2009 Academy Awards!

Alright kids, I've got 2 hours and 55 minutes worth of lean mean Oscar machine to cover here, so hang on tight and let's go!!

The first person I saw when I turned on my TV was Kate Winslet.  And the first thing I said was, "Oh, I don't like her hair like that."  I do like her dress.  It's interesting and shiny, BUT may I remind us all that this is KATE WINSLET who has a stunning figure, and this dress does not do her justice!  She just looks kind of severe, and I don't think of her that way.  

Well anyways, she's lovely and **SPOILER ALERT** hahaha, I'm going to tell you how the show ended!  She's your Best Actress.  Have you seen The Reader?  Neither have I.  Neither has Hugh Jackman.  

Josh Brolin, Supporting Actor nominee, looked just right, in my opinion.  Maybe it's my belief that a guy in a beard is trustworthy.  Maybe it's because he's just a naturally handsome fella. Maybe it's because Diane Lane is a class act and they look so happy together.  

Then I got an eyeful of The Cyrus Kid in her horrid, ugly, crusty dress.  Look, I may think she has the voice of a 40 year old rock radio DJ with a 30 year pack a day habit, but The Cyrus Kid is cute, and why, WHY would anybody wrap up 16 years worth of cute in 70 lbs of UGLY?  

I got a good laugh out of her though.  She said, in her charming accent, "Ayngelina is, lahk, mah favret person of ahl tahm" which made me think she hasn't done enough reading yet in her life. Nothing against Angelina.  I like her too.  But of all time, Miley.  Of all time.  That's like, a long time ago and stuff.  I wondered aloud why the heck The Cyrus Kid was even there.  My Hick Kid reminded me that she provided the voice for an animated movie that I disregarded cuz I thought it looked kinda lame.  Later I read that Miley wishes Angelina would adopt her.  Careful what you wish for: there are a lot of diapers and baby puke in Angelina's house!

Speaking of Angelina...

She looks like she might have gained 2 lbs, so that's good.  It means Brad is feeding her well. Good for you, Brad.  You better be letting her take naps too.  

I'm going to say it: she is stunning.  I was kinda disappointed that she wore a severe black dress (even though she's awesome in black... it's been nice to see her in colours lately!) but I really like the unexpected emerald earrings and ring.  She was the flash of bright green among all the diamonds; she is different, which is why I like her.  

And Brad.  Darnit Bad Brad, you make it very hard for me to stay mad at you.  

I know he's been cultivating that very strange eyebrows-up-skeevy-character-with-a-mustache look, but... come on.  He has that lovely little goatee with a bit of silver in it.  And those dimples. Sigh.

I swooned audibly when Robert Downey Jr showed up. RDJ!  He looks like a million bucks!

He referred to his wife, producer Susan Levin, as "my date for the rest of this incarnation."  Only he said it in his usual halting, slightly distracted yet deeply intense kind of way.

Mickey Rourke showed up lookin' all Mickey Rourke about things.  I'm really getting an affection for this guy.  He's got that Johnny Depp-like way of dressing how he likes and not caring how everybody else looks.  

His ancient little dog died six days ago.  Oh, Loki.  He'd been carrying her around everywhere he went for the last couple of months.  He wore her picture around his neck. If you don't love him for that, you have no heart.

But then.  Zac Efron actually had me in fits of anger.  Yes, anger.  That, on his head, is a GREASY COMB-OVER!!  

Kid, don't you know that NOBODY can get away with this?  I just - I mean, you can't -- like this is just- aaarrggghhhh.  These frickin kids today!  Grr. 

Here, have some brain bleach.  Replace that awful image with this:

These two gorgeous ladies are Viola Davis and Taraji P Henson. 

They were in the Best Supporting category together.  Don't they look beautiful?  (Although I suspect that Viola's gold dress, which is super flattering on her, might be made of some disgusting plasticky fabric.)  This is such a great picture; one of the images I want to remember when I think of the 2009 Oscars.

Marisa Tomei's dress was an amazing piece of sculpture.   And, it fit!

I'm not usually a fan of muted neutrals but I thought she looked very elegant.

Before the actual show got started, we heard the production designers discuss what they were going for.  I believe the phrase "Magical Sense of Occasion"  got thrown out there.  Well.  As it turns out, we couldn't get the sound to go through all these speakers that Jethro wired up... something about HD broadcast and needing to have a working tuner in the stereo VCR-TV-DVD-XYJK mess, while all I know is that if you turn the bug antennas the right way the screen is clear.  This is the price I pay for being cheap.  What?  Cable is a waste of money... I only watch one channel at a time.  Geez.

