prettiness. She's grown into it while still keeping some brattitude. Plus she looks fit and healthy. WIN.

Well, the whole thing ended on a note of weirdness for me. Discordant? Dis-chord-ant? The Album of the Year is the Biggun at this awards show. It was won by a band that I just don't understand.

Arcade Fire, to critics and hipsters, are the coolest band going right now. To me, they're a bunch of people flailing at instruments and wailing into mics and looking like they haven't seen the sun in two months. Their music sounds like a bunch of drum thumping and monotonous strumming. The performance was full of harsh strobe lights that not only tried to distract me from the noise but darn near made me pass out.

But what do I know?

I'm not a musician. I thought Gaga's black plastic bum cheeks outfit was funny. I think banjoes are metal. I'd like to hear a Cee Lo- Biebs collaboration. What the hell do I know about music?

I'm the one reading reviews written by music snobs and wondering if anyone else has noticed that the emperor is nekkid. Ironically there is a line in an Arcade Fire song about an emperor with no clothes.

But you know what?

They're from my country. Whenever anybody from Canada does well globally, I'm happy. It ain't easy; a tour takes months because of the distances, and the music biz is really in a state of upheaval. (Or maybe I just think it's worse here?) I mean, a Canadian artist winning a freaking Grammy is a big deal. There's a lot of competition you know! So, I'm happy for them.

Most of all, I warmed to them because of their reaction to their win.

Pure elation.

They played another song, because they like music. That's what the man said.

I may not get it, but others are getting it, the band are doing what they love, and isn't that what music is all about?

SAG Awards! C'mon, say it with me, it's fun!

2011-02-04T11:20:00.000-08:00

I think the Screen Actors Guild Awards are the weirdest, nuttiest show out there. First of all, obviously, the acronym. SAG. Duh. It's like a big sign at the entrance: ALL OBSERVERS MUST MAKE JOKES. Also? For the introduction, in which the camera showed different people proclaiming "My name is Blah Blah and I am an actor" the mouth and words were out of sync! We got shots of the backs of people's heads, and some awkward Teleprompter reading. It just looked sloppy. Plus the music was awful, but at least some nice union musicians got a gig out of it and I'm all for gigging.

All of that haphazard presentation makes me smile. I like it when I'm not the only one who can't get the act together!

Best reason why the SAG awards are awesome, other than boob jokes? The actual award itself! Himself? There he is, holding his tragedy and comedy masks, with no mouth in his face but quite anatomically accurate. How can we not crack jokes??? Especially when Betty White runs her hand over the little butt on the dude!?

The award is a little nekkid dude!!! I saw a clip the next day of James Franco walking past a larger than life statue and patting its bum. Man, I would totally do that.

I won't bore you with the details concerning who actually won awards. Basically, Betty White is hilarious and that's the most important thing, really.

She deserved to go home with a nekkid dude! Even if he is only 11 inches tall! Hey, she's 89 years old. And her comedic timing is right on. And she has pretty silver hair.

Other most important thing? WHAT WERE PEOPLE WEARING???

RED!

Valerie Bertinelli, looking fantastic.

My husband had such a crush on her when he was a kid and she was Barbara Cooper.

And on that topic, here's another lady my husband totally digs: Tina Fey, the chick smart guys crush on.

Hey, you know last year when I used to call this lady "Eva Longoria Sickofher" instead of Eva Longoria Parker? Well I did. She was ubiquitous. On TV, in make up ads, on awards shows, just everywhere, and then being seen with her skeevy basketball player husband. She found out he was cheating and BOOM he's outta there. No sobbing interviews or drama, just kicked that loser to the curb, dropped his last name and friggin' got on with it. Quite triumphantly. And elegantly.

Which is great! But I don't like this dress. It makes her look like he waist is at her knees, and that's weird in an unfortunate way instead of a fun way.

But I'm not sick of her anymore.

I've been told I look like Hilary Swank. I think it's the toothy grin.

She looks nice, but kind of...pale? Flesh coloured? Hmmmm.

This is the perfect example for young teen girls: be like Hailee Steinfeld instead of... well, any child star desperate to grow up and shed the kid image by wearing really skanky clothes and getting all messed up/ drunk in public. And Miss Hailee, stay real!!!!

How cute is this dress? It's fun and youthful without screaming "Jailbait!!!" Finally somebody's stylist has gotten a clue!

Ah, one of my favourites. Helena Bonham Carter, she who wore different coloured shoes to the Golden Globes, and who often shows up wearing layers of gauzy silliness and a hairdo that looks like a grown out shrub - and I mean all of that in the coolest way possible. I love it that she isn't afraid to stand out.

And I think she looks really pretty here.

Which is easy because she is pretty.

Check out this saucy face. Of course she's saucy; she's British.

She's standing around with her sunglasses in her hand, like she just stopped by while driving over to the whatever to pick up a thing. Cooool.

So, I like this dress. A lot. I'd wear it, in a parallel universe.

On those extremely rare occasions requiring me to dress up, I often plan to look somewhat like cute little Mila Kunis here. Things go off the rails with me, so it's good that the real Mila has it all together. Thanks, girlfriend.

Natalie Portman showed off her baby bump and some people thought it was too much information.

I thought she looked so great that I temporarily lost my marbles and thought how cool it would be to get pregnant again, and have a chance to show off my baby belly, but then I gave my head a shake and I'm really quite over the whole thing now.

I'm not even sure who this chick is but she amuses me. Check out the pose.

Years worth of practicing in her bedroom mirror, I'm thinking. People do straaaange things when confronted with a camera. I know this from personal experience.

I love everything about this picture. Behold - Sofia Vergara, who is both gorgeous and funny. Now, look behind her. To the right, Lady Holding Papers. She's probably in charge of telling people where to go. To the left, Dude Taking Picture Of Sofia's Lovely Backside.

She DID NOT win a SAG award, by the way.

See? How can you not make boob jokes? Oh come on, we all like boobs, it's okay.

On that note, sort of, I must report that Geoffrey Rush, whom I think is one of the Greats, said these should be called "The Uplifting Awards." I don't think it was a boob joke. I just liked it.

And finally, a girl I admired quite a bit in my youth, mostly because of Beetlejuice, and also because she's the reason Johnny Depp has a tattoo on his right upper arm that reads, "Wino Forever."

But Winona Ryder looks a little uncomfortable here. Maybe even dazed or stunned. She could have relaxed, because this look really worked out well, I think.

Maybe she's onto something. Maybe it's best at times to just smile politely and keep your eyes open. You just never know what's gonna go down at these events...

...and that's what I love about SHOWBIZ!

The 2011 Golden Globes: the highlights!

2011-01-19T10:42:00.000-08:00

I got all these pictures from Go Fug Yourself, one of my favourite non-horse websites!

Remember how last year Ricky Gervais hosted the show, and cracked all kinds of jokes that made The Famous in the audience extremely uncomfortable? Well somebody has a bad memory or never learns a lesson, because he was back this year and snarkier than ever! I laughed. I admit it. I cringed at the same time. He's so greasy, so offensive, and so funny. He and Russell Brand should be in a movie together.

I wonder if they'll have him back next year...

I love awards shows because of the clothes.

It's funny to look at people stuck in the background. The Non-famous. The people wearing passes around their necks. Who is Sofia Vergara waving at? Hi!

I love this particular awards show because it's TV and movies, all mixed together. Most of all, everybody has to wiggle between the tables to get to the stage, and I'm always afraid there will be some kind of tripping and falling accident. However, I'd love to see how that gets handled. What happens if a star spills a drink on her dress? I think of these things.

But nothing bizarre happened. We didn't even see any truly bizarre clothes. The anticipation is worth it though.

A whole bunch of TV shows that I have never watched got awards.

Now let's see some clothes!

First, Christina Hendricks, whose show (Mad Men) I've never seen although I hear I should, but I don't think I get that channel, therefore I have no idea if she's a good actor or not, but still I kind of like her. She's different. She doesn't look all toothpicky. I like her name. Sometimes she looks just a teensy little bit crazy.

Wow. An hourglass. Erupting? Volcano dress? What if she wants to look over her left shoulder? I don't get it. But it's very RED and I appreciate the boldness it takes to wear red.

Coincidentally, her co-star January Jones also wore red. I like her name too but more in an oddball kind of way. I also do not get her dress. At all.

I don't know man, I just think a couple strips of ribbon can't be called a "dress." However, I will award her with the official Immature Golden Globes Snickering Boob Joke.

This is how it's done, ladies. I mean if you've got it. Which I don't, but she does, and she knows what to do.

Love the hair, love the dress, love the attitude! Love Sofia Vergara on Modern Family! Hey! A TV show I actually watch.

Red, red, red!

And almost red. Remember "Married With Children?" You watched it, c'mon and admit it. Katey "Peg Bundy" Sagal took a trophy looking fan-frickin-tastic. I like long sleeves. Everybody else looks freezing cold in comparison, you know?

Cute Moment: when her name was called, the camera cut to Ed "Al Bundy" O'Neil, who grinned and beamed at his former co-star.

This now concludes the red dress collection.

Christian Bale, aka Batman, accepted an award looking like Jesus. I'm not kidding. Jesus in a tux. He's got shoulder length hair and a full gingery beard and moustache. I like long hair, I like beards (most of the time) and I like Jesus so I was fine with this look.

We rarely get to hear his real accent. He's Welsh. He just plays Americans. Cuz he's an actor. And he wins awards for it.

Steve Buscemi won an award too. My kids know him as Norther Winslow from Big Fish. He slips into the role of Creepy Guy so easily and so brilliantly. He is actually a nice guy who just plays creepy guys. See? ACTING.

Man, I really don't watch much TV.

In a Moment I particularly love, Geoffrey Rush and Tilda Swinton presented an award.

I think he's fantastic - I've seen him in quite a few movies - and although I only know her as the White Witch in that first Narnia movie, I find her fascinating. In a weird kind of way. She wears strange things, like this outfit, which appears to be a white shirt and pale boring satin skirt, but then looked like the two pieces were sewn together. She's super tall, extremely white, doesn't wear much make up, and usually slicks back her short hair... she kind of looks like a statue. She looks like David Bowie. She looks like an alien. She is so different. Dude, she winked at the photographers!

What will she do next????

And speaking of unpredictable: Our boy Johnny Depp sat in the audience, chewing gum nervously and trying not to look like he couldn't wait to bolt. I feel sorry for the guy. He loves making movies, but I get a strong feeling he doesn't like this part of his job.

He looked gorgeous though.

I love it how he's wearing a very elegant tux but then Depps it up with the wallet chain and the straggly hair and moustache. Screwing the rules of formal wear! yeah!

