Saturday, September 02, 2006

2006 MTV Video Music Awards (from a hick perspective)

Thursday night, my one fuzzy channel tuned in on my TV...WHA HAPPEN???

Jack Black-whom I love- claimed that this show had been layin down farts for 20 years and he was gonna light the match.

I waited breathlessly for the blue flames. All we got was a lot of methane.

Personally I think the only thing that could save this party would be to hike it up to Toronto, set up the stage on Queen Street, and....oh wait. That's the Muchmusic Video Awards. Maybe MTV should do this thing like we do the Juno Awards and truck it around to a new city every year. A good show is guaranteed; every city will bust a hump to outdo the one before. Like, I avoid cities and I know this.

Right off the bat, this guy, Justin Timberlake announced that he was going to bring Sexy back.
Reeeeally. I had no idea Sexy left.

Being a metal loving hick, I have to admit that I don’t get hip hop. I like 5 seconds of it. Then, bored. This only makes sense. It’s “urban” music. I’m “rural.” We just can’t stay in love.

Generally I didn’t understand most of what went on. For example:


-How does one eat when one’s teeth are encrusted in fake jewels?

-Kanye’s pants didn’t fit right. It looked like he took an old guy’s easy chair and stapled it up into an outfit. I hope I’m not supposed to think it’s sexy.

-Nobody could read the teleprompter! Was it out of focus? Scrolling too slow? Were they already drunk???

-wtf with these Pussycat Dolls? I mean, ten years ago there were Spice Girls, and they may not have all been stellar vocalists, but at least they all held microphones which they expelled noises into.

-Who are all these girls? I can’t tell all those chick singers apart!

-Wha the heh happen to Beyonce??? In that trench coat act, being dramatically hauled around by guys in uniforms, I thought for sure I was watching Lil Kim. (Who by the way, had most of her skin covered.)

Apparently B lost weight. I’m glad she still has her magnificent thighs. But her face looks...the same as every other beautiful brown skinned diva singer. Thank god her amazing voice didn’t lose any weight.

Beyonce looks suspiciously like Lil Kim only taller, prettier, and less incarcerated.

-Shakira. Oh dear. Watch her with the sound off. Dance. No sing.

-Madonna and Christina: three nominations each, no awards. People, Madonna made MTV what it is. Okay? And Christina? She is the now and the future. Duh.

Plus she’s fun-crazy. She is. Look at her.
Thankfully they let her sing.

-Those little moonman things kept falling apart. Did they buy them at the dollar store?

-Why you should buy their record: If they don’t sell records they can’t afford cases and cases of black eyeliner, which would then put the manufacturers of black eyeliner outta business and therefore crash the economy of the cosmetics industry and if that goes, it all goes. See, I may be a hick, but I have a clue about the way things work. (By the way, I don't love them.)

-The Raconteurs. We all know that I love them. Heidi the Hick loves the Raconteurs. They are one of the bands I want to see very badly. They were kind of a house band and while it was great to get a steady dose of them throughout the boring three hour show, I was irritated. I wanted more. More of Jack White’s whiny voice. More of Brendan Benson’s scruffiness. More of Patrick Keelor’s head-down-sticks-up drumming. More of Little Jack’s slightly lost looking bass wrangling. Want more.

They were punching it hard, like in a “this show sucks and we’re irritated” kind of way. Jack is playing some beautiful guitars.

-These guys are chic hicks. Look at those suits.
Little Jack's hair is lovely against his suit, and his tie? Takes guts, young fella.
Jack's tone-on-tone black ensemble is perfect. Goes well with the fresh black dye job in his hair.
Patrick- how cute are you Patrick???-wearing a leather vest. With white buttons. To go with the shirt. Yes.
Brendon, scruffy as ever, is first of all sporting a rather Grand Ole Opryish jacket with white piping. And a plaid tie.

Hey, Raconteurs, if you’re reading this, I want to thank you personally for bringing Plaid to MTV. Not that I ever watch MTV, and from what I hear they hardly even play music videos anymore...but thanks!

By the way their Lou Reed pair up was cool. The Billy Gibbons pair up was heavenly.

-OKGo doing their treadmill routine was pure rich perfection. I could watch that for half an hour and not get bored.

-I love AFI and admit that I have not seen the video for which they won an award. I’ve heard that it’s mind blowing and from what I saw in the clip, it appears to be. However...have you seen the video for Dani California by Red Hot Chili Peppers? It is, simply, one of the Best Videos EVER. Doesn't matter;RHCP weren't there. AFI did a great acceptance speech in which a white clad Davey Havok spoke in a perfect Rock Voice. ( Rock Voice: constrict throat, drawl, drag out all vowels. As in, I'm in a baaaand man.)

-Speaking of which...Davey Havok, Lou Reed. Lou Reed...backing away slowly from guy with sculpted eyebrows and blue eyeshadow. Brilliant awkward unscripted moment.

-DID YOU KNOW that Al Gore, yes, that Al Gore, the guy who Almost Was The President of the USA, is a rock star? He is! He had people cheering ecstatically! Global Warming is HOT!

-SHE is crazy. Pink parodied the ditzy blonde thing perfectly on stage. Honestly she’s nuts. If she ever decides to, she’ll take over. She just doesn’t care.

-speaking of crazy...have I mentioned that I love Jack White? Look at this guy. There are some eyeballs going in two different directions. It bothers me, being an outdoorsy kind of girl, that Jack looks like he hasn’t seen the sun in a year. But I am quite aware that most recording studios have no exterior windows. I know this because Jethro has a similar studio tan to Jack’s.

But I see something else here... oh I feel another Hick Chic Photo Comparison coming on...oh yeah.....
(Yes this is the second time I've done a Photo Comparison with these two guys.)

(Plus I take any opportunity to sneak a Johnny pic in anywhere.)

-This was fun.Panic! At The Disco. We watched it with the sound off.

-When these guys got up to collect their award, the following convo took place in my den:
ME: I would party with those guys.
JETHRO: Um.....I think your idea of partying with those guys is different from their idea of partying with you...

AND FINALLY...Axl Rose introduced the Killers. Now folks, I don’t know what’s goin on with Axl these days. He’s crawled out from under that rock he spent the last decade under. He looks older now. Well he should. He is. However I’m not sure what’s going on with the red face, yellow eyebrows and suspicious cornrows. I thought he was hot in 1987. Yes I did and I freely admit it. Now I’m confused. I will say this though, and if you’re honest, you’ll agree: he’s still got the swagger. He might still have that scream but they bleeped it.

Couldn’t find a photo of the Killers but I will say that I like their new look. All in black and wearing beards, like wild west outlaws, only with keyboards.

Then I went to bed.

MTV, I have ideas for next year.

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