Finally the crystal curtains parted- yes, curtains made of Swarovski crystals, imported from Swarovskovia, haha- and there he was- HUGH JACKMAN!

The Wolverine!  The Sexiest Man Alive!  He acts!  He sings!  He dances! He hosts!  

I thought his opening act was genius.  His whole thing was about the old economic downturn, the recession, the hitting of the skids.  He claimed that the budget really got cut, so he spent the weekend in his garage making props for his song and dance.  He acted out all the best Picture nominees.  My favourite was his impression of the Reader.  It was a confusing interpretive dance explaining that he...

 didn't see The Reader, 

he went to the theatre, 

but it was a very long line, 

people seeing Iron Man a second time...



You could tell he actually SANG because he was a little breathy. Yay! Let's hear if for imperfection!  Let's hear it for real life performances!

I can't remember why, now, but Anne Hathaway was up on stage with him as part of the number. I just remember thinking, "she's a good sport."

I thought she looked great. She has finally grown into her big eyes. Lovely.

This year, for the Actor presentations, five former winners came out and spoke briefly about each nominee. It was cool. And probably really embarrassing for the nominees!

Penelope Cruz held her little gold man and said something I scribbled on paper, as best as I could remember it:

Art in all its forms is our universal language, and must be protected.


That is so perfect.  Please remember that.  Thank you, Penelope.  (I read somewhere that she's wearing a 60 year old dress.  I think that is so cool!)

Tina Fey and Steve Martin presented the Screenplay Oscars. They are funny on their own, but together they're killer.  They went on a one-upping contest that ended with:

"Don't... fall in love with me!" 

Ha! Too late!

Suddenly I want to write a movie.  Winner Dustin Lance Black, for the Original Screenplay "Milk" gave a very moving and personal acceptance speech.  I cheered.

Simon Beaufoy, winner of Adapted Screenplay for "Slumdog Millionaire" thanked the author of the novel "Q&A" which the movie was based on.  I cheered again.

Jennifer Aniston and Jack Black presented the Animation Awards.  I didn't get that pair-up.  And you know I love Jack Black.  He ROCKS.  AWKWARDLY.  

Now here's the thing.  I didn't like Jennifer's dress.  There's nothing awfully offensive about it, but it makes her look sort of... average.  That's just wrong.  She has one of the best bodies in this business.  She is physically perfect.  This boring dress does not do her justice at all.

But her boyfriend is cute.  Does anybody else thinks it's stupidly hot that he's almost a decade younger that she is?  And he looks so grown up even.  

This picture on the right is now officially my favourite Jennifer Aniston picture.  THAT is cute!

I can't get over how... lucid John Mayer looks! He doesn't look stoned at all!

Speaking of which...My daughter had a little giggly moment when Robert Pattinson showed up to introduce a little Romance 2008 montage - gotta have a montage - which featured lots of good looking people, some man-kiss, and finally two adorable robots that made us all go, awwww!

Pattinson made me giggle too!  Not just because he's a handsome little devil with those cat eyes of his... but because he always looks at least halfway hammered!  I don't know what it is about him and cameras, but his eyes look slightly crossed and somehow he's always got his mouth going sideways.  I have the same problem.  

The next moment of awesome-funny came from Ben Stiller playing Joachin Phoenix, with Natalie Portman in the role of Straight-man.  

It was... perfect.  And that pink dress is lovely.  Too bad you can't see the wad of rejected chewing gum on the podium.  

As if that wasn't enough, we got treated to a "Pineapple Express" thing that had us all laughing -yes, laughing at the Oscars!  

Seth Rogen and James Franco filmed a sketch where they flop out on the couch to watch some movies.  They think "The Love Guru" is "Slumdog Millionaire."  They want to turn an Oscar into a bong.  They laugh at all the serious Academy favourites.  Best?  James Franco plays a stoner watching James Franco play a gay guy kissing another guy.  Did your head just explode?  

Sadly, things took a downturn with the big song and dance number, featuring broadway darling/ Oscar host Jackman, and Beyonce, who must be on some kind of contract to show up at every awards show, ever.  Don't get me wrong, she's amazing, but I burned out here.  The musical is back, apparently, but I didn't know it ever went away.  Maybe I just watch too many awards shows.  

