Photos from: Celebuzz, Go Fug Yourself, and People
Yeah I know, the Academy Awards happened like, oh, a week or four months ago, but between sketchy rural internet problems, kids, horse manure and income tax season, it's taken me a long time to get it together. But you don't read these for punctuality, right? You're here for the clothes!
So the Experts all say this was the WORST Oscars ever. Blah blah blah. It clocked in under three hours, had a few awkward moments, and was just bad enough to be interesting. It was no Snow-White-Rob-Lowe disaster, you know what I mean?
Besides, Anne Hathaway is so charming.
And her co-host, James Franco, is so weird! Of course in my world weird is good. It just might not go over so well on television.
Okay it wasn't the BEST EVER. But damn, Anne tried her best to hold things up.
James... well he looked to me like he'd maybe taken a large amount of herbal anti-anxiety remedy. Ha ha. If you know what I mean. He pretty much did the entire show in that exact position.
Easy boy... Don't move too fast there buddy! Just...take it...sloooooooow.
I'm willing to cut them some slack because they are movie actors, not comedians, not live theatre performers.
Anyways, the opening montage was funny. But I always think it's funny.
Hey hey hey with the finger cannons! I do think he's cute. With the crooked smile and those little crows-feet and all. Weird AND cute. Hmmm.
(I'd rather forget that the gender-bending song and dance number happened. Thanks.)
Helena Bonham Carter didn't win an award for Best Actress so I'm giving her the Hick Chic Award For Most Consistently Awesome Favourite British Actress. I adore her.
She inspires me. I totally wore my hair like that to the Junos a couple years ago. Maybe not exactly like that. Close. I love it that she's carrying a fan and sunglasses.
And I love her husband too!
Melissa Leo will now forever be known as the Oscar Winner Who Dropped The F Bomb. I bet she's a fun chick to hang around with. You'd never know what would happen next. We could spend hours laughing, and debating what the heck this dress is made of. Is it lace or is it that paper doily kind of stuff some people's Grandmas put under the cake plate? Do I like this dress or not?? It's flattering on her? It looks itchy? Do you like it??? Her hair and make up are really natural looking and she has a pretty smile.
Kirk Douglas, all 94 years of him, presented her with the award. "You look much prettier than you did in the movie," he told her.
The Experts figure he was full-on senile rather than makin' a funny. I think he knew quite well what he was doing- flirting with the redhead!
Speaking of redhead:
Amy Adams looked so elegant and pretty! That colour with her hair and skin! The unexpected emerald jewellery! And the dress fits!!!
But here's the thing: is it itchy?????
Because I think it looks itchy. Like, when she puts her arms at her sides, do the sequins scratch? I think of these things. You know, while I am wearing overalls and swinging a muck fork.
Halle Berry was Halle Berry.
Does she even try?? She always, always looks gorgeous. She makes it look "so f***in' easy" if we are to use the most repeated phrase of the evening.
There's her bum.
I still haven't seen True Grit. What the heck, eh? It's got horses in it. It's got villains and hats and swagger. It's got a strong and determined young lady character. It's got Jeff Bridges!
I hope we see more of young Hailee Steinfeld. She's kind of stolen my heart. I love it that she showed up for the Oscars looking perfectly fourteen, rather than trying to look a decade or two older. Man I hope she doesn't end up going all Britney Lindsey Spears Lohan Sheen.
She seems like a cool kid. See? She gets to hang with THE DUDE.
You know what other movie I still haven't seen? Inception. Oh wait - I dreamed it. Never mind.
Anne changed into a fairytale goth princess gown. With the hair to match. Wasn't she cute in The Princess Diaries? I keep forgetting she's a grown up now.
Cate Blanchett presented the award for best make up. Here's what she said after the clip for The Wolfman: "Gross." Then it won. That was great.
Her dress confuses me. I don't get it. The Experts rated it number one in both the Best Dressed and Worst Dressed categories, so at least I'm not the only confused onlooker. I think she is the only person in the world who could wear that and not look ridiculous.
Russell Brand brought his Mum to the red carpet. This picture is so cute...It looks like he's saying "This is m' Mum, the woman what birthed me." And she's saying, "Bloody 'ell I'm just glad this one stayed alive, I am!"