You know how Johnny was nominated twice in the same category? He didn't win. (I suspect he was relieved.) Paul Giamatti won, and I dig him, in a schlubby kind of way. (Watch American Splendor.) Of course I thought it was sweet that he thanked the Great Nation Of Canada. Give that guy a beer!

Hey- a surprise I can't find a picture of - The Biebs presented and his hair... it was NOT A COMBOVER! The kid has eyebrows! There is hope yet people. There is hope.

The other popular colour was red's opposite: green! First good example is Catherine Zeta Jones.

So the dress, gorgeous, yeah of course, but even better - her husband is ALIVE!! Thin, pale, but he's up and at it. He successfully survived cancer treatment! Yay! We got a Real Meaningful Moment when he got to the stage to an audience standing and clapping, and Michael Douglas humbly said, "There's gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation."

More green: Brangie. Well technically, Angelina, since Brad was wearing a tux and honestly, looking super skeevy. I'm not kidding.

Sigh. Every year there has to be a Slicked Back Greasy Dude. This year, it was Brad. He amped it up by wearing shades as well. Oh Brad. Geez.

As much as it's cool to see Angelina wearing something other than black (I think she looks good in black and I get it that it makes getting dressed waaay easier) I gotta say... I don't like this dress.

Sorry Brad I cannot get with the thumbs up on this one. (Please wash your hair.)

It looks itchy. You know? I hate itchy fabric! It's a nice green, and it's cool that she's wearing long sleeves when so many others are half nekkid. But, itchy. That's all I can think about.

Also, and this really bothers me... she has no bum. How does she sit? What is it like to go through life with no bum? She's just too thin.

They were hilarious during the show. First she was fixing his bow tie. Awww. Then she was leaning on his shoulder. Mostly she looked very distracted. After coming back from commercial we caught her fixing her lipstick. Awkward Moment! Why did I think that was awesome? Of course she wears lipstick. It was just, this final primping and quickly putting it away like we shouldn't see that. Hee hee!

With all the red and green, only one woman was bold enough to do BOTH. Helena Bonham Carter.

THE SHOES. Look at the shoes. Also the hair, the incredibly busy dress. Wow. The shoes. Pretty much everybody else on the internet says it's all hideous, but you know what? I love it. On anybody else it would just be ridiculous, but she has the personality to carry it off.

There were a few pink dresses too.

Let's have a look at winner Claire Danes. I think she looked great!

I love the colour, and she has the shoulders for it.

More importantly, she was part of The Best Moment Of The Evening. Claire's win was for portraying Temple Grandin in a TV movie, and Temple herself was there. The two shared a big hug before Claire got to the stage. That's so cool. Temple was wearing a cowboy shirt, like she always does, and their respect for each other was obvious. I loved that.

More Pink!

This is kind of over the top. I'd wear it! Not with the train though. I didn't even have that on my wedding dress. How do these women navigate with dresses like this?

Natalie Portman and her unborn child wore a really pretty pale pink dress with a big red sequinned rose up front.

I like this. I like red and pink together. The rose; it kind of reminded me of Valentine's day cards made with handfuls of glitter and white glue. I'm not sure if that's good or not. But I like the dress and she looks great!

The Social Network was the night's big winner, and I doubt I'll ever see it. I'm sick of Facebook, I'm not a computer nerd, and I just don't care. This movie is a sausage fest. Computer Geek sausage fest. Can't relate.

Anne Hathaway will be co-hosting the Oscars. Good thing it's a month away because it could take a while to get out of this heaavvvy dress.

Yay, Oscars!

Heidi the Hick hands out the 2010 Awards!

2011-01-13T10:56:00.000-08:00

Yeah I know, 2010 was over almost two weeks ago, and I have plenty of good excuses why this is so late, but they're boring, so let's get the fun going and HAND OUT SOME AWARDS!

BEST USE OF JOHNNY DEPP IN A MOVIE:

ALICE IN WONDERLAND

Almost unrecognizable, totally unsexy (unless you're into this kind of thing, hey I won't judge) and really defining the classical use of the word "mad," Johnny is a delight!

A disturbing delight. A possibly frightening, most likely unpredictable delight.

And really, this is why he's my favourite. He's not afraid to do this, and he throws himself right into it. I mean seriously, is this nightmare inducing or hilarious? BOTH!

MOST IGNORED USE OF JOHNNY DEPP IN A MOVIE

THE TOURIST

He looks gorgeous in this flick. The fake beard is kind of fun. Yeah it's fake; when have you ever seen him as himself with that much carefully manscaped facial hair? Also: am I the only one who obsesses about details like beards and moustaches and silver hairs???

Anyways... I couldn't tell from the trailers if it was a thriller, a black comedy or a romance. All of the above? The scenery looks really nice...

It's not that I didn't want to go see it, it's just that December is not a good time of year for me to go gallivanting to the movie theatre, but having said that I don't really gallivant very often, so um, sorry Johnny. I didn't see your movie. I'll catch it on video!!

Dude, nice jammies!

BEST TANK STUNT

Okay, think it over. TANK STUNT.

I don't care if it's impossible, alright? Tank stunt, people.

Also, Bradley Cooper has pretty blue eyes.

Hey, help me out here: was the original van from the show a Ford? It's a badass GMC this time around. This movie totally ignited my craving to have a full size van with a fully shag carpeted interior.

THE "TOM FRIGGIN CRUISE DOES ALL HIS OWN STUNTS" AWARD

GOES TO TOM CRUISE!!!

How funny is this still shot?

I took my younguns to see this. I couldn't tell you what the heck it's about... just lots of chase scenes and explosions. The kids loved it, because, you know, TOM FRIGGIN CRUISE. He does all his own stunts you know.

It was fun, despite all the gun shooting and crap. I'm not crazy about shooting scenes. But oh man, the three of us roared with laughter when ALL the black clad Bad Guys fell to their deaths, fatally wounded from one well-aimed shot. Classic!

I wish they would have done more with Cameron Diaz. She played a chick who restores muscle cars, but we only saw the '66 GTO maybe three times. Rip off! It irritated me that she spent most of the movie getting drugged or being knocked unconscious. This is Cameron Diaz... doesn't she do All Her Own Stunts too?

There are so many behind the scenes pictures like this on the internet. Know why? CUZ HE DOES ALL HIS OWN STUNTS!

(Nice boots, Cam!)

MOST AWESOME SUPERVILLAIN COMEDY

DESPICABLE ME!

Loved it! Love the politically incorrect, vaguely accented villain.

Love the three kids.

Love the minions. Don't even know what the heck they are, but they're funny.

Love the nerdy up-coming villain. Groovy pad, dude.

Adored Kyle the vicious dog.

Watch it and have a laugh.

MOST INCREDIBLE TRILOGY/ BEST BOOK OF THE YEAR AWARD

Believe all the praise you hear about The Hunger Games Trilogy. It is well written, intense, gripping, frightening, and will make you think about the world we live in.

I warn you: be prepared to read all three.

It is the rare story that grabbed me, then my 16 year old daughter, then my 14 year old son. Worth the money to buy all three of the books.

BEST FAMILY DRAMA, NOVEL CATEGORY

SOME KIND OF NORMAL by Heidi Willis was technically published at the end of 2009, but I read it in 2010 and it's my blog so I say it counts.

Mostly I'm putting it here because I love this story.

I've bought it twice to give away as a gift. That's how much I love it.

BEST SERIES WRITTEN BY A GUY I KNOW IN REAL LIFE!

The DREAMCAST series by Paul Telegdi.

I knew about this guy's skill at storytelling, as I'd read a few of his books already. For these stories, he goes in a different direction: Young man discovers psychic abilities (very unpleasantly) and feels compelled to stop violent criminals.

Here's his website!

BEST DEPRAVED ROCK STAR AUTOBIOGRAPHY

It's the book I'm reading at the time I'm writing this report. Yep, got it for Christmas! Enjoying it, cos it's bluddy grawer up yer muvvah fargggher! Larf larf larf! Izzex endrugs en rogckenroll, man!

Of course, I award Keef's book, but I haven't read I AM OZZY yet...!

THE ACTOR CAREER SWITCH NOVEL AWARD

After reading an excerpt, I asked for it for a gift. So let's see, Steve Martin is: a wild and crazy guy, a grammy winning banjo player, an actor and a pretty darn good writer.

BEST BAND YOU NEED TO FIND OUT ABOUT AWARD

You know when you have a friend who's in a band, and you know he's a good musician, but you're deathly afraid that his band might not be very good so you're nervous to go see them? And you know that feeling of relief when you find out the whole band are good musicians, they totally have their s*** together, and put on a rocking live show? Oh, and then your elation when you get their album in your hands, and the packaging is gorgeous, and the songs are excellent and it ROCKS?!

THAT.

(To be honest, I totally expected this to be awesome, and it is.)

THE "COMEBACK? HE NEVER WENT AWAY" AWARD

ROBERT PLANT!

He went back to Nashville and made a record, called BAND OF JOY with a whole new set of musicians. It's kind of a bluegrass meets folk meets early Golden-God-Rock. Right? Wonderful.

But maybe don't trust my opinion. I'm totally biased. I love the man. If he sang the phone book I'd swoon.

Oh, you gnarly old lion. I am still in love with yoooooooooo!

I don't care if you're the same age as my mother!

My love doesn't lead to the freeway and I don't care what the neighbours say.

This concludes Heidi the Hick's 2010 Awards.

Hey, started the awards with Johnny Depp and finished with Robert Plant.

Maybe 2010 wasn't so bad after all!

How to attend an Ozzy Osbourne concert (November 27 2010, Air Canada Centre, Toronto)

2010-12-15T07:37:00.000-08:00

This was my second Ozzy show, so I knew what to expect. Basically, I expected AWESOME and that is exactly what Ozzy delivered! It was pretty much the same show as the one in Hamilton a few years before which I am perfectly okay with, because this act never gets old for me. If you ever get a chance to see him live, GO. It's worth it!

First thing I can tell you about going to see Ozzy is that the arena will be half empty for the opening act. Hate to say it but it's true. Sorry, Rob Halford. You were amazing in Judas Priest, and you are as haavy as ever, but Ozzy's fans are rabidly loyal.

Ozzy knows it and gives it all back to the audience.

You'll know it's almost time when the lights dim and the giant screens light up. He always starts the show with a screamingly funny video montage with Ozzy ripping on all the big pop culture events. This time around, Avatar, Jersey Shore, Lady GaGa and Beyonce (Ozzy rarely turns down an opportunity to make an ass of himself in drag!) The Hangover, and to top it all off... Twilight. Ozzy in a puffy Edward wig and huge magazine worthy eyebrows... when she says it out loud...VAMPIRE... Ozzy replies, "Vampiah? Vampiahs ah PUSSIES! I'm the Prinzafucchhhhingdahkness!!!"

