Wednesday, February 17, 2010

2010 Golden Globes! (it's ok if you don't get it. I'll get it for ya.)

I admit, I still don't get the Golden Globe awards.  I like it though.  Movie and TV people all sit in the same room, at round tables, and have to zig zag their way to the stage when their names are called.  

I'm pretty sure there are drinkies at those tables, because sometimes the acceptance speeches get a little bit exuberant.  

You gotta love a televised awards presentashe in which the host brings his beer up to the podium with him.  

Does Ricky Gervais always look like he's just cracked a joke he was warned not to tell?  He appears to be snickering constantly.  He made me giggle.

This year had a big difference - it RAINED!  It's in Los Angeles, location of many awards shows, and I don't think I've ever seen rain.  

That's nothing.  This one time when I was on the red carpet -- oh wait, let's just do that one more time -- I WAS ON THE RED CARPET (I still can hardly believe that I get to say that and not as a joke) and it snowed.  No really.  It snowed!!!

Oh silly, that's not me in that picture.  It's Julia Roberts.  You can tell by the long legs.  She's the only one sensible enough to wear long sleeves in the rain.  If I was there, my hair would be a cloud of curls and frizz.  Also I like her shoes.

Here's what Julia and I have in common: big grinny teeth.  Here's where we differ: her smile is symmetrical.  
So it rained in L.A. and there were umbrellas everywhere, plus huge lights to make up for a wet sky.  

Like those of us at home care!  We're there for the clothes!  And the chance of something bizarre being said!

Me, I hope somebody will wear a really tacky gold dress so I can make a lame "golden globes!  snicker snicker" joke on my blog.  

 Thank you, Anna Paquin.

Oh but it gets better!

You can always count on Mariah.


And Halle.  

Drew Barrymore is a pure delight.  I might have been the only person who dug her 60s-from-hell hairdo last year.  I was all set to dig this gown until I realized there appeared to be a sparkly hedgehog on her shoulder.
Then I saw the one on her hip!  

Then I realized that she is Drew and she's kind of from a different planet, so I give her a free pass.  If ANYBODY can wear a dress decorated with sparkly hedgehogs, it is the one and only Drew Barrymore, she of the crooked smile and wacky acceptance speeches.  

Even George Clooney thinks so.  

Speaking of George Clooney!!!

Look at that beard!!!  It's so silvery and foxy.

So few men can get away with this and still look good.  I mean, he hasn't got little beads braided into it, like his two fellow Sexiest Man Alive Two Times guys have been known to do on occasion, but Classy George wins again.  

Admit it.  YOU love bearded George too.  You know you do.

Sadly, some young fella has to show up with a greasy head of yuck, and this year is no exception.
I am not fully aware of what a Gossip Girl is since I have avoided both the show and the book series like a disease, but apparently he's on the show.  I hope he doesn't walk around like this all the time.  Only a Pattinson can get away with this, and only just.  Of course if a Depp did his hair like this I'd declare it genius but I'm shallow that way.  

Anyways.  Back to the show.  Christina showed up with CHER!  Or is it the other way around?  So CHER looks great, of course, and even if it takes her a few hours to become CHER she is still magnificent.  She puts the work in.  It's her job.  Not just anybody gets to be CHER.  Some pretend; only one IS.
Now don't get me wrong -- we appreciate the musical amazon that is Christina.  And it's nice that she's all classin' it up here, or at least attempting it!  I'm just not so sure about that dress.  Jethro called it Roboboob.

And I just don't think that's good.

I don't know if this is good either, but I love it!

Maybe it's just the saucy attitude she wears it with.  I don't know what Chloe Sevigny is like as an actress... I live under a rock and don't have cable TV, and my only real knowledge of her is through Go Fug Yourself, where she's kind of a goddess of good acting and bad clothes.  I don't care.  I love this dress.  It's insane.  I've never seen anything like it, probably because it's just a dumb idea.  The chest ruffle thing flapped up onto her chin when she walked up to the stage to get her award.  Plus everything else floated behind her.  It leaves me without similes, that's how wild it is.

She picked the right hair and make up for it.  Crazy dress demands not-crazy hair and face.  

I'm no mathmagician but I know that much.

But I just don't know about this.

Christina Hendricks is on another show, Mad Men, which everyone says is amazingly good but that I haven't bothered to watch.
Is this dress perfect, showing off her stunning curves and lavender white skin?  Or is it way too tight, barely holding in the big beasties, and so peachy that it makes her white skin look purple?  Can redheads wear anything in the orange- pink-peach spectrum?  Why do I still often have the urge to dye my hair red?  
I seriously can't decide on this one, but she looks rather pleased with the whole thing.  I guess I would too in her place.

So then Taylor Lautner showed up and Jethro groaned, "They're trotting this kid out, eh?"
And Tribble/ Annyong said, "Shhhhh.  He's talking."