Russell presented an award with his costar from The Tempest, Helen Mirren.
Man, I seriously can't believe I still haven't seen The Tempest.
This man is insane in the most highly functioning, adorable and eccentric English kind of way. Plus he's a snappy dresser. This is a great suit, and I don't even like navy blue. He's always fun to look at.
Helen Mirren: classy perfect, Queen of the red carpet. (see what I did there? Geddit? the Queen?)
I love RDJ.
That is all I have to say about that.
Oh - James woke up! He leaned over!
False alarm. He's back in position. Everybody relax.
He's relaxed, that's for sure!
Well, Gwyneth Paltrow sang for us.
Now, The Experts say she was terrible. Okay, she wasn't spectacular, that is for sure, and came nowhere near her Grammy duet with Cee Lo. But she sang live. On a stage in front of about a zillion people watching the Oscars. And the fact that she was imperfect means that she was singing live for real. So good job, Gwynnie!!!
Also she's likely the only one who could wear that silver dress.
Except for Celine, who sang during the Memorial tribute.
You know, I think having twins was good for her! I'm so glad she's not all bony like she was a few years ago. And yes, she sang live. Because she CAN.
Another lady who recently became a mother: Penelope Cruz, with her big hunk Javier.
You know, the Experts were all, "Wow, she had a baby, like, yesterday, and look how great she looks!" Heck with that. I'm saying, she had a baby, like, yesterday, and she's AWAKE AND DRESSED AND OUT OF THE HOUSE.
When I first saw Jennifer Hudson on the red carpet, I said, out loud, "YEEEOW! Jennifah!" I think she's a pretty woman, but hot damn she looks magnificent! What a gorgeous dress. The fit is flattering and the colour is perfect with her skin.
Of course, there was much whining about the boobage.
What's the problem here? She's got 'em under control. They're all wrangled in there real good, they're not going anywhere. She's got a grip on the situation.
The Experts hated on Jennifer Lawrence and her red dress. The two top comparisons were Baywatch and the Farrah Fawcett poster.
Well, okay. I can see it. It's not fancy, she has her hair down, etc. But I'm cutting her some slack because A she is young and B she looks good in this and so C I think she was right to wear this now while she still can because D gravity gets us all some day!!!
On the other end of the spectrum, Experts generally liked Mila Kunis.
How could the Experts disagree on such a beautiful look?
Apparently Justin Timberlake is also an Expert.
Alright, GIRL CRUSH. Scarlett Johansen.
Unfair? Man, she's got it going on. I loooove this dress! It's purple! And another purple! And lace! And another lace!
Oh I do love Scarlett, if for no other reason than she is representing the booty.
Hey- time for another outfit change!
Sandra Bullock, classy, gorgeous and 100% Dirtbag-free...
...presented the Best Actor award to Colin Firth. He is lovely isn't he? So likeable.
I seriously can't believe I still haven't seen The King's Speech!
Natalie Portman had an awesome evening. Best Actress plus walking around while six months pregnant, wearing a beautiful dress and high heels! I'm impressed. When I was at that point I was lucky if I even got vertical.
Oh my gosh - she really is glowing!
This is one of my favourite dresses of the evening.
Wait, wait, there's more! Don't go yet! Anne's got a new dress on and James... James? Hey Franco, put down your *&%# gadget!
Quit gadgetting and just stand there looking cute and slightly baked.
Not sure why Liv Tyler and her dad were there, other than her part in a hugely successful trilogy, and him being STEVEN TYLER.
He's so great on The Steven Tyler Show.
Well, Anne got into a really cool dress with metallic fringes, which made me squeal in delighted envy. She gave it a good shake. I thought that was fun. Maybe the Experts would have liked the whle show better if she'd done more metallic-fringy-dress shakes.
James firmly planted his feet on the stage, clasped his hands and smirked sideways.
No shock, The King's Speech won Best Picture.
That would be the Movie I Haven't See Yet Darnit.
So yep, that's it that's all. We're done.
The Famous go out partying... and we go hit the sack.