Wednesday, January 10, 2007

the Hick Chic Best & Worst of 2006 Awards!

I'm doing it my way, featuring only the silly crap that matters to me in my small, overgrown, slightly dirty corner of the world...

BEST DRESSED (group)
The Raconteurs



BEST DRESSED (solo)
Johnny Depp


BEST RENAMING OF AN ARTICLE OF CLOTHING
Me! For doing away with the hateful moniker of "wife beater" and hereby declaring the white tank top be called a HICK HUGGER! See?!?

BEST LINE SPOKEN BY A FICTIONAL PIRATE AFTER A SLIMY HANDSHAKE

"I feel sullied, and...unusual..."

WORST WASTE OF A SOUTHERN GIRL WHO SEEMS PERFECTLY NICE BUT DOESN'T SEEM ALL SO BRIGHT Nothing is going in the right direction in that photo. You know it's bad when you find yourself thinking that her rotten good for nothin husband was better than who she's hanging around with now. Girl, go home and feed your children.

BEST LOOKING BIOLOGICAL THIRD CHILD BORN TO GORGEOUS HUSBAND STEALER/ CHEAT COMBO
Sigh. Good looks are not the most important thing in the world. Repeat.
Y'know, they better stay together after all that work. Cute family, seriously.

BEST HAIR
Andrew Stockdale of Aussie rock band Wolfmother.


WORST SELF ESTEEM BEATING
Ashlee Simpson's old nose.
I feel sorry for the old nose. It didn't do anything to deserve this kind of ostracization.
It's done. It ain't gonna grow back. Way to go kid, you look like a Barbie doll clone now. I don't even know you.

And... suddenly I stopped caring.

BEST ALBUM FROM 1971 MADE IN 2006 BY PEOPLE BORN IN THE 80s

Wolfmother.

MOST UNLIKELY ALBUM TO BE LOVED BY A HICK
AFI, Decemberunderground.I know. Stop teasing me about the Guyliner. Okay. I know.

BEST SONG STUCK IN HEAD (non irritating)
"Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley. What an incredibly catchy tune! That guy has a voice like...like...clouds...or like, candy...or his voice is like that feeling in your belly when you're so happy but you don't know why and all you know is that you wanna stay right where you are? Like, that's that guy's voice. Duzzat make me craaaayyzzzayyyy?????

THE "I'LL HAVE TO HOSE YOU DOWN FIRST, BUT OKAY" AWARD (fictional character)
Captain Jack Sparrow


BEST 3 WAY SWORDFIGHT SEQUENCE INVOLVING TWO HANDSOME BRITISH ACTORS AND ONE JOHNNY DEPP
ahhhhhhhhhh......what?

THE "IT COSTS SO MUCH TO ENTERTAIN US" AWARD
King Kong. I can't comprehend what this monstrosity cost to make and I'm ashamed to be a white North American who stupidly paid to see it. I'll never get that 3 1/2 hours of my life back.

THE "IT TAKES A HECK OF AN ACTOR TO DARN NEAR STEAL A MOVIE FROM JOHNNY DEPP" AWARD...especially when said actor's real face is obscured by a virtual squid face...
Bill Nighy as Davey Jones


BEST BLOG

Mine, and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours. We're all good.



Alright 2007. I AM READY FOR YOU.

7 comments:

Holly Kennedy said...

Hello fellow Canadian. Great blog. I, too, loved Complicated Kindness, although I know nothing about growing up Mennonite. She does write beautifully, doesn't she? Makes me aspire to do better with my 3rd novel. Gulp...

Brooklyn Frank said...

Nice job on the t's. but u might need a bustier model next time.

Heidi the Hick said...

Holly, yes, she makes me want to do better, and it's terrifying!!

Brooklyn Frank...dude. I'm really not hip enough to get what you're saying...

Brooklyn Frank said...

maybe you need some lessons in hipness. luckily, i am a hipness professor and can teach you for a small fee. ;)

Brooklyn Frank said...

maybe you need some lessons in hipness. luckily, i am a hipness professor and can teach you for a small fee. ;)

Brooklyn Frank said...

oops, sorry i double-posted~

Heidi the Hick said...

I'm definitely not hip, and I'm cool with that!

I'm comin over for hipness lessons.