2010 Emmy awards and VMA: We're really just here for the outfits, man.

Yeah I know.  The Emmy awards were ages ago.  Hey, I'm really busy over here, what with farrier visits and sharing a car with Grandma while I am left truckless!! I couldn't leave the Emmy thing without a comment though, so have a look and then we'll get to the real fun stuff dished up over at MTV.  Honestly, I didn't even watch the VMAs.  There's this great thing called the Internet though, so I got what I needed to know.  Namely, what everybody wore!  Get in and get comfy, here we go...

Tina Fey is genuinely talented, funny, and an extremely good looking woman.  I know, what's not to love?  She looked so good in this dress, I want to tap her on the shoulder and say, "Tina, you're gorgeous and you look perfect in this dress, so SMILE lady!"  But I don't asked to help with these things. I should be, though.  I got ideas.

I hope that face is a smug expression of triumph, because she rocks.

Next, the expression of happiness.  Look how cute this girl is!  I'm not sure if the dress is crooked or if she's standing sort of off centre, but I do like it.  I wonder if the ruffles make swishing noises.

(Who is she?  Is she on Glee?  I'm afraid of that show.)

It's Crazy Dress Time!  January Jones has a fun name, and wore a dress made of some kind of weird fabric that looks like crimped blue tin foil.  It looks wildly uncomfortable.   

However, it doesn't look like anybody else's dress, so good job there.  She knows how to work it.  Her hair looks much like mine does after picking out eight hooves.  I think that's a good thing.  Most of all I love how this photo was snapped on an angle.  Whoooo-ahhhh-oooohhhh!  She's on Mad Men.  Should I be watching that show?

Her castmate, Christina Hendricks, is an unbelievable red-haired barbie doll.  She is by no means large, but she clearly hasn't tried to starve herself into a stupid Hollywood size zero.  Yay!  

I like the colour on her fair skin, and it looks feathery.  I like feathers.  Lavender feathers are a bonus!

I don't like this though.  By the looks of it, she doesn't either.  So sad.

But I do like looking at people in the background in some of these photos.  Where are they going?  Who are they talking to?  Are they also former farm kids and can't believe they're really there with all the famous people?  Are they too wondering what the heck is wrong with Anna's skirt?  

I love this picture the MOST.  I love Rita Wilson's crazy sparkly... chandelier looking... drape?  over her dress.  I love that she matched the shoes to it! 

And really love how Tom Hanks is back there grinning at his wife.  This makes me happy all over!

Speaking of husband and wife: Kevin and Kyra forever!  If you don't like Kevin Bacon, you are lying.  Kyra Sedgwick is so pretty and doesn't pretend to be ten years younger than she is.  She once played a sister to Julia Roberts, which made perfect sense to me.  

I like her loose wavy hair.  And you know, his shades.  Because he's Kevin Bacon and he can.

Toni Collette's dress disturbs me.  Only her fierce attitude saves it.

I can't help it... I just think it looks like she accidentally dragged a grey dress through a wet field on the way there.  I want to like it, because it is interesting, but it's the possibility that I'll have to hose if off and hang it on the fence until morning. Sorry Toni.  I'm sure everybody said that, and you got sick of hearing it,  and you really thought this dress was cool.  Oh well.  Shorter hem next year??

Jane Lynch is awesome.  She's been in a few movies put together by Christopher Guest (whom I love) and even though I don't watch Glee, I know that Sue Sylvester is a legendary character!

Doesn't she look beautiful in this purple gown?!?

Also, the actual award itself... doesn't it look like the hood ornament from a magnificent and now extinct luxury car from the 1920s?

I can't remember who all won stuff, and truthfully don't totally care.  George Clooney got a special humanitarian award.  I like George.  He's a solid actor and he just seems like a genuinely cool dude.  Smart too.  No nonsense, just a clever, funny, articulate, friendly, decent guy.

Plus he's just so darn good looking.  

You can love him, go ahead.  Just don't plan on marrying him, Ok?

Okay enough of the respectable serious stuff.  Let's get some fun going on here.  And who brings the fun better than anybody else these days?  Katy Perry!

She's wearing what looks like a black tattoo on a nekkid torso, and it's one of the most formal and elegant things she's worn.  There is no fake food sewn onto it.  Her hair has colours in it and you know I can't resist colourful hair!

Most of all...

 This girl is just so darn beautiful.  It's natural.  I know she's wearing a layer of makeup but she's pretty for real.  And, she sings live.  You can tell by the odd bum note here and there.  I'm not being mean, because even awesome singers miss a few, and I have so much respect for anybody who performs for real!