Never let anybody tell you that this man does not have a sense of humour.

Finally the man himself is on stage, grinning, clapping, and demanding that we join him. And I do mean, DEMANDING.

"I CAHN'T FOCCHHHING HEAAAAAA YOOOUUUUU!"

And he probably truly can't hear us, but it doesn't matter, because we will yell louder than we did before, just to make sure Ozzy can focchhing hear us!

When he yells, "LEMME SEE YA HANDS!" well heck if I had six hands I'd throw 'em all up in the air.

Understand what an accomplishment this is, because I am not a clap-along kind of person. I get really uncomfortable when we're supposed to clap along in church, I'm not kidding. And yet here's the most demented insane cheerleader on earth clapping his hands above his head and I'm right there.

He tells us he loves us and we believe him. He might not know what city he's in but I have no doubt he loves us! In Toronto he confided that he's still insane and it's f***ing good to be crazy.

Darn right, man. Couldn't agree more. Shout it loud.

He then announced that he's been doing THIS for FORTY-TWO YEARS. This is important to understand, because people have been saying great things about his last couple albums, things like, "Ozzy's still got it" and "Ozzy knows how to do his thing yet stay current." This is all true. But the thing is...

Ozzy invented this stuff.

And he's not kidding about being crazy, either. I saw the roadies bring out the friggin fire hose during between acts and I was glad I wasn't in the floor seats. Let me tell you, if you're in the first few rows at an Ozzy concert, you are going to get soaked.

It wasn't even a fire hose this time; it was like a soap cannon or something. Ozzy likes to stick his head in a pail of water every now and then throughout the show. Then he comes up to the mic looking all deranged and gruesome, clapping water drops and grinning. Being a generous guy he shares with the audience. He douses himself with the foam hose, which makes him grin maniacally and totally looks like the Joker. I mean, the Ledger version of the Joker. Demented!

Then a roadie dressed in black scurries out to wipe the foam off the monitors and refill the water buckets.

Fun!

What impresses me the most is the man's voice. He sounds great - pitch perfect, confident of every note, and just as clear as thirty years earlier. He hasn't lost that distinctive sound that only he has. He may move with the jerky clumsiness of an old man, and sometimes look like he's hanging on to that mic stand for dear life, but his voice is as solid as ever. It's like no time has passed. It's pretty amazing considering the abuse he put himself through.

Ozzy has an excellent band backing him up. I really think this is one of his keys to success: always having the best musicians around him. It's been working for four decades... why mess with a good thing?

He introduced his band, starting with bass player, Blasko.

That's Mr Blasko to you.

At our gig he wore a T shirt depicting Ozzy with a Canadian flag. Nice!

On keyboards and guitar, Adam Wakeman, whom I could not see from where I was sitting... when I first saw him come out to play guitar for a Black Sabbath song, I thought he was the mystery guest.

Good thing he was there, too. "Mr Crowley" wouldn't have been the same without him!

Ozzy described drummer Tommy Clufetos (had to look up the name; unintelligible) as really skinny but he plays like a Muthahf*********ah.

No kidding. This guy is intense. And, he's got the coolest drum riser... it lifts up above the stage and shoots smoke out of pipes like exhaust pipes and it's the kind of gimmick that makes all of us adrenaline-fuelled headbangers lose our minds. Plus he's a hell of a drummer!

Before introducing his guitar player, Ozzy reminded us that he has played with some of the best guitarists on the planet. Tony Iommi. Randy Rhoads. Jake E Lee. Zakk Wylde. And now...

GUS G.

Now I didn't know much about this guy going in, other than his mind blowing work on the new album. I'd seen a pic in a magazine and thought, "He looks like a KID!" And also, "Hmmm. Gus. Long thick curly hair. Sideburns. Betcha he's Greek!" Aren't all Greek guys called Gus or Stavros? I'm thinking about the last guy who cut my hair, an incredibly hetero dude with those dark brown bedroom eyes, who couldn't stop complimenting me on my long thick curly hair. He thought I should have been Greek too.

Well I don't know what they're drinking over there in Greece, but young Gus G here has been a rock music phenomenon in Europe for years, proving once again that we in North America are always behind with this stuff.

The four of us were debating how old he is. The guys figured less than 25 but I suspected he's older than that but baby faced. I was right. He's thirty. Regardless, he's never lived in a world without Ozzy Osbourne. And now he's up there on the stage at the guy's left hand, a position formerly occupied by a string of guitar heroes. Wow!

And see what I mean about baby faced??? I mean, he slings a mean axe, but how cute is he?

And I do mean cute in a wicked, haavy, frightening, METAL kind of way, of course.

In searching up pictures, I found the most epic one of Gus. (Good timing, photographer!)

This makes me want to have every picture of me from now on be taken like this.

If you love a good rock show and you get a chance to see Ozzy live, GO. DO IT. You will not regret it.

They play songs spanning the entire career, from the monstrous Black Sabbath to the huge hits from his early solo career, and new songs.

Wear good shoes, because you will be on your feet for two hours. Be prepared to clap so much you start worrying that the big scar on the inside of your knuckle could bust open and spew blood everywhere (although Ozzy would probably think that was funny.) Understand that you will not have much of a voice the next day from all the yelling and screaming and hooting and hollering. If you make a living with your ears, I'm not kidding, you better wear ear plugs. It's ok, it really only takes the top end off. Believe me, ear plugs cannot silence this audio avalanche!

You'll walk out of that concert feeling... cleansed! Happy! And loved! Because this really is a giant heavy metal love fest. Ozzy loves us, we love him. At the end of the night, he very clearly says, "God bless you all!"

Awwww. Ozzy you're so sweet. And yet so delightfully frightening.

I've heard people accusing him of becoming just an irrelevant joke, but I so strongly disagree. He simply refuses to take himself seriously. Nobody has more fun on stage, rocking out, than Ozzy Osbourne. He fully intends to do this forever and croak right there on the stage.

I just hope he keeps this up for a few more years, because I'd love to get to Ozzy concert #3.

Soundgarden: a brief history of the band according to Heidi

2010-10-24T21:55:00.000-07:00

In the late 1980s when I was pigging out on Led Zeppelin and Guns N Roses, something really cool was happening in Seattle, and I knew nothing about it.

Soundgarden was getting started. There were a few line-up changes around this time, but Kim Thayil (with his long black hair and bushy beard) was the man with the guitar, and Chris Cornell (that gorgeous bare chested creature in the above photo), was playing guitar while trying out his incredible voice. Drummer Matt Cameron joined around this time... and apparently hasn't aged since. Around 1990 Ben Shepherd joined up on bass and the permanent Soundgarden line up was solidified.

They built up a following on the west coast, far away from a goofy teenager's awareness here in Ontario.

Eventually I started to read about this band in the occasional music mag I'd pick up at the grocery store. The name was catchy. I heard cool words like ULTRAMEGA OK and BADMOTORFINGER. You know I love words, so I took a bit of notice. It took until 1991 for their music to reach me. This was pre-internet, you know, the dark ages. That summer I got married and moved to a place close to the big bad city. I was listening to the Big Bad City radio station. Ah, finally I got to hear some of these bands I'd only read about!

Then I started college. This was the month that Metallica unleashed their Black Album, and Nirvana gave us Nevermind and changed everything. Also there were video screens in the Student Pub. I looked up one day when I heard "Jesus Christ Pose" and kind of lost my ability to speak for a minute or three.

This was a result of two things. One, I am very easily distracted by good looking men. Give them musical instruments and I'm finished. And two, apparently this band was impoverished in those early days and could not afford to buy Chris any shirts. Please refer back to point # 1.

On top of that, the whole video was all flashing strobes of fast edits and over exposed colours. Kinda blew my mind.

I got to see what the guys looked like. Ben Shepherd has one of the best chin-dimples in music. That is more than a dimple; that's like, a valley. He's nicely craggy. Matt Cameron is boyishly cute - and remains that way twenty years later. Kim Thayil is the coolest, haaviest vibing dude since Tony Iommi. They both play Gibsons and appear to not ever break a sweat. Now that's cool.

I put Chris Cornell on my list of rock star crushes and have kept him there ever since. He's not only gorgeous, he's got great singing technique and range and man he can write a song. His lyrics knock me out.

And yes, if you have been reading here for any length of time, I do have a type. I married a dude with long dark hair and incredibly pretty eyes, and he played guitar.

Anyways, BADMOTORFINGER gave the world three singles that were all heavy and huge, with lots of yowling vocals and mysterious lyrics, and some messed up time signatures. I got a listen to the album at the occasional college house party.

I was impoverished back in them days- not so much that I had to go shirtless, thankfully, but just enough that buying stacks of CDs was out of reach. As a result, I was familiar with the songs on this album but only knew the titles of three of them.

If I was lucky I'd catch "Rusty Cage" on the radio, turn up the crappy stereo in our Mercury Capri and just rock the heck out while it was on.

I love the following photo. It goes like this: Cute, Mysterious, Allthatandyou'rewearingflanneltoo*swoon* and Too Cool For Leather.

Well, eventually my beloved and I (my real, true life beloved) were the co-producers on this epic project called Our First Baby. It was 1994, and SUPERUNKNOWN became the album that would be a huge hit for them. The cover freaked me out. I bought it anyways.

Seriously, wha??? Giant screaming elf ravages forest reflection?

Chris had cut his hair short by this time. He kept his Nefarious Frenchman facial hair so I was okay with that. Matt continued to not age.

The first single, "Spoonman," jumped out of the speakers and grabbed me. It had a similar effect on my unborn child, who - I am not kidding - danced in utero every time that song was on. Every time. I remember the two of us driving up the highway, in the dark, in the ol' Capri, and the baby was just thrashing away under my giant dress. We called the baby our little Spoon Man.

I know, isn't that funny? We sure thought it was cute. Turns out, it was really our Spoon Chickie and a year later, she was hanging onto the edge of her play pen and grinning while bouncing in time. She was a little too young yet to learn how to throw the horns but she had the idea down.

Soon we released out own follow-up, Baby the Second, and our small apartment was filled with the happy/ frightening sounds of a young family. I dropped out of pop culture for a time there. If the TV was on, it was tuned into shows about puppets. SUPERUNKNOWN was one of the albums I kept listening to, despite the toddler- induced social solitude and to be honest, a post-partum depression that was never really properly diagnosed or treated. I had rock therapy. I think it helped. (Thanks, guys. I mean it.)