Cameron Diaz is always so cheerful!  I like a big grin on a Famous Person.  She always looks real.  At the Golden Globes she looked really red.  That's all I got to say about that.
Aniston.  Ah.  Aniston.  What am I to say?  Gorgeous, of course.  She is just beautiful, always.  Perfect hair, perfect make up, black dress.  AGAIN. 

After a while I don't care how beautiful she looks.  Do soemthing different.  And by that I don't mean off-white.  Gah, why don't any of these people just listen to me???  If I had her amazing body, I would be wearing something that would visually grab people and scream, "LOOK AT MY STUNNING FIGURE!"  But I don't have her physical perfection.  I am crooked, which makes me think that dress might actually make me look kind of normal.  Okay that does it: from now on it's one shouldered dresses for me.  I'll look great on a tractor like that.  

I'll give Aniston this: few women have the guts to wear a side slit like that.  Those who do often shouldn't.  She can!

And speaking of SHE CAN - hot damn, Kate Winslet!  I wish she'd been wearing this when she won her Oscar instead of the blue dress and that awful helmet hairdo. 

Meryl "T-Bone" Streep wore a very conservative black number, and looked very elegant and um, I don't know what else to say, really, except...

Can we just declare her the best EVER and get it over with?  Go watch a little movie called "Silkwood" and you'll see why Meryl is the best and why CHER is one of the most underrated actors ever.  I'm serious.

Hey, look, it's a pink dress being worn by the Cute Woman From Those National Treasure Movies!
As you know, I like pink, so I'm saying Diane Krueger looks good here.  

Hey look!  It's Tina Fey, about to blow away like a little grey dandelion seed!

I actually think this'd be really cute if it was in any other fabric.  It looks like the upholstery out of a '74 Gremlin.  Seriously.  Imagine if this was in something lighter-weight and in a bright colour.  She's so cool, and I think she works it better than anybody else could.  

Although Penelope Cruz is really working that umbrella.  

My only concern is that she appears to be slightly more orange than normal.  

And on to other concerns... What, honestly, is going on with Kate Hudson?  Who is she going out with this week, what's going on with her face, and is she still hot?

The dress is a magnificent piece of sculpture, but as a dress, it's just a big ol fail.  I don't know about you but I'd be dropping half my meal into that loopy bodice. Even if I wouldn't normally drop my dinner onto myself, this arty dress would be like a food magnet.  I can't even show you the whole dress. I'm just really ferhuddled by it.  Let's move on.  

Normally I'd be less than thrilled about Mo'nique's gold dress.  I am generally suspicious of anything shiny and therefore possibly made of polyester.  However.  She glows all over.  She just looks so pretty. The dress is flattering to her curvy body, the colour is just nicely contrasting with her skin, and she's totally won me over with her lovely attitude during this big awards race.
But sadly, statuesque beautiful Kidman looks like an anemic toothpick beside Mo'nique.  Note to Nicole: seek out scrawny pale people to stand with.  

Now here's a pale guy who who won an award for acting but who should get an award just for showing up!  Michael C Hall is on another one of those shows I don't watch but everybody else can't stop raving about.
Dude just revealed before the show that he's been in cancer treatments.  Yeesh - I have friends who've done this routine.  Not easy.  And each one says things like, "Well, whattaya gonna do, you just keep going."  What am I gonna say to that, except, KEEP ROCKIN' THE STOCKIN' CAP MAN!  

Hey, you know who keeps on rocking, who just makes me love him more all the time?  RDJ!!!

Dig this guy.  Just dig the elegant tux and the gorgeous grin, the cool confidence with the globe-holding.  LOVE.  

Jethro loves Jenna Fischer.  

I do not love this dress.  I love nothing about it.  She's got a sweet figure and this is so unflattering plus a blah colour and an icky looking fabric.  This is a bummer.  

I was all ready to be cheered up by Sandra Bullock in her purple dress.  I like her, because she comes off like she's totally down to earth and cool.  I wanted to love this dress. Even though it looks like it's made out of the stuff people cram into the tops of gift bags, I was ready to get past that and declare this as my favourite of the evening.  
But then, I saw it from a different view.

Um, it's see-through.  Oh my gosh, it really IS made out of the stuff you cram into the top of gift bags!  But I still say it's a gorgeous colour and I still like her.  

This leaves me with the clear choice for Heidi's Favourite Dress From The 2010 Golden Globes.  Good job, Zoe Saldana!  I do like the colour, especially on her lovely brown skin.  I like the shape of it and I love, love, love the skirt with all those crazy ruffles.  

Although this is a very close runner up.

And with that, I realize that I haven't really said much of anything about the actual awards, but let's face it, we're there for the clothes.  It's fun.  This show is the warm up for The Big One, after all, and I fully expect you all to show up for the Oscars in March.  What I mean by that is, you show up here to get the rundown, since this is much more efficient and humorous than staying up until stupid-o-clock to watch the show.

Meet me and the little Golden Man here in March!  Until then, let's discuss: Hudson: hot?  Sevigny: genius or clueless?  Barrymore: crazy?  Clooney: coolest ever?  And as for those pesky awards: who's next?