Wednesday, December 15, 2010

How to attend an Ozzy Osbourne concert (November 27 2010, Air Canada Centre, Toronto)

This was my second Ozzy show, so I knew what to expect.  Basically, I expected AWESOME and that is exactly what Ozzy delivered!  It was pretty much the same show as the one in Hamilton a few years before which I am perfectly okay with, because this act never gets old for me.  If you ever get a chance to see him live, GO.  It's worth it!

First thing I can tell you about going to see Ozzy is that the arena will be half empty for the opening act.  Hate to say it but it's true.  Sorry, Rob Halford.  You were amazing in Judas Priest, and you are as haavy as ever, but Ozzy's fans are rabidly loyal.  

Ozzy knows it and gives it all back to the audience.

You'll know it's almost time when the lights dim and the giant screens light up.  He always starts the show with a screamingly funny video montage with Ozzy ripping on all the big pop culture events.  This time around, Avatar, Jersey Shore, Lady GaGa and Beyonce (Ozzy rarely turns down an opportunity to make an ass of himself in drag!) The Hangover, and to top it all off... Twilight.  Ozzy in a puffy Edward wig and huge magazine worthy eyebrows... when she says it out loud...VAMPIRE... Ozzy replies, "Vampiah?  Vampiahs ah PUSSIES!  I'm the Prinzafucchhhhingdahkness!!!"

Never let anybody tell you that this man does not have a sense of humour.

Finally the man himself is on stage, grinning, clapping, and demanding that we join him.  And I do mean, DEMANDING.  


And he probably truly can't hear us, but it doesn't matter, because we will yell louder than we did before,  just to make sure Ozzy can focchhing hear us!

When he yells, "LEMME SEE YA HANDS!"  well heck if I had six hands I'd throw 'em all up in the air.

Understand what an accomplishment this is, because I am not a clap-along kind of person.  I get really uncomfortable when we're supposed to clap along in church, I'm not kidding.  And yet here's the most demented insane cheerleader on earth clapping his hands above his head and I'm right there.

He tells us he loves us and we believe him.  He might not know what city he's in but I have no doubt he loves us!  In Toronto he confided that he's still insane and it's f***ing good to be crazy.

Darn right, man.  Couldn't agree more.  Shout it loud.

He then announced that he's been doing THIS for FORTY-TWO YEARS.  This is important to understand, because people have been saying great things about his last couple albums, things like, "Ozzy's still got it" and "Ozzy knows how to do his thing yet stay current."  This is all true.  But the thing is...

Ozzy invented this stuff.  

And he's not kidding about being crazy, either.  I saw the roadies bring out the friggin fire hose during between acts and I was glad I wasn't in the floor seats.  Let me tell you, if you're in the first few rows at an Ozzy concert, you are going to get soaked.  

It wasn't even a fire hose this time; it was like a soap cannon or something.  Ozzy likes to stick his head in a pail of water every now and then throughout the show.  Then he comes up to the mic looking all deranged and gruesome, clapping water drops and grinning.  Being a generous guy he shares with the audience.  He douses himself with the foam hose, which makes him grin maniacally and totally looks like the Joker.  I mean, the Ledger version of the Joker.  Demented!

Then a roadie dressed in black scurries out to wipe the foam off the monitors and refill the water buckets.

What impresses me the most is the man's voice.  He sounds great - pitch perfect, confident of every note, and just as clear as thirty years earlier.  He hasn't lost that distinctive sound that only he has.  He may move with the jerky clumsiness of an old man, and sometimes look like he's hanging on to that mic stand for dear life, but his voice is as solid as ever.  It's like no time has passed.  It's pretty amazing considering the abuse he put himself through.  

Ozzy has an excellent band backing him up.  I really think this is one of his keys to success: always having the best musicians around him.  It's been working for four decades... why mess with a good thing?  

He introduced his band, starting with bass player, Blasko.

That's Mr Blasko to you.

At our gig he wore a T shirt depicting Ozzy with a Canadian flag.  Nice!

On keyboards and guitar, Adam Wakeman, whom I could not see from where I was sitting... when I first saw him come out to play guitar for a Black Sabbath song, I thought he was the mystery guest.  

Good thing he was there, too.  "Mr Crowley" wouldn't have been the same without him!

Ozzy described drummer Tommy Clufetos (had to look up the name; unintelligible) as really skinny but he plays like a Muthahf*********ah.  