I finally managed to get my hands on a copy of BADMOTORFINGER too around that time. Because I needed the extra dosage. Music was, and still is, the best medicine for me!!

DOWN ON THE UPSIDE was released in 1996 but I didn't really figure that out until about a year later. We'd bought a house we couldn't afford in 1997 and again, buying discs wasn't happening for us. One night I was up with the hungry baby and caught a live performance of "Pretty Noose" on Saturday Night Live. Other than that I was back to catching songs on the radio, only now it was while driving the four door Dodge sedan through the subdivision on the way to the grocery store.

It was also on the car radio, while rolling up to a stop sign, that I heard about the band's break-up announcement. What a drag. I mean, what a serious disappointment. But even though I felt like it was the end of an era, I sort of got it. They would not get to the Crappy Album Phase that so many bands go through. They'd never put out the boring album made because they'd become complacent in their songwriting, and lazy in their performances. They quit when things were still good. They put a stop to the band before musical direction disagreements turned into full on fights. They didn't start hating each other.

Anyways. I love this picture too, because I'm all about clothes and they're wearing work boots, jeans, and canvas coats. I'm in love.

So time went on and the guys all found stuff to do. Each of them got busy with other bands and album projects, which I love, because I understand people who simply must make music. Most famously, Matt Cameron joined Pearl Jam, and Chris Cornell collaborated with 3/4 of Rage Against The Machine to form a new group, Audioslave. I loved that band. I bought all three albums (we were down to one car at the time, so I didn't have to fork out at the gas station!) and when our kids were 11 and 9, we took them to Toronto for an Audioslave concert.

Then that ended too.

Chris Cornell put together an intriguing solo album, his second, and then did a third one recently.

And then the rumours started. Soundgarden, back together?

I didn't pay much attention. By this time, my life is pretty much informed by the internet, that wonderful and often totally unreliable source of everything.

But... the rumours were true!

Again, driving. This time, back home after taking a kid to early morning band practice. Not only had Soundgarden re-formed for several concerts over the summer, but they'd put together a compilation and included a new, sort of newish, single!

And on top of all that, Chris let his hair grow out again. *Swoon*

Because I'm truly a Breathless Fan kind of person, easily starstruck and stupidly loyal, I am really excited about this reunion. I don't know if they plan anything ongoing and at this point don't care - I'll just soak this up while I can.

I've been having fun digging up new pictures of the band. Imagine how pleased I am at how great these guys look, almost twenty years after the crush started.

Ben, with his hair back and looking werewolfy. Chris, still all pretty-eyed and curly-haired. Kim, looking like he should have had that silver beard all along, to set off those big dark eyes. And Matt, appearing to be all of twenty-nine years old now that everybody else is in the 45- 50 range. Wow man, hanging around with Eddie Vedder must be the fountain of youth!

Found some great live shots.

Shepherd demonstrates how great bass players hold the instrument. It's gotta be darn near knee level, and that's the family rule in my house. The only guys allowed to play any kind of guitar up under their armpits are? Let's hear it kids: Flea, Tim Commerford, and That Guy From Level 42. If you are not any of those guys, get that thing close to the floor.

Thayil's taken up hat wearing. I'm cool with that.

Cornell demonstrates the Jesus Christ Pose. Like he's been carrying the load.

And yet hasn't forgotten how to do the Classic Frontman Guitar Position #3.

Meahnwhile, ~~Dorian Gray~~ Matt Cameron here has one of the best drummer pictures EVER. He's just doing his thing, man, and has enough time to sort of look over his shoulder to say hi.

I have never seen them live. I figured I never would. Could I be so lucky some day?

TELEPHANTASM includes a DVD of videos. I'd only seen two of them. Mind you, there weren't many shirts involved in the two I had seen.

The kids and I have done some studying and have come up with a formula for making a Soundgarden video.

Flames

Flashing lights

Throwing around of long hair, also known as "windmilling"

shirtlessness

deserts (or sand if the location budget is tight)

very fast edits

individual shots of each band member

things melting and burning

transparencies

flames

things that are the colour of flames.

It's been a blast to listen to this double CD set, because I missed out on so much of the earlier work. The liner notes are fun too. Just don't leave the first disc in the stereo of your Mom's car. She won't think the lyrics to "Big Dumb Sex" are very funny. You've been warned.

Now sit yourself down to enjoy some videos!

"Fell On Black Days"

(I love this song. The black and white video is stark and gorgeous- and doesn't follow the formula!)

"Burden In My Hand"

(deserts, flames, things that are the colour of flames, individual shots)

...and because everything about this song ROCKS...

"Rusty Cage"

(very fast edits, flashing things, flames, individual shots, copious amounts of hair flinging, PLUS, oh my gosh, flannel, irate villagers, insanity face (on both an irate dude as well as Chris) dogs, a shack, and a nasty old Chevy truck. It could be the best video ever made!)

Later dudes. I have some rockin' out to do.

2010 Emmy awards and VMA: We're really just here for the outfits, man.

2010-09-15T08:10:00.000-07:00

Yeah I know. The Emmy awards were ages ago. Hey, I'm really busy over here, what with farrier visits and sharing a car with Grandma while I am left truckless!! I couldn't leave the Emmy thing without a comment though, so have a look and then we'll get to the real fun stuff dished up over at MTV. Honestly, I didn't even watch the VMAs. There's this great thing called the Internet though, so I got what I needed to know. Namely, what everybody wore! Get in and get comfy, here we go...

Tina Fey is genuinely talented, funny, and an extremely good looking woman. I know, what's not to love? She looked so good in this dress, I want to tap her on the shoulder and say, "Tina, you're gorgeous and you look perfect in this dress, so SMILE lady!" But I don't asked to help with these things. I should be, though. I got ideas.

I hope that face is a smug expression of triumph, because she rocks.

Next, the expression of happiness. Look how cute this girl is! I'm not sure if the dress is crooked or if she's standing sort of off centre, but I do like it. I wonder if the ruffles make swishing noises.

(Who is she? Is she on Glee? I'm afraid of that show.)

It's Crazy Dress Time! January Jones has a fun name, and wore a dress made of some kind of weird fabric that looks like crimped blue tin foil. It looks wildly uncomfortable.

However, it doesn't look like anybody else's dress, so good job there. She knows how to work it. Her hair looks much like mine does after picking out eight hooves. I think that's a good thing. Most of all I love how this photo was snapped on an angle. Whoooo-ahhhh-oooohhhh! She's on Mad Men. Should I be watching that show?

Her castmate, Christina Hendricks, is an unbelievable red-haired barbie doll. She is by no means large, but she clearly hasn't tried to starve herself into a stupid Hollywood size zero. Yay!

I like the colour on her fair skin, and it looks feathery. I like feathers. Lavender feathers are a bonus!

I don't like this though. By the looks of it, she doesn't either. So sad.

But I do like looking at people in the background in some of these photos. Where are they going? Who are they talking to? Are they also former farm kids and can't believe they're really there with all the famous people? Are they too wondering what the heck is wrong with Anna's skirt?

I love this picture the MOST. I love Rita Wilson's crazy sparkly... chandelier looking... drape? over her dress. I love that she matched the shoes to it!

And really love how Tom Hanks is back there grinning at his wife. This makes me happy all over!

Speaking of husband and wife: Kevin and Kyra forever! If you don't like Kevin Bacon, you are lying. Kyra Sedgwick is so pretty and doesn't pretend to be ten years younger than she is. She once played a sister to Julia Roberts, which made perfect sense to me.

I like her loose wavy hair. And you know, his shades. Because he's Kevin Bacon and he can.

Toni Collette's dress disturbs me. Only her fierce attitude saves it.

I can't help it... I just think it looks like she accidentally dragged a grey dress through a wet field on the way there. I want to like it, because it is interesting, but it's the possibility that I'll have to hose if off and hang it on the fence until morning. Sorry Toni. I'm sure everybody said that, and you got sick of hearing it, and you really thought this dress was cool. Oh well. Shorter hem next year??

Jane Lynch is awesome. She's been in a few movies put together by Christopher Guest (whom I love) and even though I don't watch Glee, I know that Sue Sylvester is a legendary character!

Doesn't she look beautiful in this purple gown?!?

Also, the actual award itself... doesn't it look like the hood ornament from a magnificent and now extinct luxury car from the 1920s?

I can't remember who all won stuff, and truthfully don't totally care. George Clooney got a special humanitarian award. I like George. He's a solid actor and he just seems like a genuinely cool dude. Smart too. No nonsense, just a clever, funny, articulate, friendly, decent guy.

Plus he's just so darn good looking.

You can love him, go ahead. Just don't plan on marrying him, Ok?

Okay enough of the respectable serious stuff. Let's get some fun going on here. And who brings the fun better than anybody else these days? Katy Perry!

She's wearing what looks like a black tattoo on a nekkid torso, and it's one of the most formal and elegant things she's worn. There is no fake food sewn onto it. Her hair has colours in it and you know I can't resist colourful hair!

Most of all...

This girl is just so darn beautiful. It's natural. I know she's wearing a layer of makeup but she's pretty for real. And, she sings live. You can tell by the odd bum note here and there. I'm not being mean, because even awesome singers miss a few, and I have so much respect for anybody who performs for real!

And then... part the seas of the ordinary... make way for the fierce. The magnificent. The frightening.

The Gaga.

Can I tell you how much I love this picture? She's all like, "I need not command the riff raff to move. They simply shall clear the way." And her personal hand holder/ dress wrangler/ wig steadier looks rather afraid of her. And what's with the guy on the other side with medals on his jacket????

Just bizarre.

She's totally got the attitude for this dress. Also it appears that she has gold metal feathers on her head. She looks like she is owning the place, and totally relishing it.

I mean, what's not to love. Unless you totally resent her for making music that sticks in your head like rubber cement, especially if you're angry that those sticky tunes contain non-words. Completely justified, really, but you still gotta hand it to her for bringing the confidently crazy to the show.

By contrast, this youngun looks miserable. I think I would be too if I chose a plastic dress to wear to the VMAs. I'd be totally uncomfortable, worried about heat rash and trying to figure out where to put that rope glued to my head, and then friggin Gaga comes storming in on a cloud of red and black and gold swirls with her stupid head feathers and stupid blue and pink hair and stupid own-face. Geez. And then I'd worry that people won't even get it that the rope is supposed to be a braid, like a long Rapunzel kind of braid, and on top of all that nobody's even noticing these legs which are actually surprisingly great, and yeah, I'd look miserable too.

Besides, what does Gaga actually look like? Unless she's dressed in something that isn't technically clothes, would be recognize her? I know I tend to look like a different person in every photo, but this chick... I just don't know what to say. She only slightly looks like someone related to her.

