Wednesday, March 10, 2010

2010 OSCAR REPORT (cuz Heidi the Hick loves showbiz)

Let's just get the shocking truth out of the way right now.  

I did not watch the Oscars.

I wanted to, but let's just say I was very busy this weekend.  As the hours ticked by and my work wasn't done yet, anything on TV got less important.  Good news: finished the job.  (sort of.)  More good news: This "internet" system got invented so that people like me can catch up on stuff we missed.  Oh magical Internet... I don't have a clue how it works, I can't decide if I love it or hate it, but I can hardly live without it.

On with the show!!!  

Okay so first of all, I missed The Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin Show.  Or was it the Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin Show?  I think Steve Martin is reliably hilarious.  Did you know he's a great banjo player?  It's true.  He can play any depressing song on a banjo and make it sound happy.  And Baldwin, well, he's... A-rec Baw-win!  As Bucky would say, it just got smarmy in here.  And you like it.

They appear to be holding hands in this picture.  

I assume here they're riffing on Avatar.  Or maybe that movie about the meatballs that Sweetie saw with a couple of little kids. It gave her a headache.  

Now this!  I do not know what THIS is!  Clearly, it involves Neil Patrick Harris, who has been known to make me giggle, and a couple of showgirls, and possibly a couple more dancers in tuxes.  I have no idea why, but I don't think he needs a reason.  

Is that a freakin' sparkly tuxedo smoking jacket he's wearing?  It looks like it'd crackle with every movement, which is icky and adds to the funny.  It was funny, right?

Speaking of funny... I didn't have to watch the Oscars to see THIS about five times.  Every news show ran it repeatedly the next day.

It was friggin' hilarious the first two!   Then it was like, yeh.  Doesn't Stiller look terrifying in this shot?  I couldn't find a pic of his tail.  That wouldn't get old.  Tails are awesome, even if they're sticking out of the seat of pants.

There was a John Hughes tribute, which I was disappointed to have missed.  Some of those movies were defining moments in my life.  I remember being about 13 and thinking Pretty in Pink was the best movie ever.  I liked her car.  Years later I wondered how the heck an impoverished teenager could afford to buy a vintage Volkswagen Kharman Ghia regardless of the condition it was in.  Also years later I noticed that cute redheaded Molly was really good at playing cute redheaded Molly but whatever.  John Hughes made an entire movie about high school detention.  Dudes, I did some of my best sketches in detention.  Good times.

Also, two words for you:    Uncle.     Buck.

Alright.  Time for the real reason you're here.  CLOTHES.  Ohmygosh thisissomuchfun let's do this!

Here I dug up a pic of Tarantino with Diane Krueger, (aka Woman from National Treasure movies).

I'm starting off with this dress because it caused some controversy.  Half of the gossip/ entertainment/ news type people who allegedly get to spout opinions on this things (I hereby appoint myself as one of them) absolutely LOVED this dress.  The other half HATED it.  I think it's cool!  All those ribbons and ruffles!  That creamy pale pink with the black contrast!  Can you imagine how much my cat would love this?!  However I'm still a practical farm kid at heart and I can't figure how one would sit in a dress like that.  Wouldn't all those little rose-shaped ruffles get crushed?

And another divisive outfit, this time on good ol' SJP, who can always be counted on to show up and be photographed.  This year she had on this bizarre sheath with some kind of silver ornamentation and a neck strap... and it was like... the back was... Oh heck I just don't know.

It stirred up some serious Love-Hate. 

Thing is, she brings her Permanent Date with her, Matthew "Ferris Bueller" Broderick.  You know.  Star of One Of The Best Movies Ever.  Speaking of John Hughes.  

Now let's get to a dress that just made my mom sad.  "That poor girl," she said, "Doesn't she have a mirror?"  Maybe she only looked at her side view.  Seems okay, right? Pretty colour.  

But um, from the front it looks like she's got rose-boobs.  Grabby hands.  Soft Targets.  Swirly Nippies.  Cupcakes.  Hypnotizers. Does she know?  Is she aware that in the picture above, it appears that people behind her are laughing at her.  So sad.

Then we got over it, because A) she's Charlize Theron and this will likely not wreck her career, and B) there are much worse to come.

Like THIS.

THIS just makes me angry.  I'm serious. Angry for so many reasons.

The Cyrus Kid.  Oh, forehead slap, head shake, Cyrus Kid.
I don't know why she's there, I don't know how she can be so cute and yet sound like a 67-year old pool-hall lizard when she speaks, and I don't know how she can have parents who let her out of the house looking like THIS.

In every single picture from the Oscars, she's slouched, hunched over, with her arms clasped to her sides.  It looks like her rib cage has been squished.  She looks uncomfortable and fake.  If she lifted her arms even an inch, she'd pop right out of that hideous K-mart looking corset top.  Also the skirt on that thing is gross.

I don't understand this - doesn't anybody love her????  Doesn't anybody look at this situation and wonder why this kid is wearing a cheap looking dress that is clearly too small for her? Why can't they just let her be a teenager?  Why must she be dressed in tacky tight crap that makes her look miserable?