No kidding.  This guy is intense.  And, he's got the coolest drum riser... it lifts up above the stage and shoots smoke out of pipes like exhaust pipes and it's the kind of gimmick that makes all of us adrenaline-fuelled headbangers lose our minds.  Plus he's a hell of a drummer!

Before introducing his guitar player, Ozzy reminded us that he has played with some of the best guitarists on the planet.  Tony Iommi.  Randy Rhoads. Jake E Lee.  Zakk Wylde.  And now...


Now I didn't know much about this guy going in, other than his mind blowing work on the new album.  I'd seen a pic in a magazine and thought, "He looks like a KID!"  And also, "Hmmm.  Gus.  Long thick curly hair.  Sideburns.  Betcha he's Greek!"  Aren't all Greek guys called Gus or Stavros?  I'm thinking about the last guy who cut my hair, an incredibly hetero dude with those dark brown bedroom eyes, who couldn't stop complimenting me on my long thick curly hair.  He thought I should have been Greek too.  

Well I don't know what they're drinking over there in Greece, but young Gus G here has been a rock music phenomenon in Europe for years, proving once again that we in North America are always behind with this stuff.  

The four of us were debating how old he is.  The guys figured less than 25 but I suspected he's older than that but baby faced.  I was right.  He's thirty.  Regardless, he's never lived in a world without Ozzy Osbourne.  And now he's up there on the stage at the guy's left hand, a position formerly occupied by a string of guitar heroes.  Wow!

And see what I mean about baby faced??? I mean, he slings a mean axe, but how cute is he?

And I do mean cute in a wicked, haavy, frightening, METAL kind of way, of course.  

In searching up pictures, I found the most epic one of Gus.  (Good timing, photographer!)

This makes me want to have every picture of me from now on be taken like this.  

If you love a good rock show and you get a chance to see Ozzy live, GO.  DO IT.  You will not regret it.

They play songs spanning the entire career, from the monstrous Black Sabbath to the huge hits from his early solo career, and new songs.  

Wear good shoes, because you will be on your feet for two hours.  Be prepared to clap so much you start worrying that the big scar on the inside of your knuckle could bust open and spew blood everywhere (although Ozzy would probably think that was funny.)  Understand that you will not have much of a voice the next day from all the yelling and screaming and hooting and hollering.  If you make a living with your ears, I'm not kidding, you better wear ear plugs. It's ok, it really only takes the top end off. Believe me, ear plugs cannot silence this audio avalanche!

You'll walk out of that concert feeling... cleansed!  Happy!  And loved!  Because this really is a giant heavy metal love fest.  Ozzy loves us, we love him.  At the end of the night, he very clearly says, "God bless you all!"  

Awwww.  Ozzy you're so sweet.  And yet so delightfully frightening.  

I've heard people accusing him of becoming just an irrelevant joke, but I so strongly disagree.  He simply refuses to take himself seriously.  Nobody has more fun on stage, rocking out, than Ozzy Osbourne.  He fully intends to do this forever and croak right there on the stage.  

I just hope he keeps this up for a few more years, because I'd love to get to Ozzy concert #3.  

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Soundgarden: a brief history of the band according to Heidi

In the late 1980s when I was pigging out on Led Zeppelin and Guns N Roses, something really cool was happening in Seattle, and I knew nothing about it.

Soundgarden was getting started.  There were a few line-up changes around this time, but Kim Thayil (with his long black hair and bushy beard) was the man with the guitar, and Chris Cornell (that gorgeous bare chested creature in the above photo), was playing guitar while trying out his incredible voice.  Drummer Matt Cameron joined around this time... and apparently hasn't aged since. Around 1990 Ben Shepherd joined up on bass and the permanent Soundgarden line up was solidified.  

They built up a following on the west coast, far away from a goofy teenager's awareness here in Ontario.   

Eventually I started to read about this band in the occasional music mag I'd pick up at the grocery store.  The name was catchy.  I heard cool words like ULTRAMEGA OK and BADMOTORFINGER.  You know I love words, so I took a bit of notice.  It took until 1991 for their music to reach me.  This was pre-internet, you know, the dark ages.  That summer I got married and moved to a place close to the big bad city.  I was listening to the Big Bad City radio station.  Ah, finally I got to hear some of these bands I'd only read about!  