On a different but related (see what I did there) topic, yes, apparently she is wearing a meat dress. Those are two words that shouldn't go together. At first I saw the pictures and thought, "there's no way that's real meat. It's canvas or something with an incredibly intricate dye job." But then I started thinking about BBQ and marbling and wow, if that really is meat, this just opens a whole other can of pork and beans, man. Like, are we that wasteful in the "developed" world that we can just wear food? You know nobody's gonna wanna cook this up when she's done with it. And at least Katy Perry's sushi dress was fake sushi. Although there are probably carnivorous men in this world who would think, "Woman + meat =happiness" so there's that, but still... and then I have to stop thinking about it.

Luckily, we have Cher. She is still here to make us forget everything else. So yeah, Gag gag. And you too Madonna and Ke-dollarsign-a and Rhianna and all you girls, talented or not, who think you got the shock value thing all figured out.

No, dude. Cher invented that shock value thing.

Say what you want about her age, her giant wig, or her heavily made up face. She's 64. And she's rocking that ridiculous suit she first wore 25 years ago- in a video MTV was scared of.

Honestly, this isn't fair... I mean, few of us can aspire to being in this shape at 64. Few of us are now. Maybe she's got a whopping combo of good genes and luck. Maybe she can afford a magic fitness guru, I don't know, but she's kind of unrealistic. Heck, good for her. Way to show up and put everything in its place Cher. Now please make another movie!!!

Well, most people were watching this show to see if good ol Kanye would do anything bone headed, and how Sweet Taylor would respond. Oh my gosh. I'm kinda glad I didn't watch this. I mean, I tell you I watch the awards shows so you don't have to, but man, this must have been awkward.

What is she, 19? She's wearing as much makeup as Cher. They've made her unrecognizable. Seriously if I hadn't been told this is Taylor Swift, I might have thought she was Natalie Maines, who is cute, but no longer nineteen years old.

Well, the leather wingback chair is nice, and that national guitar is lovely. I'd like to give the poor girl a pair of soft fuzzy socks. I know how hard it is to warm your toes with your other toes.

Can you imagine her stylists and publicists and managers debating this look/ vibe/ song choice/ lighting/ for the last year? Ack. I mean, it makes me tired just thinking of it.

So let's talk about Kanye.

I have spent the last few years trying to decide if I like this guy or not. He alternately pisses me off, delights me, irritates me, amuses me, and makes me wonder why his clothes always look like really expensive but highly tacky upholstery.

I keep hearing about his hilarious twitter posts. I can't figure out if he knows he's funny or if he takes himself seriously. If you really want the Kanye Report, the Fug Girls said it best.

So if we're keeping track, it looks to me like the Kanye/ Taylor smackdown was a big giant awkward nothing. Apparently missing the actual broadcast didn't ruin my life.

Next year they should ask Gaga's wild Alexander McQueen royalty gown to host the show.

2010 OSCAR REPORT (cuz Heidi the Hick loves showbiz)

2010-03-10T08:22:00.000-08:00

Let's just get the shocking truth out of the way right now.

I did not watch the Oscars.

I wanted to, but let's just say I was very busy this weekend. As the hours ticked by and my work wasn't done yet, anything on TV got less important. Good news: finished the job. (sort of.) More good news: This "internet" system got invented so that people like me can catch up on stuff we missed. Oh magical Internet... I don't have a clue how it works, I can't decide if I love it or hate it, but I can hardly live without it.

On with the show!!!

Okay so first of all, I missed The Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin Show. Or was it the Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin Show? I think Steve Martin is reliably hilarious. Did you know he's a great banjo player? It's true. He can play any depressing song on a banjo and make it sound happy. And Baldwin, well, he's... A-rec Baw-win! As Bucky would say, it just got smarmy in here. And you like it.

They appear to be holding hands in this picture.

I assume here they're riffing on Avatar. Or maybe that movie about the meatballs that Sweetie saw with a couple of little kids. It gave her a headache.

Now this! I do not know what THIS is! Clearly, it involves Neil Patrick Harris, who has been known to make me giggle, and a couple of showgirls, and possibly a couple more dancers in tuxes. I have no idea why, but I don't think he needs a reason.

Is that a freakin' sparkly tuxedo smoking jacket he's wearing? It looks like it'd crackle with every movement, which is icky and adds to the funny. It was funny, right?

Speaking of funny... I didn't have to watch the Oscars to see THIS about five times. Every news show ran it repeatedly the next day.

It was friggin' hilarious the first two! Then it was like, yeh. Doesn't Stiller look terrifying in this shot? I couldn't find a pic of his tail. That wouldn't get old. Tails are awesome, even if they're sticking out of the seat of pants.

There was a John Hughes tribute, which I was disappointed to have missed. Some of those movies were defining moments in my life. I remember being about 13 and thinking Pretty in Pink was the best movie ever. I liked her car. Years later I wondered how the heck an impoverished teenager could afford to buy a vintage Volkswagen Kharman Ghia regardless of the condition it was in. Also years later I noticed that cute redheaded Molly was really good at playing cute redheaded Molly but whatever. John Hughes made an entire movie about high school detention. Dudes, I did some of my best sketches in detention. Good times.

Also, two words for you: Uncle. Buck.

Alright. Time for the real reason you're here. CLOTHES. Ohmygosh thisissomuchfun let's do this!

Here I dug up a pic of Tarantino with Diane Krueger, (aka Woman from National Treasure movies).

I'm starting off with this dress because it caused some controversy. Half of the gossip/ entertainment/ news type people who allegedly get to spout opinions on this things (I hereby appoint myself as one of them) absolutely LOVED this dress. The other half HATED it. I think it's cool! All those ribbons and ruffles! That creamy pale pink with the black contrast! Can you imagine how much my cat would love this?! However I'm still a practical farm kid at heart and I can't figure how one would sit in a dress like that. Wouldn't all those little rose-shaped ruffles get crushed?

And another divisive outfit, this time on good ol' SJP, who can always be counted on to show up and be photographed. This year she had on this bizarre sheath with some kind of silver ornamentation and a neck strap... and it was like... the back was... Oh heck I just don't know.

It stirred up some serious Love-Hate.

Thing is, she brings her Permanent Date with her, Matthew "Ferris Bueller" Broderick. You know. Star of One Of The Best Movies Ever. Speaking of John Hughes.

Now let's get to a dress that just made my mom sad. "That poor girl," she said, "Doesn't she have a mirror?" Maybe she only looked at her side view. Seems okay, right? Pretty colour.

But um, from the front it looks like she's got rose-boobs. Grabby hands. Soft Targets. Swirly Nippies. Cupcakes. Hypnotizers. Does she know? Is she aware that in the picture above, it appears that people behind her are laughing at her. So sad.

Then we got over it, because A) she's Charlize Theron and this will likely not wreck her career, and B) there are much worse to come.

Like THIS.

THIS just makes me angry. I'm serious. Angry for so many reasons.

The Cyrus Kid. Oh, forehead slap, head shake, Cyrus Kid.

I don't know why she's there, I don't know how she can be so cute and yet sound like a 67-year old pool-hall lizard when she speaks, and I don't know how she can have parents who let her out of the house looking like THIS.

In every single picture from the Oscars, she's slouched, hunched over, with her arms clasped to her sides. It looks like her rib cage has been squished. She looks uncomfortable and fake. If she lifted her arms even an inch, she'd pop right out of that hideous K-mart looking corset top. Also the skirt on that thing is gross.

I don't understand this - doesn't anybody love her???? Doesn't anybody look at this situation and wonder why this kid is wearing a cheap looking dress that is clearly too small for her? Why can't they just let her be a teenager? Why must she be dressed in tacky tight crap that makes her look miserable?

Gah. People.

Then there's this, which doesn't make me angry, but simply perplexed.

I just don't get it.

Also, why this very pale thin young lady decided to wear a dress that makes her top half look like she was poured into a flute glass. She looks like a tube with a puffy skirt. The skirt is lovely, although it looks like it might be made out of bubble wrap. But that bodice, it's ready to swallow up anything that falls out of her face. It's not good.

This is better. It's purty and soft. I just wish it was a slightly more bold shade of dusty pinky rosy blush.

OH my GOSH is that a peek of LEG? I almost didn't see that. It blends. The lace is cute though. Reminds me of the curtains I plan to hang in my future farm house. In the formal dining room/ horse observation lounge. Oh yes, big filmy ruffly lacy curtains, like Dolly Parton's Opry gowns. Wait, where was I?

Ah, Monique, amazing piece of work.

Great colour, and with her hair back we can see her pretty face. She won the little golden dude for Best Supporting Actress. I have got to see that movie, even though I'm kind of scared of it.

This girl is a riot. I'm honestly not sure about the dress. Everybody else seems to be all over it with the gushing, but I think it's a little too busy. I've seen her in better. I just don't think it's as flattering as it could be. Having said that, royal blue is stunning against her dark skin, and it totally matches her fun, sparkling personality!

I love her name. Gabour-AY. It seems a shame to shorten it to Gabby. I hope we see more of her. I'm surprised she didn't win the Oscar, because from the movie clips I've seen, she put down one hell of a piece of acting. Geez. She's nothing like that character. She's a total blast.

I think Jeff Bridges is awesome. He's the Dude, man. He looked cool and confident, and I love how he and his pretty wife look together. They've been married for over 30 years. Good job!

Check him out with the grey streaks in her hair and beard, the well weathered squint. Contrasts so beautifully with the tux! She's lovely too. Not a crazy dress, just elegant and classy.

Speaking of which. Kathryn Bigelow! I just read that she's 58 years old. Obviously she's very athletic and fit. She doesn't strike me as being a frilly girly-girl. I think this silver dress suited her very well.

Oh look, another fun couple!

How much do we love RDJ?!?

His wife Susan is stunning. Who can get away with sparkly horizontal stripes???? Um, her. Also I think it's fun that his bow tie matches her dress. He's gotten some flack from some of the more perfeshnul critics for wearing sneakers but hey man, he wasn't up for an award. He didn't really need to be super formal. Also, he is RDJ and therefore he can do what he wants.

Winslet. She should have looked like this last year when she won. Sigh.

Not very exciting but flattering and lovely. Her hair looks sculpted but still soft. I hated her hair when she was the Oscar winner. It looked like a helmet. This is so much better!

Helen Mirren is gorgeous and doesn't try to pretend to be younger than she is.

She always looks beautiful. I really think on anybody else this would be at the best, boring, and at the worst, frumpy. Yet on her it's all, yow, baby, you sparkling silver fox!

Also I think Meryl (aka Best Living Actress Just Accept It) looked so pretty. I love her soft hairdo and perfect make up.

