Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Hick Chic 2007 Oscar Report!

Before we get any further, let's just get this straight right now- The Academy Awards are boring. It's really boring. And that's okay. Because really, when it comes right down to it, it's all about the clothes. Well, that and the possibility of something really wacky happening.

SO- the clothes. I was really looking forward to seeing what Jennifer Hudson would be wearing because I think she's looked great all the way along. But she's got her thumbs hooked in her pockets!!

This could have worked. I liked her hair and I thought the colour of the dress was perfect on her, but what is that silver jacket all about? Did that Andre Leon Talley guy with the red-lined cape have something to do with this? I gotta say, the cape is a scream. It's so crazy. But not everybody should wear a cape and not everybody should wear this little useless jacket thing. And the pockets! NOOOO! I'm all for pockets, really, and make good use of them. At any time I've got kleenex, elastics, keys, my driver's license, unmentionable necessities, and dog bones in my pockets. I've been known to have a spare hoof pick in my pocket.
I'm sure pockets are a great place to stash an acceptance speech- not that I'd know personally.

I've never done a red carpet walk. BUT WHEN I DO you can bet I will not have my hands in my pockets like I'm not sure what to do with my hands, or rootin around for a snot rag.

But I still think she's lovely.

Moving on.

Helen Mirren is gorgeous. This dress looked right with her skin and hair. By the end of the evening I was really sick of pale dresses but she looked great.

This is Patricia Field. I'm not really sure who she is, other than having something to do with being in the costume end of the movie business...but I'm putting her picture up here because I really like her hair colour.
I think pink hair goes well with a red carpet. Eh?

Penelope Cruz. First thought- niiice. Second thought- yeesh, what's going on with that skirt? Not crazy about it. But I still think she's unfairly pretty.
I would just like you all to know that her bum was padded for her role in Volver. When I do MY Red Carpet Thing Some Day, I will not need bum padding.

Will Smith and family- awwww. So cute.
Jada looks gorgeous and Will is letting his hair go silvery, lord help me, he is a good fine lookin fella!!!

Nicole Kidman is very tall and thin. She wore a tall, thin red dress.
It had a thing on the shoulder. I don't get it. Plus I'm kind of burned that we only got one glimpse of Greasy Keith sitting beside her during the show. I like Greasy Keith. He's need of a good scrubbin.

Look! It's special edition Beyonce Barbie! Darn she's pretty.

Look at little Abigail Breslin. She's 10 and she has been allowed to dress like a 10 year old. Next year she'll likely hate this dress, so it's nice that she got to wear it now!

Robert Downey Jr. I just like him. Look at the silver in his hair and beard! Hot stuff. This is for my friend Zedlie who came down the street to watch the Oscars with me.

Faye Dunaway! What the heck are you doing? Don't you know who you are?

I mean, high marks for crazy, yes...but why not go all the way crazy and make that dress bright pink or neon green? All or nothing baby. You're Faye Dunaway!!!

Eddie Murphy. You slick, slick man.

Clive Owen. He's English.

Sacha Baron Cohen is actually somewhat good looking when he's not Borat.
And his girlfriend is adorable but I'm afraid her boobs don't have enough breathing room. Or maybe too much room. They look rather precarious. But she is lovely.

The show opened with a montage of nominees in their normal-people costumes talking about getting the nomination. I liked that. For all of its Star Power, the Oscars do a good job of honouring the behind the scenes people who make it all happen. I actually am a big fan of all the Behind The Scenes People Who Make Showbiz Happen!

Ellen DeGeneres is so cute and funny, and non-offensive.
She had a nice collection of tuxedos for the evening and always looked nice. It was all very nice and went well with the boring. Isn't she cute though???

Hey, look at these guys! They brought the funny back! Now don't you think Jack Black would be a lot of fun to work with?

It was montage fever last night. I liked the writer's montage, of course, but it got a little silly. Apparently it's true: Everybody needs a montage. Things get better in a montage. Next!

Other highlights of the show included a sound effects choir-- I almost clamped my hand over Jethro's mouth when he got into the improbability of the performance being live-- and a troup of freaky silhouette dancers.

Did you catch the Beyonce/ Jennifer Hudson Diva Showdown? Wow. My ears are roasted.
That was heavy. Seriously. Neither one of them would be upstaged.

Celine Dion did a little thing. Jethro said there were maybe three notes in the whole song that weren't absolutely perfect. I couldn't stop thinking about Celine's eyebrows.
Remember when she had eyebrows? Maybe you have to be Canadian to remember them days. Right now I'm taking up the cause for giant overgrown Canadian eyebrows.

Melissa Etheridge looked healthy and won an Oscar for her song from An Inconvenient Truth.
I think she looked great. I'm not crazy about Tammy's dress though. It makes her look kind of old and she's not.

I'm going to predict that Leonardo DiCaprio is the next Jack Nicholson.

Seriously, I can't get over it- he's got the widow's peak, the steely eyes, the coolness.

But speaking of Jaaaack.... I'm rather concerned about him. He was there, of course, because it wouldn't be the same without him. There he was, up at the front, laughing his big mouthed laugh, dark shades in place, sharp toothed grin at the ready. But he's bald. Okay. Maybe it's for a role. Maybe he got sick of slickin it back for the last thirty years. But no; he's puffy. Not overweight, no, he's puffy. And he's pale. He doesn't look well. As the night wore on he still held court and did the grin every time the camera pointed his way, but then he presented an award with Diane Keaton- who I must add, did not have her top buttoned up to her chin. Whoo hoo!

Jack's raspy drawl was intact, but barely. He sounded like there wasn't enough wind behind his voice. His pal Diane was way too giggly and breezy and la dee dah about it.

I was rootin for Peter O'Toole to win. I don't know why, other than eight nominations must mean he's pretty good.
However, Forest Whitaker's acceptance speech was well done.
He remembered watching movies at the drive in, he thanked his ancestors and the people of Uganda.

Then Martin Scorsese won Best Director. Whew.
Imagine how silly Coppola, Lucas and Spielberg would have felt standing up there giving the Oscar to somebody who wasn't Marty.

So, it was boring, it was too long, and I can't even remember anymore who got Best Picture. It was way past my bedtime by then. But I have a list of movies I want to catch up on, which is the intended result of this exercise: creating interest and ultimately revenue! Most of all I have ideas for My Turn On The Red Carpet Some Day. I'm still thinking a nice plaid flannel evening gown would do it. And boots. And an article of clothing with Johnny Depp all over it. I'll let you know how it all works out...

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