Then I started college.  This was the month that Metallica unleashed their Black Album, and Nirvana gave us Nevermind and changed everything.  Also there were video screens in the Student Pub.  I looked up one day when I heard "Jesus Christ Pose" and kind of lost my ability to speak for a minute or three. 

This was a result of two things.  One, I am very easily distracted by good looking men.  Give them musical instruments and I'm finished.  And two, apparently this band was impoverished in those early days and could not afford to buy Chris any shirts.  Please refer back to point # 1.  

On top of that, the whole video was all flashing strobes of fast edits and over exposed colours.  Kinda blew my mind.

I got to see what the guys looked like. Ben Shepherd has one of the best chin-dimples in music.  That is more than a dimple; that's like, a valley.  He's nicely craggy.  Matt Cameron is boyishly cute - and remains that way twenty years later.  Kim Thayil is the coolest, haaviest vibing dude since Tony Iommi.  They both play Gibsons and appear to not ever break a sweat.  Now that's cool.  

I put Chris Cornell on my list of rock star crushes and have kept him there ever since.  He's not only gorgeous, he's got great singing technique and range and man he can write a song.  His lyrics knock me out.  

And yes, if you have been reading here for any length of time, I do have a type.   I married a dude with long dark hair and incredibly pretty eyes, and he played guitar. 

Anyways, BADMOTORFINGER gave the world three singles that were all heavy and huge, with lots of yowling vocals and mysterious lyrics, and some messed up time signatures.  I got a listen to the album at the occasional college house party.  

I was impoverished back in them days- not so much that I had to go shirtless, thankfully, but just enough that buying stacks of CDs was out of reach.  As a result, I was familiar with the songs on this album but only knew the titles of three of them.

 If I was lucky I'd catch "Rusty Cage" on the radio, turn up the crappy stereo in our Mercury Capri  and just rock the heck out while it was on.  

I love the following photo.  It goes like this: Cute, Mysterious, Allthatandyou'rewearingflanneltoo*swoon*  and Too Cool For Leather.

Well, eventually my beloved and I (my real, true life beloved) were the co-producers on this epic project called Our First Baby.  It was 1994, and SUPERUNKNOWN became the album that would be a huge hit for them.    The cover freaked me out.  I bought it anyways.

Seriously, wha??? Giant screaming elf ravages forest reflection?  

Chris had cut his hair short by this time.  He kept his Nefarious Frenchman facial hair so I was okay with that.  Matt continued to not age.

The first single, "Spoonman," jumped out of the speakers and grabbed me.  It had a similar effect on my unborn child, who - I am not kidding - danced in utero every time that song was on.  Every time.  I remember the two of us driving up the highway, in the dark, in the ol' Capri, and the baby was just thrashing away under my giant dress.  We called the baby our little Spoon Man.  

I know, isn't that funny?  We sure thought it was cute.  Turns out, it was really our Spoon Chickie and a year later, she was hanging onto the edge of her play pen and grinning while bouncing in time.  She was a little too young yet to learn how to throw the horns but she had the idea down.  

Soon we released out own follow-up, Baby the Second, and our small apartment was filled with the happy/ frightening sounds of a young family.  I dropped out of pop culture for a time there. If the TV was on, it was tuned into shows about puppets.  SUPERUNKNOWN was one of the albums I kept listening to, despite the toddler- induced social solitude and to be honest, a post-partum depression that was never really properly diagnosed or treated.  I had rock therapy.  I think it helped. (Thanks, guys.  I mean it.)

I finally managed to get my hands on a copy of BADMOTORFINGER too around that time.  Because I needed the extra dosage. Music was, and still is, the best medicine for me!!

DOWN ON THE UPSIDE was released in 1996 but I didn't really figure that out until about a year later.  We'd bought a house we couldn't afford in 1997 and again, buying discs wasn't happening for us.  One night I was up with the hungry baby and caught a live performance of "Pretty Noose" on Saturday Night Live.  Other than that I was back to catching songs on the radio, only now it was while driving the four door Dodge sedan through the subdivision on the way to the grocery store.  

It was also on the car radio, while rolling up to a stop sign, that I heard about the band's break-up announcement.  What a drag.  I mean, what a serious disappointment.  But even though I felt like it was the end of an era, I sort of got it.  They would not get to the Crappy Album Phase that so many bands go through.  They'd never put out the boring album made because they'd become complacent in their songwriting, and lazy in their performances.  They quit when things were still good.  They put a stop to the band before musical direction disagreements turned into full on fights.  They didn't start hating each other.