Sandra Bullock! Pefect! Gorgeous! Formal and elegant but still looked like herself!

Normally I'd be very suspicious of this fabric. It looks like it might be the kind of thing I touch when it's hanging on a rack in a store then pull my hand back like it got burned because the fabric is all slippery and icky. But no! It looks like liquid smooth fanfrickintastic!

I am not going to call Carey Mulligan Cute. She must be really sick of that by now. Instead I will say that she is a pretty young lady and reminds me of Mia Farrow in the 60s. That's okay, right?

I love, love love, this dress. It fits right, the hem is different, and it sparkles. She paired it with giant dangly earrings which really stand out with her short hair. I'm not sure about the shoes but she's young and hip so she can make it work.

But what I really seriously love about this dress is the unexpectedness of the sparklies: they are actually tiny little shiny things! Objects! Scissors, buttons, a fork, maybe a wee saxophone? I mean, why the hell not? It turns a very formal gown into a walking museum of fun!

And if you want fun - Vera Farmiga wore this fuschia ruffle tube! Some hated it! Said it was: too much sculpture, too bright on her pale skin, wrong lipstick colour, wrong colour. I say, IT'S PINK.

I mean, hello? Does she look like she's having fun? Heck yes!

I don't think I could wear it. At 5'1" I think that dress would wear me. But I still like it.

And in the crazy fun category, Zoe Saldana's wild purple pom pom creation at first scared me a little but it's grown on me like a weed from another planet. The colour!! The sparkly top! The weird waist flap! Then... the layers of floofy ruffly skirt balls? What the heck is going on there???

Again, she looks so happy and pleased. This is the face a great dress should result in. Well not her face specifically. Although that would be nice. She is gorgeous. What I mean is that in every picture I found, she's flashing that brilliant smile, working the heck outta that insane dress, and apparently loving every minute of it. I'd call that a success.

Anyways, so awards. Yes. I haven't seen The Blind Side. I guess this means our girl Sandy did a good job! I loved her speech. Sometimes I think we love her regardless of her acting skills, just because she's such a cool chick. I'd totally hang with her. I'd even go shopping with her and I hate shopping.

The big story was Hurt Locker vs. Avatar. Cameron vs. Bigelow. The small budget vs. the big budget. Oh and also they were married for two years, way back about twenty years ago.

I think by the look on her face in this picture I dug up, she's not really all that scared of the Big Bad Cameron.

I am so, so, so pleased with this.

I thought Avatar was magnificent, but I remember seeing ads for The Hurt Locker and thinking it looked absolutely intense, with a sly little sense of humour lurking in there. It might be the one war movie I'd actually watch. That's something. So far the only war movie I've enjoyed was Tropic Thunder and yeah, no, that doesn't count.

I hope the Academy gets their act together from now on. I'd really like to see it become less of a White Boys' Club. But I'd also like the recording studio biz to be profitable and for every day to be nice and warm and for my horses to behave consistently. I mean, it's possible. It's a goal to work towards. Y'know?

Look at this. I love this.

I know this feeling.

That's all I'm going to say.

And for anybody who believes that awards are bullshit, I'd like to counter it with this picture.

Yep. They're B.S. until you win one.

Now I have to figure out how to get the best of all these ideas into one ass kicking red carpet creation suitable for the wilds of beautiful Newfoundland...

(Oh my gosh, I just realized they're all strapless and I don't have much to hold anything like that up. Yikes!)

So, agreements? Disagreements? What did I leave out? What did you love and hate about the show, or about this little report? And can we do this again next year????

2010 Golden Globes! (it's ok if you don't get it. I'll get it for ya.)

2010-02-17T14:04:00.000-08:00

I admit, I still don't get the Golden Globe awards. I like it though. Movie and TV people all sit in the same room, at round tables, and have to zig zag their way to the stage when their names are called.

I'm pretty sure there are drinkies at those tables, because sometimes the acceptance speeches get a little bit exuberant.

You gotta love a televised awards presentashe in which the host brings his beer up to the podium with him.

Does Ricky Gervais always look like he's just cracked a joke he was warned not to tell? He appears to be snickering constantly. He made me giggle.

This year had a big difference - it RAINED! It's in Los Angeles, location of many awards shows, and I don't think I've ever seen rain.

That's nothing. This one time when I was on the red carpet -- oh wait, let's just do that one more time -- I WAS ON THE RED CARPET (I still can hardly believe that I get to say that and not as a joke) and it snowed. No really. It snowed!!!

Oh silly, that's not me in that picture. It's Julia Roberts. You can tell by the long legs. She's the only one sensible enough to wear long sleeves in the rain. If I was there, my hair would be a cloud of curls and frizz. Also I like her shoes.

Here's what Julia and I have in common: big grinny teeth. Here's where we differ: her smile is symmetrical.

So it rained in L.A. and there were umbrellas everywhere, plus huge lights to make up for a wet sky.

Like those of us at home care! We're there for the clothes! And the chance of something bizarre being said!

Me, I hope somebody will wear a really tacky gold dress so I can make a lame "golden globes! snicker snicker" joke on my blog.

Thank you, Anna Paquin.

Oh but it gets better!

You can always count on Mariah.

And Halle.

Drew Barrymore is a pure delight. I might have been the only person who dug her 60s-from-hell hairdo last year. I was all set to dig this gown until I realized there appeared to be a sparkly hedgehog on her shoulder.

Then I saw the one on her hip!

AAACKKK!

Then I realized that she is Drew and she's kind of from a different planet, so I give her a free pass. If ANYBODY can wear a dress decorated with sparkly hedgehogs, it is the one and only Drew Barrymore, she of the crooked smile and wacky acceptance speeches.

Even George Clooney thinks so.

Speaking of George Clooney!!!

Look at that beard!!! It's so silvery and foxy.

So few men can get away with this and still look good. I mean, he hasn't got little beads braided into it, like his two fellow Sexiest Man Alive Two Times guys have been known to do on occasion, but Classy George wins again.

Admit it. YOU love bearded George too. You know you do.

Sadly, some young fella has to show up with a greasy head of yuck, and this year is no exception.
I am not fully aware of what a Gossip Girl is since I have avoided both the show and the book series like a disease, but apparently he's on the show. I hope he doesn't walk around like this all the time. Only a Pattinson can get away with this, and only just. Of course if a Depp did his hair like this I'd declare it genius but I'm shallow that way.

Anyways. Back to the show. Christina showed up with CHER! Or is it the other way around? So CHER looks great, of course, and even if it takes her a few hours to become CHER she is still magnificent. She puts the work in. It's her job. Not just anybody gets to be CHER. Some pretend; only one IS.

Now don't get me wrong -- we appreciate the musical amazon that is Christina. And it's nice that she's all classin' it up here, or at least attempting it! I'm just not so sure about that dress. Jethro called it Roboboob.

And I just don't think that's good.

I don't know if this is good either, but I love it!

Maybe it's just the saucy attitude she wears it with. I don't know what Chloe Sevigny is like as an actress... I live under a rock and don't have cable TV, and my only real knowledge of her is through Go Fug Yourself, where she's kind of a goddess of good acting and bad clothes. I don't care. I love this dress. It's insane. I've never seen anything like it, probably because it's just a dumb idea. The chest ruffle thing flapped up onto her chin when she walked up to the stage to get her award. Plus everything else floated behind her. It leaves me without similes, that's how wild it is.

She picked the right hair and make up for it. Crazy dress demands not-crazy hair and face.

I'm no mathmagician but I know that much.

But I just don't know about this.

Christina Hendricks is on another show, Mad Men, which everyone says is amazingly good but that I haven't bothered to watch.

Is this dress perfect, showing off her stunning curves and lavender white skin? Or is it way too tight, barely holding in the big beasties, and so peachy that it makes her white skin look purple? Can redheads wear anything in the orange- pink-peach spectrum? Why do I still often have the urge to dye my hair red?

I seriously can't decide on this one, but she looks rather pleased with the whole thing. I guess I would too in her place.

So then Taylor Lautner showed up and Jethro groaned, "They're trotting this kid out, eh?"

And Tribble/ Annyong said, "Shhhhh. He's talking."

Cameron Diaz is always so cheerful! I like a big grin on a Famous Person. She always looks real. At the Golden Globes she looked really red. That's all I got to say about that.

Aniston. Ah. Aniston. What am I to say? Gorgeous, of course. She is just beautiful, always. Perfect hair, perfect make up, black dress. AGAIN.

After a while I don't care how beautiful she looks. Do soemthing different. And by that I don't mean off-white. Gah, why don't any of these people just listen to me??? If I had her amazing body, I would be wearing something that would visually grab people and scream, "LOOK AT MY STUNNING FIGURE!" But I don't have her physical perfection. I am crooked, which makes me think that dress might actually make me look kind of normal. Okay that does it: from now on it's one shouldered dresses for me. I'll look great on a tractor like that.

I'll give Aniston this: few women have the guts to wear a side slit like that. Those who do often shouldn't. She can!

And speaking of SHE CAN - hot damn, Kate Winslet! I wish she'd been wearing this when she won her Oscar instead of the blue dress and that awful helmet hairdo.

Meryl "T-Bone" Streep wore a very conservative black number, and looked very elegant and um, I don't know what else to say, really, except...

Can we just declare her the best EVER and get it over with? Go watch a little movie called "Silkwood" and you'll see why Meryl is the best and why CHER is one of the most underrated actors ever. I'm serious.

Hey, look, it's a pink dress being worn by the Cute Woman From Those National Treasure Movies!

As you know, I like pink, so I'm saying Diane Krueger looks good here.

Hey look! It's Tina Fey, about to blow away like a little grey dandelion seed!

I actually think this'd be really cute if it was in any other fabric. It looks like the upholstery out of a '74 Gremlin. Seriously. Imagine if this was in something lighter-weight and in a bright colour. She's so cool, and I think she works it better than anybody else could.

Although Penelope Cruz is really working that umbrella.

My only concern is that she appears to be slightly more orange than normal.

And on to other concerns... What, honestly, is going on with Kate Hudson? Who is she going out with this week, what's going on with her face, and is she still hot?

The dress is a magnificent piece of sculpture, but as a dress, it's just a big ol fail. I don't know about you but I'd be dropping half my meal into that loopy bodice. Even if I wouldn't normally drop my dinner onto myself, this arty dress would be like a food magnet. I can't even show you the whole dress. I'm just really ferhuddled by it. Let's move on.

Normally I'd be less than thrilled about Mo'nique's gold dress. I am generally suspicious of anything shiny and therefore possibly made of polyester. However. She glows all over. She just looks so pretty. The dress is flattering to her curvy body, the colour is just nicely contrasting with her skin, and she's totally won me over with her lovely attitude during this big awards race.

