THE "JOHNNY DEPP MADE A MOVIE AND I DIDN'T SEE IT" AWARD
I know, you're wondering what the heck is wrong with me. I have excuses! Nobody would go with me. Jethro had to work all summer. I spent all my movie money on feeding the two teenagers. It'll take 15 minutes in a snowstorm to get to the video store. Life is hard, man. Sorry Johnny.
THE "HUMANS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO HAVE LITTERS" AWARD
Those aren't babies those are kittens. Geez. You know, where I come from it wasn't unusual to have 14 kids. It's just that they came in pairs at the most, rarely triplets, and mostly one at a time. Greedy here had to have eight at one time. Eight. I know dogs and pigs who've had eight babies at once. Oh and also, women who had 14 children didn't often have time to dye their hair black or fix their eyebrows or get their lips plumped. (Nevermind that these women wore cape dresses and coverings okay? They probably wouldn't have taken time to tart up anyways.)
THE "NO SERIOUSLY MAKE HIM STOP NOW" AWARD
Can anybody stop him? Does anybody know if he plans these acts of stupidity or if it's a publicity stunt? Can we give him a curfew or something? Detention? Grounding? Time out chair?
THE "STOP LOOKIN' SO GOOD NO PLEASE CONTINUE" AWARD
Jacob the werewolf
Dude, this is like, not right. I mean, it's really way too right, but... I mean it's just not legal. I feel so dirty. But not. My 15 year old daughter was really amused that little gasping noises kept coming out of me in the movie theatre every time the shirt came off. In my defense, I wasn't making noises intentionally, it was just the rush of air as my jaw hit my knees. I mean, this ain't right.
I feel like I should apologize to his mother for gawking at her boy like that.
I loved this scene. After a stupid stunt resulting in stupid Bella ending up in the cold ocean, our warm werewolf friend says, "It's 108 degrees over here."
I can tell you right now, Jethro may not be a werewolf but he's pretty hot. Snuggle up, girl, now while you still can. I'll vouch for a warm dude any day. Who else is going to warm your feet on a winter night? Huh? See? And make you giggle while he's at it? Not Mr Cold Controlling, am I right? These are the valuable lessons I impart to my kid when we see cheesy teen chick flicks together. It's worth it.
But I'm just saying, as much as it's nice for a mother and daughter to agree on something, he's just way too young to look that good. And on that, my daughter disagrees with me...
THE "MOVIE BETTER THAN THE BOOK" AWARD
I wasn't a fan of Edward the Vampire when I read the books. I thought he was controlling and overprotective and blah blah blah. But I like him now...
Wacky waxy hair and all. Ooo those pretty eyes and lips, and that manly jaw. Even if he often looks like he's under the influence of something stronger than a stiff drink or a long nap. Or both.
Movie Edward kicks the backside of Book Edward because of Pattinson. Nuff said.
He's so much better looking in real life, without all the white paint on him.
Well there's really nothing like lounging in the long grass, scowling theatrically into the breeze.
This counts as a plaid coat. I do love a man in plaid.
As much as I liked this character better in movie form, I still find this guy puzzling. How can he be so good looking and yet give me such a hard time finding good pictures of him???
THE "BACK FROM THE DEAD" AWARD
They never let me down.
THE "YOU KEEP ON ROCKIN LIKE YOU DO" AWARD
Iron Maiden. They don't need to write anything new, because they still rock. Also this is the only album of theirs without a cover that scares the jeepers outta me.
THE "MANSCARA AND GUYLINER" AWARD
THE PACK RAT AWARD
So it turns out ol Nic here has some debt problems.
To get out of debt, he might have to sell his island, or his rare venomous snake (with antidote) or his rhinestone encrusted helicopter, shrunken head collection, ice sculpture museum, and maybe even the strawberry plantation. However, he will be keeping his pterodactyl farm.