Gah.  People.

Then there's this, which doesn't make me angry, but simply perplexed.

I just don't get it.

Also, why this very pale thin young lady decided to wear a dress that makes her top half look like she was poured into a flute glass.  She looks like a tube with a puffy skirt.  The skirt is lovely, although it looks like it might be made out of bubble wrap.  But that bodice, it's ready to swallow up anything that falls out of her face.  It's not good.  

This is better.  It's purty and soft.  I just wish it was a slightly more bold shade of dusty pinky rosy blush.

OH my GOSH is that a peek of LEG?  I almost didn't see that.  It blends.  The lace is cute though.  Reminds me of the curtains I plan to hang in my future farm house.  In the formal dining room/ horse observation lounge.  Oh yes, big filmy ruffly lacy curtains, like Dolly Parton's Opry gowns.  Wait, where was I?

Ah, Monique, amazing piece of work.
Great colour, and with her hair back we can see her pretty face.  She won the little golden dude for Best Supporting Actress.  I have got to see that movie, even though I'm kind of scared of it.  

This girl is a riot.  I'm honestly not sure about the dress.  Everybody else seems to be all over it with the gushing, but I think it's a little too busy.  I've seen her in better.  I just don't think it's as flattering as it could be.  Having said that, royal blue is stunning against her dark skin, and it totally matches her fun, sparkling personality!

I love her name.  Gabour-AY.  It seems a shame to shorten it to Gabby.  I hope we see more of her.  I'm surprised she didn't win the Oscar, because from the movie clips I've seen, she put down one hell of a piece of acting.  Geez.  She's nothing like that character.  She's a total blast.  

I think Jeff Bridges is awesome.  He's the Dude, man.  He looked cool and confident, and I love how he and his pretty wife look together.  They've been married for over 30 years.  Good job!

Check him out with the grey streaks in her hair and beard, the well weathered squint.  Contrasts so beautifully with the tux!  She's lovely too.  Not a crazy dress, just elegant and classy.  

Speaking of which.  Kathryn Bigelow!  I just read that she's 58 years old.  Obviously she's very athletic and fit.  She doesn't strike me as being a frilly girly-girl.  I think this silver dress suited her very well.

Oh look, another fun couple!  

How much do we love RDJ?!?

His wife Susan is stunning.  Who can get away with sparkly horizontal stripes???? Um, her.  Also I think it's fun that his bow tie matches her dress.  He's gotten some flack from some of the more perfeshnul critics for wearing sneakers but hey man, he wasn't up for an award. He didn't really need to be super formal.  Also, he is RDJ and therefore he can do what he wants. 

Winslet.  She should have looked like this last year when she won.  Sigh.

Not very exciting but flattering and lovely.  Her hair looks sculpted but still soft.  I hated her hair when she was the Oscar winner.  It looked like a helmet.  This is so much better!

Helen Mirren is gorgeous and doesn't try to pretend to be younger than she is.  

She always looks beautiful.  I really think on anybody else this would be at the best, boring, and at the worst, frumpy.  Yet on her it's all, yow, baby, you sparkling silver fox!  

Also I think Meryl (aka Best Living Actress Just Accept It) looked so pretty.  I love her soft hairdo and perfect make up.

Sandra Bullock!  Pefect!  Gorgeous!  Formal and elegant but still looked like herself!

Normally I'd be very suspicious of this fabric.  It looks like it might be the kind of thing I touch when it's hanging on a rack in a store then pull my hand back like it got burned because the fabric is all slippery and icky.  But no!  It looks like liquid smooth fanfrickintastic!

I am not going to call Carey Mulligan Cute.  She must be really sick of that by now.  Instead I will say that she is a pretty young lady and reminds me of Mia Farrow in the 60s.  That's okay, right?

I love, love love, this dress.  It fits right, the hem is different, and it sparkles.  She paired it with giant dangly earrings which really stand out with her short hair. I'm not sure about the shoes but she's young and hip so she can make it work.

But what I really seriously love about this dress is the unexpectedness of the sparklies: they are actually tiny little shiny things!  Objects!  Scissors, buttons, a fork, maybe a wee saxophone?  I mean, why the hell not?  It turns a very formal gown into a walking museum of fun!

And if you want fun - Vera Farmiga wore this fuschia ruffle tube!  Some hated it!  Said it was: too much sculpture, too bright on her pale skin, wrong lipstick colour, wrong colour.  I say, IT'S PINK.

I mean, hello?  Does she look like she's having fun?  Heck yes!

I don't think I could wear it.  At 5'1" I think that dress would wear me.  But I still like it.

And in the crazy fun category, Zoe Saldana's wild purple pom pom creation at first scared me a little but it's grown on me like a weed from another planet.  The colour!! The sparkly top!  The weird waist flap!  Then... the layers of floofy ruffly skirt balls?  What the heck is going on there???

Again, she looks so happy and pleased.  This is the face a great dress should result in.  Well not her face specifically.  Although that would be nice.  She is gorgeous.  What I mean is that in every picture I found, she's flashing that brilliant smile, working the heck outta that insane dress, and apparently loving every minute of it.   I'd call that a success.  