But sadly, statuesque beautiful Kidman looks like an anemic toothpick beside Mo'nique. Note to Nicole: seek out scrawny pale people to stand with.

Now here's a pale guy who who won an award for acting but who should get an award just for showing up! Michael C Hall is on another one of those shows I don't watch but everybody else can't stop raving about.

Dude just revealed before the show that he's been in cancer treatments. Yeesh - I have friends who've done this routine. Not easy. And each one says things like, "Well, whattaya gonna do, you just keep going." What am I gonna say to that, except, KEEP ROCKIN' THE STOCKIN' CAP MAN!

Hey, you know who keeps on rocking, who just makes me love him more all the time? RDJ!!!

Dig this guy. Just dig the elegant tux and the gorgeous grin, the cool confidence with the globe-holding. LOVE.

Jethro loves Jenna Fischer.

I do not love this dress. I love nothing about it. She's got a sweet figure and this is so unflattering plus a blah colour and an icky looking fabric. This is a bummer.

I was all ready to be cheered up by Sandra Bullock in her purple dress. I like her, because she comes off like she's totally down to earth and cool. I wanted to love this dress. Even though it looks like it's made out of the stuff people cram into the tops of gift bags, I was ready to get past that and declare this as my favourite of the evening.

But then, I saw it from a different view.

Um, it's see-through. Oh my gosh, it really IS made out of the stuff you cram into the top of gift bags! But I still say it's a gorgeous colour and I still like her.

This leaves me with the clear choice for Heidi's Favourite Dress From The 2010 Golden Globes. Good job, Zoe Saldana! I do like the colour, especially on her lovely brown skin. I like the shape of it and I love, love, love the skirt with all those crazy ruffles.

Although this is a very close runner up.

And with that, I realize that I haven't really said much of anything about the actual awards, but let's face it, we're there for the clothes. It's fun. This show is the warm up for The Big One, after all, and I fully expect you all to show up for the Oscars in March. What I mean by that is, you show up here to get the rundown, since this is much more efficient and humorous than staying up until stupid-o-clock to watch the show.

Meet me and the little Golden Man here in March! Until then, let's discuss: Hudson: hot? Sevigny: genius or clueless? Barrymore: crazy? Clooney: coolest ever? And as for those pesky awards: who's next?

Best & Worst of 2009: the Hick Chic awards!

2010-01-08T22:03:00.000-08:00

Can we just say that 2009 was The Year of Weird? Even I thought things got stoopid this year. Just ridiculous.

THE "JOHNNY DEPP MADE A MOVIE AND I DIDN'T SEE IT" AWARD

Me.

I know, you're wondering what the heck is wrong with me. I have excuses! Nobody would go with me. Jethro had to work all summer. I spent all my movie money on feeding the two teenagers. It'll take 15 minutes in a snowstorm to get to the video store. Life is hard, man. Sorry Johnny.

THE "HUMANS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO HAVE LITTERS" AWARD

Those aren't babies those are kittens. Geez. You know, where I come from it wasn't unusual to have 14 kids. It's just that they came in pairs at the most, rarely triplets, and mostly one at a time. Greedy here had to have eight at one time. Eight. I know dogs and pigs who've had eight babies at once. Oh and also, women who had 14 children didn't often have time to dye their hair black or fix their eyebrows or get their lips plumped. (Nevermind that these women wore cape dresses and coverings okay? They probably wouldn't have taken time to tart up anyways.)

THE "NO SERIOUSLY MAKE HIM STOP NOW" AWARD

Can anybody stop him? Does anybody know if he plans these acts of stupidity or if it's a publicity stunt? Can we give him a curfew or something? Detention? Grounding? Time out chair?

THE "STOP LOOKIN' SO GOOD NO PLEASE CONTINUE" AWARD

Jacob the werewolf

Dude, this is like, not right. I mean, it's really way too right, but... I mean it's just not legal. I feel so dirty. But not. My 15 year old daughter was really amused that little gasping noises kept coming out of me in the movie theatre every time the shirt came off. In my defense, I wasn't making noises intentionally, it was just the rush of air as my jaw hit my knees. I mean, this ain't right.

I feel like I should apologize to his mother for gawking at her boy like that.

I loved this scene. After a stupid stunt resulting in stupid Bella ending up in the cold ocean, our warm werewolf friend says, "It's 108 degrees over here."

I can tell you right now, Jethro may not be a werewolf but he's pretty hot. Snuggle up, girl, now while you still can. I'll vouch for a warm dude any day. Who else is going to warm your feet on a winter night? Huh? See? And make you giggle while he's at it? Not Mr Cold Controlling, am I right? These are the valuable lessons I impart to my kid when we see cheesy teen chick flicks together. It's worth it.

But I'm just saying, as much as it's nice for a mother and daughter to agree on something, he's just way too young to look that good. And on that, my daughter disagrees with me...

THE "MOVIE BETTER THAN THE BOOK" AWARD

Robert Pattinson

I wasn't a fan of Edward the Vampire when I read the books. I thought he was controlling and overprotective and blah blah blah. But I like him now...

Wacky waxy hair and all. Ooo those pretty eyes and lips, and that manly jaw. Even if he often looks like he's under the influence of something stronger than a stiff drink or a long nap. Or both.

Movie Edward kicks the backside of Book Edward because of Pattinson. Nuff said.

He's so much better looking in real life, without all the white paint on him.

Well there's really nothing like lounging in the long grass, scowling theatrically into the breeze.

This counts as a plaid coat. I do love a man in plaid.

As much as I liked this character better in movie form, I still find this guy puzzling. How can he be so good looking and yet give me such a hard time finding good pictures of him???

THE "BACK FROM THE DEAD" AWARD

Spinal Tap

They never let me down.

THE "YOU KEEP ON ROCKIN LIKE YOU DO" AWARD

Iron Maiden. They don't need to write anything new, because they still rock. Also this is the only album of theirs without a cover that scares the jeepers outta me.

THE "MANSCARA AND GUYLINER" AWARD

Adam Lambert

A gay dude with killer pipes almost wins American Idol, reinforcing my bizarre affection for glammy rock stars.

Then he did some rude things on TV which may or may not have been planned or unplanned but either way I think that'll learn 'im up real good. It's okay. If his rock star career doesn't work out he can play the front man when that novel I'm working on gets made into a movie, right? Sure.

THE PACK RAT AWARD

Nicolas Cage

So it turns out ol Nic here has some debt problems.

(Around here, you have to hold your mouth in the same way as in the above photo when you say his name. Try it. It totally sounds like him. )

To get out of debt, he might have to sell his island, or his rare venomous snake (with antidote) or his rhinestone encrusted helicopter, shrunken head collection, ice sculpture museum, and maybe even the strawberry plantation. However, he will be keeping his pterodactyl farm.

Dude I'm kidding. He doesn't have any of that stuff. I don't think. Anyways, my kids want to help him out by going to see some wack-ass movie he's in coming up, in which he gets to wear a straggly wig. Oh goody, a wig movie! They just want to make sure things are on the up so Nic can make another National Treasure. My kids need a good laugh regularly.

Speaking of which...

THE "BEST TV COMEDY, INTENTIONAL OR NOT" AWARD

CSI Miami

...thanks to the comedic genius that is Horatio Caine. (It is supposed to be funny, right?)

We've got a whole repertoire of Shade Swipes and Jacket Sweeps, not to mention Mysterious Mumblings and Pithy Puns. Oh H, you are a wellspring of imitation worthy quirkiness! And they have a lot of montages on this show. (To show it all would take too long. That's why you need a montage.)

THE "THANKFULLY MY KIDS AREN'T FANS" AWARD

the Cyrus Kid

Who approved this???? Who thought this was a good idea??? Honestly, for real? What I really love is the face on the girl to the right. Yep. I agree.

THE "PLEASE STAY REAL" AWARD

the Swift Kid

Please, don't get into drugs or develop a drinking problem or go out with anybody who used to be in Bon Jovi. Please don't strip on stage. Do not hang around with anybody whose name rhymes with Garish Stilton. Don't drive over people's feet. Don't go to fashion shows wearing nothing but a tube top and ripped pantyhose. That's about it. Thanks.

THE "KINDA JEALOUS" AWARD

the Na'vi from Avatar. They have tails. Haven't you ever wanted a tail??

Although I can't say I'd like wearing a loin cloth. Looks so cumbersome. But the feathers in the hair... I'd do that right now.

Also she has cat eyes and a cat nose and sort of cat-like ears, and I bet she will never gain weight around her belly, plus she can tell her horse-critter what to do by twisting the end of her braid around the critter's antenna or whatever it is, and man, my life would be so much easier if my hair could do that.

THE "WEIRD BEARD" AWARD

Brad Pitt

Admit it, as far as billygoat goatees go, this is magnificent. Totally skeevy, yes, but awesome at the same time. Bonus points for not using Just For Men on it.

Them beads are nice, Bad Brad. Goes with the squint. I think he's letting his inner Eastwood out. It must get tiring to be so pretty. I mean, everybody's squawking about how much the beard is hated, which is reason enough for me to say, Brad, beard it up, man. (Just make sure you scrub that varmint on your face real good.)

THE END OF A FAIRY DUST SPARKLING ERA AWARD

Paula Abdul announced that she would not be on American Idol anymore. What???? Who's gonna tell those kids that they are beautiful like all the flowers of the sky???

Ellen is funny, and I know she'll be great, but come on. Is Ellen gonna bring the unicorn dust? I don't think so. Ellen does not rule Unicornland and therefore does not have the unicorn dust. THERE WILL BE NO UNICORN DUST, PEOPLE. And that is a damn shame. It just won't be the same without Pawler.

THE "TOTAL PACKAGE OF SUPER WEIRDNESS" AWARD

I could not discuss the Year Of Weird without Lady Gaga. She was ubiquitous. And weird.

This was the least hideous picture I could find. You know what the worst part is? I kind of like her. I mean, she scares me, but she's so imaginative. Who else thought of wearing a giant frisbee made out of fake hair on her head? No you can't see a picture. I just can't bear the thought of going through pages and pages of images to find it. I am too weak. I can't go on. It would take days to discuss all the ridiculous looks this chick has worn. Also I can't find a pic of that time she wore a gyrating metal rings of Saturn type thing and I'm so frustrated I am dizzy. Sometimes when I'm forking horse manure into the wheelbarrow I can't get "Bad Romance" out of my head -- and I like it. I think it makes me fling it better. All those little horse poops just plop into place while I'm going "Ga ga oo la la, ro ma ro ma ma, ro ro ro ro mayance...." It's maddening, I tell you. I'm not proud, just honest.