Dude I'm kidding. He doesn't have any of that stuff. I don't think. Anyways, my kids want to help him out by going to see some wack-ass movie he's in coming up, in which he gets to wear a straggly wig. Oh goody, a wig movie! They just want to make sure things are on the up so Nic can make another National Treasure. My kids need a good laugh regularly.
Speaking of which...
THE "BEST TV COMEDY, INTENTIONAL OR NOT" AWARD
...thanks to the comedic genius that is Horatio Caine. (It is supposed to be funny, right?)
We've got a whole repertoire of Shade Swipes and Jacket Sweeps, not to mention Mysterious Mumblings and Pithy Puns. Oh H, you are a wellspring of imitation worthy quirkiness! And they have a lot of montages on this show. (To show it all would take too long. That's why you need a montage.)
THE "THANKFULLY MY KIDS AREN'T FANS" AWARD
the Cyrus Kid
Who approved this???? Who thought this was a good idea??? Honestly, for real? What I really love is the face on the girl to the right. Yep. I agree.
THE "PLEASE STAY REAL" AWARD
the Swift Kid
THE "KINDA JEALOUS" AWARD
the Na'vi from Avatar. They have tails. Haven't you ever wanted a tail??
Although I can't say I'd like wearing a loin cloth. Looks so cumbersome. But the feathers in the hair... I'd do that right now.
THE "WEIRD BEARD" AWARD
Admit it, as far as billygoat goatees go, this is magnificent. Totally skeevy, yes, but awesome at the same time. Bonus points for not using Just For Men on it.
Them beads are nice, Bad Brad. Goes with the squint. I think he's letting his inner Eastwood out. It must get tiring to be so pretty. I mean, everybody's squawking about how much the beard is hated, which is reason enough for me to say, Brad, beard it up, man. (Just make sure you scrub that varmint on your face real good.)
THE END OF A FAIRY DUST SPARKLING ERA AWARD
Paula Abdul announced that she would not be on American Idol anymore. What???? Who's gonna tell those kids that they are beautiful like all the flowers of the sky???
Ellen is funny, and I know she'll be great, but come on. Is Ellen gonna bring the unicorn dust? I don't think so. Ellen does not rule Unicornland and therefore does not have the unicorn dust. THERE WILL BE NO UNICORN DUST, PEOPLE. And that is a damn shame. It just won't be the same without Pawler.
THE "TOTAL PACKAGE OF SUPER WEIRDNESS" AWARD
I could not discuss the Year Of Weird without Lady Gaga. She was ubiquitous. And weird.
This was the least hideous picture I could find. You know what the worst part is? I kind of like her. I mean, she scares me, but she's so imaginative. Who else thought of wearing a giant frisbee made out of fake hair on her head? No you can't see a picture. I just can't bear the thought of going through pages and pages of images to find it. I am too weak. I can't go on. It would take days to discuss all the ridiculous looks this chick has worn. Also I can't find a pic of that time she wore a gyrating metal rings of Saturn type thing and I'm so frustrated I am dizzy. Sometimes when I'm forking horse manure into the wheelbarrow I can't get "Bad Romance" out of my head -- and I like it. I think it makes me fling it better. All those little horse poops just plop into place while I'm going "Ga ga oo la la, ro ma ro ma ma, ro ro ro ro mayance...." It's maddening, I tell you. I'm not proud, just honest.
THE "SAY IT ISN'T SO" AWARD
Oprah. Does this mean I've missed out on her book club?????
THE "ENTERTAINER OF THE DECADE" AWARD
Hey, I didn't make that one up, honest.
Can I just say, I love how this guy dresses? It's a look that says, "I care, but I don't care enough to really care" and that's just so cool. It's like he's purposely screwing with the unwritten laws of formal wear. Way to go Johnny! Stick it to The Man!
Let's give him the "SCREWING THE LAWS OF FORMAL WEAR" AWARD!!
Well kids, I'm spent. Reliving a year in entertainment can be hard work. I gotta go lie down for a while. Feel free to discuss your picks for best and worst... and remember, we never know what 2010 will do to top 2009!