The Best Supporting Actor award was presented by five previous winners again.  Nominee Philip Seymour Hoffman sat there in the audience wearing a toque.

Ya hoser!  Yer wearin a toque with yer tux, eh?  Take off!  Wait, he's not Canadian, is he?  Oh, is he a skateboard kid?  No?  Member of a NuMetal band? No?  Geez man, a toque?  For real?  

You know who was in this category.  Heath Ledger won for his Joker.  I felt it was well deserved, and I also need to say that his father, mother and sister are a classy bunch of people.  Their acceptance speech was honest and appreciative.  I can't imagine how painful it had to be for them to accept that award for him.  

I actually shed a medicated tear. I was amazed when I realized that my eyes were wet.  The camera showing all those actors sitting in the audience choking down their own tears was enough to trigger it. That's an intensely emotional moment.  Anybody who got through that without tears was either asleep or stone hearted.  

The documentary category was interesting.  The winner for Short Documentary, Megan Mylan, announced that she feels lucky to be able to tell these stories.  Wonderful.  The feature Doc award went to "Man On Wire".  The tightrope man himself, Phillippe Petit, did a few little magic tricks to liven things up.  Yeah, sometimes you need a little crazy Frenshman.

Before the Sounding Editing and Mixing awards, we were treated to a rockin' action movie montage.  You know, to keep the young folks interested and all.  I am so pleased that the editors and mixers and cinematographers get televised awards.  Jethro, a guy who will likely never be handed an award on TV, disagreed.  He says the show's too long.  Man, I would have been in ecstatic hysterics if he'd gotten his Juno on TV.  He of course would have been paralyzed by embarrassment.  Oh well.

I didn't like the Memorial part this year.  They had Queen Latifah singing on the stage while the pictures and dates flashed on the screen.  It was distracting, hard to see, and unfair to her and the dearly departed.  I dont' think the audience should be allowed to clap either.  It should be respectful.  

So Jerry Lewis was given a Humanitarian Award, and bless him, he came out, did a short and sweet speech, and was a perfect gentleman.  Good to see him!

By this time, it was clear that "Slumdog Millionaire" is the little movie that rocks the world.  I haven't seen it but have heard that it's an excellent movie, gritty but ultimately hopeful - my favourite combination! - and ends with a big splashy Bollywood dance number.  Director Danny Boyle's grin got bigger and bigger as the evening went on.  When he got his Best Director Oscar I thought he was gonna explode.  He just jumped up and down and talked to his kids.  It was awesome.

 

To top it off, euphoric Kate Winslet, Oscar in hand, thanked her parents who were somewhere in the audience.  "Dad, whistle or something so I know where you are!"

And he did, sharply!

Sean Penn is your Best Actor.  You know, I think he's mellowed.

He's gonna be quoted for a long time, affectionately calling the Academy "commie homo-lovin sons o' guns."  Then to top it off admitted, "I do know how hard I make it to appreciate me, often."

He also talked about human rights for everybody.  I gotta agree with that.  

So people, have you seen "Slumdog Millionaire" yet?  I think we better.  

When this movie got Best Picture, the stage was full, and it was full of smiles.  

Look at these kids!  Aren't they gorgeous and wonderful?  This is something they'll remember for a long time. 

Dev Patel and Frieda Pinto were glowing and seemed so pleased to be there.  

This is one of my favourite dresses of the whole show.

In contrast, I did feel let down by some of the other actresses.  I hopd Meryl Streep would show up in something frothy accessorized with giant necklaces, just because she's Meryl Streep and can do pretty much anything she wants. 

She looked beautiful, so my disappointment had to settle down.

On the other hand, Tilda Swinton was just such a let down.  She was... beige.  It's just wrong.  She should never be bland!  She looks like a freaky androgynous extra terrestrial David Bowie obsessed zen master.  I want the orange hair and sparkly rubber!  And is that... lipstick?  Oh no, it's just not right.

I hope she gets nominated next year so we get another chance at some Tilda Swinton wackiness.  I mean, we can never hope for genius like The Bjork Swan Dress ever again, but we just have to have that glimmer of hope.  

That's where I'd like to leave you, because HOPE  felt like a big message at this year's Oscar.  

What do we need to tell stories to masses of people?  A script, a story, hard work and talent; according to "Slumdog" producer Christian Colson, passion and belief.  

Say it, Hugh:

"Keep on making movies, and keep on watching them!"