Anyways.  I love this picture too, because I'm all about clothes and they're wearing work boots, jeans, and canvas coats.  I'm in love.

So time went on and the guys all found stuff to do.  Each of them got busy with other bands and album projects, which I love, because I understand people who simply must make music.  Most famously, Matt Cameron joined Pearl Jam, and Chris Cornell collaborated with 3/4 of Rage Against The Machine to form a new group, Audioslave.  I loved that band.  I bought all three albums (we were down to one car at the time, so I didn't have to fork out at the gas station!) and when our kids were 11 and 9, we took them to Toronto for an Audioslave concert.  

Then that ended too.

Chris Cornell put together an intriguing solo album, his second, and then did a third one recently.

And then the rumours started. Soundgarden, back together?

I didn't pay much attention.  By this time, my life is pretty much informed by the internet, that wonderful and often totally unreliable source of everything.  

But... the rumours were true!

Again, driving.  This time, back home after taking a kid to early morning band practice.  Not only had Soundgarden re-formed for several concerts over the summer, but they'd put together a compilation and included a new, sort of newish, single!

And on top of all that, Chris let his hair grow out again.  *Swoon*

Because I'm truly a Breathless Fan kind of person, easily starstruck and stupidly loyal, I am really excited about this reunion.  I don't know if they plan anything ongoing and at this point don't care - I'll just soak this up while I can.  

I've been having fun digging up new pictures of the band.  Imagine how pleased I am at how great these guys look, almost twenty years after the crush started.

Ben, with his hair back and looking werewolfy.  Chris, still all pretty-eyed and curly-haired.  Kim, looking like he should have had that silver beard all along, to set off those big dark eyes.  And Matt, appearing to be all of twenty-nine years old now that everybody else is in the 45- 50 range.  Wow man, hanging around with Eddie Vedder must be the fountain of youth!

Found some great live shots.

Shepherd demonstrates how great bass players hold the instrument.  It's gotta be darn near knee level, and that's the family rule in my house.  The only guys allowed to play any kind of guitar up under their armpits are?  Let's hear it kids: Flea, Tim Commerford, and That Guy From Level 42.  If you are not any of those guys, get that thing close to the floor.

Thayil's taken up hat wearing.  I'm cool with that.  

Cornell demonstrates the Jesus Christ Pose.  Like he's been carrying the load.

And yet hasn't forgotten how to do the Classic Frontman Guitar Position #3.

Meahnwhile, Dorian Gray Matt Cameron here has one of the best drummer pictures EVER.  He's just doing his thing, man, and has enough time to sort of look over his shoulder to say hi.

I have never seen them live.  I figured I never would.  Could I be so lucky some day?

TELEPHANTASM includes a DVD of videos.  I'd only seen two of them.  Mind you, there weren't many shirts involved in the two I had seen.

The kids and I have done some studying and have come up with a formula for making a Soundgarden video.


Flashing lights

Throwing around of long hair, also known as "windmilling"


deserts (or sand if the location budget is tight)

very fast edits

individual shots of each band member

things melting and burning



things that are the colour of flames.

It's been a blast to listen to this double CD set, because I missed out on so much of the earlier work.  The liner notes are fun too.  Just don't leave the first disc in the stereo of your Mom's car.  She won't think the lyrics to "Big Dumb Sex" are very funny.  You've been warned.

Now sit yourself down to enjoy some videos!

"Fell On Black Days"

(I love this song.  The black and white video is stark and gorgeous- and doesn't follow the formula!)

(deserts, flames, things that are the colour of flames, individual shots)

...and because everything about this song ROCKS...

(very fast edits, flashing things, flames, individual shots, copious amounts of hair flinging, PLUS, oh my gosh, flannel, irate villagers, insanity face (on both an irate dude as well as Chris) dogs, a shack, and a nasty old Chevy truck.  It could be the best video ever made!)

Later dudes.  I have some rockin' out to do.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

2010 Emmy awards and VMA: We're really just here for the outfits, man.

Yeah I know.  The Emmy awards were ages ago.  Hey, I'm really busy over here, what with farrier visits and sharing a car with Grandma while I am left truckless!! I couldn't leave the Emmy thing without a comment though, so have a look and then we'll get to the real fun stuff dished up over at MTV.  Honestly, I didn't even watch the VMAs.  There's this great thing called the Internet though, so I got what I needed to know.  Namely, what everybody wore!  Get in and get comfy, here we go...