THE "SAY IT ISN'T SO" AWARD

Oprah. Does this mean I've missed out on her book club?????

Darnit I was hoping all my writer friends and I could be guests on her show. I was even practicing my couch jumping technique. Gah. Is Ellen thinking of starting up a book club? Is Paula? Anybody?

THE "ENTERTAINER OF THE DECADE" AWARD

Hey, I didn't make that one up, honest.

Can I just say, I love how this guy dresses? It's a look that says, "I care, but I don't care enough to really care" and that's just so cool. It's like he's purposely screwing with the unwritten laws of formal wear. Way to go Johnny! Stick it to The Man!

Let's give him the "SCREWING THE LAWS OF FORMAL WEAR" AWARD!!

Yeahhhhh!

Well kids, I'm spent. Reliving a year in entertainment can be hard work. I gotta go lie down for a while. Feel free to discuss your picks for best and worst... and remember, we never know what 2010 will do to top 2009!

STAR TREK 2009 They still have hay in Iowa in the future!!

2009-06-25T04:23:00.001-07:00

Do you have any idea how AWESOME this movie is? I mean, it's been getting good reviews all over the place, but I have yet to read anything from the farm kid point of view. This movie has just warmed my heart and raised my pulse. Wanna know why?

Look at this- JJ Abrams has imagined a future earth with hay bales! And dirt roads! And old Corvettes!

Thank you Star Trek, I feel now like we are not doomed to a future of perpetual pavement. I can breathe again.

We went to see this on opening night. (Yeah I know, that was over a month ago. I neglect this blog terribly. Sorry.) My daughter has developed a bit of a Star Trek fascination. She's not a rabid Trekkie, but she thinks William Shatner is "the best" and has nicknamed herself Tribble.

After all the initial drama involving Romulans and explosions and Mrs. Kirk, we headed back to earth, where a young punk Kirk is taking out his step-dad's antique Corvette for a little spin. I think this kid is all of ten years old. My 12 year old son thought this was perfect. He's a firm believer that as long as you can reach all the pedals and shift at the same time, you should be allowed to drive.

Also, in the future, we still listen to the Beastie Boys! See, don't you feel better about the world now?

But let's not discuss what happens to the Corvette, okay? Thanks.

Apparently we won't need to wear helmets in the future. Oh what a relief! Whatever invisible technology gets invented to protect our skulls... can we have that now?

Here's our first glimpse of the Enterprise. Magnificent. Honestly, the visuals in this movie are quite beautiful.
I won't be getting into plot analysis here; other blogs do that better than I care to. I'm really just all about the experience. And the scenery. And the handsome.

I will make note of the excellent casting. Each of the actors was believable as their character. This could have been disastrous, since Star Trek is so familiar. I'm in a generation that never knew life without Star Trek. Even my Mennonite Grandpa used to watch it now and then (although he was more into Batman, and Wonder Woman!)

The actors weren't just copying a well known performance though-- they were inventing the person who would become that iconic character.

Watching this movie with my kids gave me a good opportunity to explain to them what a revolutionary show this had been in the 60s. The original Enterprise was crewed by a multicultural group of men and women - not just a bunch of white dudes. There was even -gasp- a Russian on board, at a time when Russia was considered "the enemy." And then there was Uhuru- a black woman who was beautiful, wore a miniskirt (hey, it was the 60s) but totally held her own on the bridge of the ship.

And then there's this guy...

Tribble fell in love. So did all her friends. I didn't know if anybody other than Nimoy could do this role. Impressive. By the way, Tribble thinks Nimoy is also "the best." She's very equal opportunity when it comes to the Spock/Kirk thing.

And this guy! Where'd he come from?? I thought this was an excellent suggestion as to how Captain Kirk started out. He gets beat up by darn near everybody but he's still cocky and mouthy, and nothing stops him from flirting with the girls! I mean, you can see it, right?

Tribble's in love with him too, now. Jethro thought it was hilarious that in every shot of Kirk, he's got a scrape or a bruise or a cut on his face. Scrapper!

Jethro loved the way the movie lovingly references the original series, but never once lets it get as far as parody. That must be an incredibly fine line to walk. Never once did we hear "She's breakin' up captain!" or "Beam me up, Scotty." Close, but not quite. If those lines had been there, it would wreck it. It would have gone too far. Instead it was handled perfectly.

Of course there's a little time-twisting stuff to keep your brain busy. It's a prequel, but it also goes way back, to young James Tiberius, and cute little Spock. Awww! So cute!

Oh but wait- we also get some future Spock! I don't remember how they explained this. I didn't care; it was just cool to see NIMOY!

See what I mean about the excellent casting?!?

So the Iowa farm boy scuffles and postures his way to the Captain's chair, all cocky smirk and flirtatious bluffing... and bloodied...

And the rest is history... or yet to be imagined...

X MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE Heck this ain't a movie review. It's just a bunch o' pictures...

2009-05-04T05:47:00.000-07:00

I took my 12 year old son to see this movie because he is a budding adrenaline junkie and loves explosions and things blowing up and mushroom clouds and chase scenes and sparks and explosions. He reeeeally wanted to see this one.

I do not enjoy watching violence. I get a little sick to my stomach from all the bloodless mass killing. Bloody killing is worse. We have all the pacifistic discussions afterwards, about the consequences of violence and the choices the characters made. But there's no getting around it: the boy likes action.

Me? I like handsome men.

I actually do think it's a pretty good movie; it's great looking, has a plot, and even throws in a few moments of comic relief in there to balance out all that rage! and revenge!

Oh- and did you know that the Wolverine is Canadian??? That he's from way up north? And that... he's a LUMBERJACK?!? What? Yeah-huh!

No way! WAY!

This movie contains A WHOLE LOTTA HANDSOME.

Ryan Reynolds! Such a nice Canadian boy.

Liev Schrieber, all bulked up and eeevil, with catlike agility!

Taylor Kitsch... where've you been all m'life? (Um... in CANADA?)

will.i.am (yep that's how he spells it) got to wear the BEST crazy cowboy hats and belt buckles, and pulled it off with cool swagger. Also he has lovely eyes.

See, I'm equal opportunity with the good-lookin, so I can confess that I was quite taken with Lynn Collins, who melts brains with her blue eyed stare. (It's not as unpleasant as it sounds.)

Daniel Henney as Agent Zero. Huh? Really? Zero? Hardly!

Yep, if you can get past the violence - it is a comic book universe story, after all - there's lots to look at. I'm just sayin'.

Doesn't he look awesome in that ripped up white Hick Hugger?

Ah yes, current Sexiest Man Alive (although I still have my preferences on that...) as well as Oscar host, Broadway star, Van Helsing (silly movie but he looked great) and family man.

Finally, I want you to know that I love EVERYTHING about this. Love the denim jacket with the fuzzy collar. Love the belt buckle! Totally love the beat up El Camino. Love the workboots. Love the general lumberjack vibe. Even diggin' the feathery 70's Camaro chick hair.

I just love a nice manly outdoorsy Canadian guy, don't you?

(Yeah I know Jackman's not Canadian, he's Australian; everybody knows that, right? But this was actually filmed partly in New Zealand. I think New Zealand is another of my favourite actors. It's played Japan, Canada, and Middle Earth. Hugh, you look really good as Wolverine, and New Zealand, you look really good as Canada!)

MONSTERS VS ALIENS

2009-04-07T05:49:00.000-07:00

It's a real nod to the 50s monster movie flick, but all slicked up and polished for the new century. Have a seat and forget about all the modern threats of disaster. Monsters! Aliens! In the same flick!

The main reason we went to the theatre to see this movie is THE CAST. Some of our favourites provide voices, and I'm sure, mannerisms to these characters. Plus it's something we can all enjoy; with our kids outgrowing most of the G rated flicks, but me being quite squeamish about scary/ violent/ way too grownup movies, we're all happy with the PG rated comedies.

This sucker is pretty darn funny.

It has the required action-chase stuff that kind of zones me out every time. I tire easily of seeing buildings get destroyed and shoot-outs and crap. However, there are some laugh out loud moments here to make it all worth it.

You don't need to know much going in. The basic plot starter is a young woman's journey from agreeable bride to empowered woman. Yup, that's what it is. Kid you not. Call it what you want, that's the core of it. Mind you, being a woman of rather small stature, I couldn't help but chafe that in order to gain her power she's gotta be like, 40 feet tall and super strong. Yeah yeah, symbolism, whatevs. Seriously. It's still all about physical strength. Blah.

Also, why in 2009 do we still have to be going on about how a girl doesn't have to marry a doofus and do whatever he wants to do? Duh. Okay I'm over it now.

On with the FUNNY!

It's no secret that I adore Rainn Wilson. We all do. He's SO good in this character that I forgot it was him. As the evil alien overlord GALLAXHAR, there is no trace of his dorky Dwight Schrute. Just pure self centred, power hungry would-be dictator of the universe!

This guy has one of the best voices in the biz these days. Love his voice. Watch for the part where GALLAXHAR tells his life story while taking a turn in the cloning machine. That was awesome, I mean it, I'd watch that ten times in a row if I could.

Ask anybody who sees it who their favourite character is and I bet they'd say B.O.B.

Seth Rogen amps up the adorable for this one. And, his timing is perfect.

Reese Witherspoon is tiny and blonde. Ginormica is giant and shaped like a Barbie doll. Oddly enough it works.

Hugh Laurie as Dr Cockroach, PhD. I really am not familiar with this guy because I've never watched his big TV show, but you know what?
This is the first Cockroach, EVER, who has not sent me into fits of shivering disgust. I actually quite liked him!

Ah... Will Arnett. I love that guy. Who better than to play the Missing Link, that slimy arrogant creature?
On top of that, Stephen Colbert as the clueless, Reagan-haired, finger-cannon-throwing President, and Kiefer Sutherland as General W.R. Monger (geddit???). Watch the credits at the end, because there are more. Hint: keep your eye on "Katie and Cuthbert" on their date.

One of the big deals about this movie is that supposedly you can see it in 3-D. I can't figure out why you'd bother. We saw it without the hassle of the funny glasses, and I thought it was 3-D enough. Maybe I'm wrong and the technology has improved even in the last couple of years, but in general I find that it makes my eyes go squirrelly and I can't keep watching. As it is, the movie looks very layered. In fact, for the first five minutes I kept thinking, "Oh, where the guy points at something... that'd be where it jumps out at us. Got it. Next."

Often I was amazed at the visuals. The detail is incredible. I mean, LOOK at this.

Every cloud, every leaf, every blade of grass. It's hyper-real. Except for Ginormica's waist... I think they could have made that a little more real. Just sayin.