And then... part the seas of the ordinary... make way for the fierce.  The magnificent.  The frightening.

The Gaga.

Can I tell you how much I love this picture?  She's all like, "I need not command the riff raff to move.  They simply shall clear the way."  And her personal hand holder/ dress wrangler/ wig steadier looks rather afraid of her.  And what's with the guy on the other side with medals on his jacket????

Just bizarre.

She's totally got the attitude for this dress.  Also it appears that she has gold metal feathers on her head.  She looks like she is owning the place, and totally relishing it.

I mean, what's not to love.  Unless you totally resent her for making music that sticks in your head like rubber cement, especially if you're angry that those sticky tunes contain non-words.  Completely justified, really, but you still gotta hand it to her for bringing the confidently crazy to the show.

By contrast, this youngun looks miserable.  I think I would be too if I chose a plastic dress to wear to the VMAs.  I'd be totally uncomfortable, worried about heat rash and trying to figure out where to put that rope glued to my head, and then friggin Gaga comes storming in on a cloud of red and black and gold swirls with her stupid head feathers and stupid blue and pink hair and stupid own-face.  Geez.  And then I'd worry that people won't even get it that the rope is supposed to be a braid, like a long Rapunzel kind of braid, and on top of all that nobody's even noticing these legs which are actually surprisingly great, and yeah, I'd look miserable too.

Besides, what does Gaga actually look like? Unless she's dressed in something that isn't technically clothes, would be recognize her?  I know I tend to look like a different person in every photo, but this chick... I just don't know what to say.  She only slightly looks like someone related to her.  

On a different but related (see what I did there) topic, yes, apparently she is wearing a meat dress.  Those are two words that shouldn't go together.  At first I saw the pictures and thought, "there's no way that's real meat.  It's canvas or something with an incredibly intricate dye job."  But then I started thinking about BBQ and marbling and wow, if that really is meat, this just opens a whole other can of pork and beans, man.  Like, are we that wasteful in the "developed" world that we can just wear food?  You know nobody's gonna wanna cook this up when she's done with it.  And at least Katy Perry's sushi dress was fake sushi.  Although there are probably carnivorous men in this world who would think, "Woman + meat =happiness" so there's that, but still... and then I have to stop thinking about it.

Luckily, we have Cher.  She is still here to make us forget everything else.  So yeah, Gag gag.  And you too Madonna and Ke-dollarsign-a and Rhianna and all you girls, talented or not, who think you got the shock value thing all figured out.



No, dude.  Cher invented that shock value thing.

Say what you want about her age, her giant wig, or her heavily made up face.  She's 64.  And she's rocking that ridiculous suit she first wore 25 years ago- in a video MTV was scared of.

Honestly, this isn't fair... I mean, few of us can aspire to being in this shape at 64.  Few of us are now.  Maybe she's got a whopping combo of good genes and luck.  Maybe she can afford a magic fitness guru, I don't know, but she's kind of unrealistic. Heck, good for her.  Way to show up and put everything in its place Cher.  Now please make another movie!!!

Well, most people were watching this show to see if good ol Kanye would do anything bone headed, and how Sweet Taylor would respond.  Oh my gosh.  I'm kinda glad I didn't watch this.  I mean, I tell you I watch the awards shows so you don't have to, but man, this must have been awkward.

What is she, 19?  She's wearing as much makeup as Cher.  They've made her unrecognizable.  Seriously if I hadn't been told this is Taylor Swift, I might have thought she was Natalie Maines, who is cute, but no longer nineteen years old. 

Well, the leather wingback chair is nice, and that national guitar is lovely.  I'd like to give the poor girl a pair of soft fuzzy socks.  I know how hard it is to warm your toes with your other toes.

Can you imagine her stylists and publicists and managers debating this look/ vibe/ song choice/ lighting/ for the last year?  Ack.  I mean, it makes me tired just thinking of it.

So let's talk about Kanye.

I have spent the last few years trying to decide if I like this guy or not.  He alternately pisses me off, delights me, irritates me, amuses me, and makes me wonder why his clothes always look like really expensive but highly tacky upholstery.

I keep hearing about his hilarious twitter posts.  I can't figure out if he knows he's funny or if he takes himself seriously.  If you really want the Kanye Report, the Fug Girls said it best.

So if we're keeping track, it looks to me like the Kanye/ Taylor smackdown was a big giant awkward nothing.  Apparently missing the actual broadcast didn't ruin my life.

Next year they should ask Gaga's wild Alexander McQueen royalty gown to host the show.