Tina Fey is genuinely talented, funny, and an extremely good looking woman.  I know, what's not to love?  She looked so good in this dress, I want to tap her on the shoulder and say, "Tina, you're gorgeous and you look perfect in this dress, so SMILE lady!"  But I don't asked to help with these things. I should be, though.  I got ideas.

I hope that face is a smug expression of triumph, because she rocks.

Next, the expression of happiness.  Look how cute this girl is!  I'm not sure if the dress is crooked or if she's standing sort of off centre, but I do like it.  I wonder if the ruffles make swishing noises.

(Who is she?  Is she on Glee?  I'm afraid of that show.)

It's Crazy Dress Time!  January Jones has a fun name, and wore a dress made of some kind of weird fabric that looks like crimped blue tin foil.  It looks wildly uncomfortable.   

However, it doesn't look like anybody else's dress, so good job there.  She knows how to work it.  Her hair looks much like mine does after picking out eight hooves.  I think that's a good thing.  Most of all I love how this photo was snapped on an angle.  Whoooo-ahhhh-oooohhhh!  She's on Mad Men.  Should I be watching that show?

Her castmate, Christina Hendricks, is an unbelievable red-haired barbie doll.  She is by no means large, but she clearly hasn't tried to starve herself into a stupid Hollywood size zero.  Yay!  

I like the colour on her fair skin, and it looks feathery.  I like feathers.  Lavender feathers are a bonus!

I don't like this though.  By the looks of it, she doesn't either.  So sad.

But I do like looking at people in the background in some of these photos.  Where are they going?  Who are they talking to?  Are they also former farm kids and can't believe they're really there with all the famous people?  Are they too wondering what the heck is wrong with Anna's skirt?  

I love this picture the MOST.  I love Rita Wilson's crazy sparkly... chandelier looking... drape?  over her dress.  I love that she matched the shoes to it! 

And really love how Tom Hanks is back there grinning at his wife.  This makes me happy all over!

Speaking of husband and wife: Kevin and Kyra forever!  If you don't like Kevin Bacon, you are lying.  Kyra Sedgwick is so pretty and doesn't pretend to be ten years younger than she is.  She once played a sister to Julia Roberts, which made perfect sense to me.  

I like her loose wavy hair.  And you know, his shades.  Because he's Kevin Bacon and he can.

Toni Collette's dress disturbs me.  Only her fierce attitude saves it.

I can't help it... I just think it looks like she accidentally dragged a grey dress through a wet field on the way there.  I want to like it, because it is interesting, but it's the possibility that I'll have to hose if off and hang it on the fence until morning. Sorry Toni.  I'm sure everybody said that, and you got sick of hearing it,  and you really thought this dress was cool.  Oh well.  Shorter hem next year??

Jane Lynch is awesome.  She's been in a few movies put together by Christopher Guest (whom I love) and even though I don't watch Glee, I know that Sue Sylvester is a legendary character!

Doesn't she look beautiful in this purple gown?!?

Also, the actual award itself... doesn't it look like the hood ornament from a magnificent and now extinct luxury car from the 1920s?

I can't remember who all won stuff, and truthfully don't totally care.  George Clooney got a special humanitarian award.  I like George.  He's a solid actor and he just seems like a genuinely cool dude.  Smart too.  No nonsense, just a clever, funny, articulate, friendly, decent guy.

Plus he's just so darn good looking.  

You can love him, go ahead.  Just don't plan on marrying him, Ok?

Okay enough of the respectable serious stuff.  Let's get some fun going on here.  And who brings the fun better than anybody else these days?  Katy Perry!

She's wearing what looks like a black tattoo on a nekkid torso, and it's one of the most formal and elegant things she's worn.  There is no fake food sewn onto it.  Her hair has colours in it and you know I can't resist colourful hair!

Most of all...

 This girl is just so darn beautiful.  It's natural.  I know she's wearing a layer of makeup but she's pretty for real.  And, she sings live.  You can tell by the odd bum note here and there.  I'm not being mean, because even awesome singers miss a few, and I have so much respect for anybody who performs for real!

And then... part the seas of the ordinary... make way for the fierce.  The magnificent.  The frightening.

The Gaga.