Anyways, so awards.  Yes.  I haven't seen The Blind Side.  I guess this means our girl Sandy did a good job!  I loved her speech.  Sometimes I think we love her regardless of her acting skills, just because she's such a cool chick.  I'd totally hang with her.  I'd even go shopping with her and I hate shopping.

The big story was Hurt Locker vs. Avatar.  Cameron vs. Bigelow.  The small budget vs. the big budget.  Oh and also they were married for two years, way back about twenty years ago.

I think by the look on her face in this picture I dug up, she's not really all that scared of the Big Bad Cameron.

I am so, so, so pleased with this.

I thought Avatar was magnificent, but I remember seeing ads for The Hurt Locker and thinking it looked absolutely intense, with a sly little sense of humour lurking in there.  It might be the one war movie I'd actually watch.  That's something.  So far the only war movie I've enjoyed was Tropic Thunder and yeah, no, that doesn't count.  

I hope the Academy gets their act together from now on.  I'd really like to see it become less of a White Boys' Club.  But I'd also like the recording studio biz to be profitable and for every day to be nice and warm and for my horses to behave consistently.  I mean, it's possible. It's a goal to work towards.  Y'know?

Look at this.  I love this.

I know this feeling.  

That's all I'm going to say.

And for anybody who believes that awards are bullshit, I'd like to counter it with this picture.

Yep.  They're B.S. until you win one.

Now I have to figure out how to get the best of all these ideas into one ass kicking red carpet creation suitable for the wilds of beautiful Newfoundland...

(Oh my gosh, I just realized they're all strapless and I don't have much to hold anything like that up.  Yikes!)

So, agreements?  Disagreements?  What did I leave out?  What did you love and hate about the show, or about this little report?  And can we do this again next year????


pseudosu said...

Where to begin?!
First of all, I didn't watch either-- so thanks. I think it's hilarious that before i even read your caption I was like, "Huh, Ben Stiller." Even in that get up he kind of looks like himself!
Also- I now have the BIGGEST girl crush on Kathryn Bigelow. So effing cool!! I totally want to be her, and it's so refreshing to be my age and have someone older to look up to that is still cool, and erm, hot, and totally rocking it.

Also <3 <3 <3 RDJ & JBridges. The dude does, indeed, abide.

Heidi the Hick said...

Oh girl, THANK YOU for the Dude line!

Heidi Willis said...

I had a half hour today to squeeze me in some writing and I made the mistake of seeing this was here and COULD NOT go off and write my piddly little scenes and IGNORE THE GEM that is HEIDI THE HICK"S OSCAR RECAP!!

Sigh. So worth it. :)

I watched only the very end. I wish I'd watched only the very beginning. I'm crushed I missed NPH. He rocks.

I think you make the best point that all the other critics miss, which is that half the dress is the person wearing it. How can you totally not love a dress when the person wearing it absolutely is GLOWING?? Part of the purpose of dresses like this is to make the person inside them feel beautiful, so if it does, it's done it's job.

That said, some people can just pull off anything. Helen rocked the boring dress - it looked almost ethereal on her - and Miley killed the ...well... bad example.

Miley needs a mother. And a fashion consultant.

I'd keep going but my time is up. I love this!! You always make me laugh!

Paul Tee said...

Thank you. Your recap puts the whole gala affair into proper perspective.

I'm not a fashion guru, and as a live, breathing male of strong persuasion, I'm rarely distracted by what people wear. I tend to react more to what they don't wear.
As far as I'm concerned, a bright smile is the best fashion accessory, and a relaxed natural posture speaks volumes.

Dresses? Well can't help thinking of the agonies the A-list people put themselves through to finally settle on their choices and be shredded for it afterwards.

Hurt Locker? What's that? Never heard of it. Does it smell like a gym locker room?

However, the drama was not lost on me. A David and Goliath confrontation? Big budget facing off no-budget? In the end, it seems more likely to me, the award was more a political statement of how much James Cameron is disliked by the industry insiders.

I liked that a woman director got the honours this year, and indeed, Bigelow was physically fit, having no problems hefting an Oscar in each hand.

Yes I liked Sandra Bullock in Blindside, as I did in Speed, Miss Congeniality (she squeezed into that dress, or was poured into it), and in 28 Days, or whatever it was called. She had paid her dues, and I was glad she was finally rewarded. But-- I couldn't reconcile myself to her hairdo, straight out flat, limp, not framing her face well at all. Her speech was great, brought tears to my eyes.

I still think The Oscars is Hollywood masturbating in front of a worldwide audience, but then hey--it was fun, seeing the A-list trying to hurry through their thank you speeches, with so much sincerity and genuine outpourings of emotion, trying to remember whom they had forgotten. I think, someone ought to short out the telepromter, and make them all add-lib.

That's my take on it. Thanks Heidi for yours. I'm really, really looking forward to your coverage of the Junos this year. Pulling for Jethro big time.