Can I tell you how much I love this picture?  She's all like, "I need not command the riff raff to move.  They simply shall clear the way."  And her personal hand holder/ dress wrangler/ wig steadier looks rather afraid of her.  And what's with the guy on the other side with medals on his jacket????

Just bizarre.

She's totally got the attitude for this dress.  Also it appears that she has gold metal feathers on her head.  She looks like she is owning the place, and totally relishing it.

I mean, what's not to love.  Unless you totally resent her for making music that sticks in your head like rubber cement, especially if you're angry that those sticky tunes contain non-words.  Completely justified, really, but you still gotta hand it to her for bringing the confidently crazy to the show.

By contrast, this youngun looks miserable.  I think I would be too if I chose a plastic dress to wear to the VMAs.  I'd be totally uncomfortable, worried about heat rash and trying to figure out where to put that rope glued to my head, and then friggin Gaga comes storming in on a cloud of red and black and gold swirls with her stupid head feathers and stupid blue and pink hair and stupid own-face.  Geez.  And then I'd worry that people won't even get it that the rope is supposed to be a braid, like a long Rapunzel kind of braid, and on top of all that nobody's even noticing these legs which are actually surprisingly great, and yeah, I'd look miserable too.

Besides, what does Gaga actually look like? Unless she's dressed in something that isn't technically clothes, would be recognize her?  I know I tend to look like a different person in every photo, but this chick... I just don't know what to say.  She only slightly looks like someone related to her.  

On a different but related (see what I did there) topic, yes, apparently she is wearing a meat dress.  Those are two words that shouldn't go together.  At first I saw the pictures and thought, "there's no way that's real meat.  It's canvas or something with an incredibly intricate dye job."  But then I started thinking about BBQ and marbling and wow, if that really is meat, this just opens a whole other can of pork and beans, man.  Like, are we that wasteful in the "developed" world that we can just wear food?  You know nobody's gonna wanna cook this up when she's done with it.  And at least Katy Perry's sushi dress was fake sushi.  Although there are probably carnivorous men in this world who would think, "Woman + meat =happiness" so there's that, but still... and then I have to stop thinking about it.

Luckily, we have Cher.  She is still here to make us forget everything else.  So yeah, Gag gag.  And you too Madonna and Ke-dollarsign-a and Rhianna and all you girls, talented or not, who think you got the shock value thing all figured out.

No, dude.  Cher invented that shock value thing.

Say what you want about her age, her giant wig, or her heavily made up face.  She's 64.  And she's rocking that ridiculous suit she first wore 25 years ago- in a video MTV was scared of.

Honestly, this isn't fair... I mean, few of us can aspire to being in this shape at 64.  Few of us are now.  Maybe she's got a whopping combo of good genes and luck.  Maybe she can afford a magic fitness guru, I don't know, but she's kind of unrealistic. Heck, good for her.  Way to show up and put everything in its place Cher.  Now please make another movie!!!

Well, most people were watching this show to see if good ol Kanye would do anything bone headed, and how Sweet Taylor would respond.  Oh my gosh.  I'm kinda glad I didn't watch this.  I mean, I tell you I watch the awards shows so you don't have to, but man, this must have been awkward.

What is she, 19?  She's wearing as much makeup as Cher.  They've made her unrecognizable.  Seriously if I hadn't been told this is Taylor Swift, I might have thought she was Natalie Maines, who is cute, but no longer nineteen years old. 

Well, the leather wingback chair is nice, and that national guitar is lovely.  I'd like to give the poor girl a pair of soft fuzzy socks.  I know how hard it is to warm your toes with your other toes.

Can you imagine her stylists and publicists and managers debating this look/ vibe/ song choice/ lighting/ for the last year?  Ack.  I mean, it makes me tired just thinking of it.

So let's talk about Kanye.

I have spent the last few years trying to decide if I like this guy or not.  He alternately pisses me off, delights me, irritates me, amuses me, and makes me wonder why his clothes always look like really expensive but highly tacky upholstery.

I keep hearing about his hilarious twitter posts.  I can't figure out if he knows he's funny or if he takes himself seriously.  If you really want the Kanye Report, the Fug Girls said it best.

So if we're keeping track, it looks to me like the Kanye/ Taylor smackdown was a big giant awkward nothing.  Apparently missing the actual broadcast didn't ruin my life.

Next year they should ask Gaga's wild Alexander McQueen royalty gown to host the show.