Best & Worst of 2009: the Hick Chic awards!

Can we just say that 2009 was The Year of Weird?  Even I thought things got stoopid this year.  Just ridiculous.

THE "JOHNNY DEPP MADE A MOVIE AND I DIDN'T SEE IT" AWARD

Me.

I know, you're wondering what the heck is wrong with me.  I have excuses!  Nobody would go with me.  Jethro had to work all summer.  I spent all my movie money on feeding the two teenagers.  It'll take 15 minutes in a snowstorm to get to the video store.  Life is hard, man.  Sorry Johnny.



THE "HUMANS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO HAVE LITTERS" AWARD

Those aren't babies those are kittens.  Geez.  You know, where I come from it wasn't unusual to have 14 kids.  It's just that they came in pairs at the most, rarely triplets, and mostly one at a time.  Greedy here had to have eight at one time.  Eight.  I know dogs and pigs who've had eight babies at once.  Oh and also, women who had 14 children didn't often have time to dye their hair black or fix their eyebrows or get their lips plumped.  (Nevermind that these women wore cape dresses and coverings okay?  They probably wouldn't have taken time to tart up anyways.)



THE "NO SERIOUSLY MAKE HIM STOP NOW" AWARD

Can anybody stop him?  Does anybody know if he plans these acts of stupidity or if it's a publicity stunt?  Can we give him a curfew or something?  Detention?  Grounding?  Time out chair?



THE "STOP LOOKIN' SO GOOD NO PLEASE CONTINUE" AWARD

Jacob the werewolf

Dude, this is like, not right.  I mean, it's really way too right, but... I mean it's just not legal.  I feel so dirty.  But not.  My 15 year old daughter was really amused that little gasping noises kept coming out of me in the movie theatre every time the shirt came off.  In my defense, I wasn't making noises intentionally, it was just the rush of air as my jaw hit my knees.  I mean, this ain't right.

I feel like I should apologize to his mother for gawking at her boy like that.

I loved this scene.  After a stupid stunt resulting in stupid Bella ending up in the cold ocean, our warm werewolf friend says, "It's 108 degrees over here."

  I can tell you right now, Jethro may not be a werewolf but he's pretty hot.  Snuggle up, girl, now while you still can.  I'll vouch for a warm dude any day.  Who else is going to warm your feet on a winter night?  Huh?  See?  And make you giggle while he's at it?  Not Mr Cold Controlling, am I right?  These are the valuable lessons I impart to my kid when we see cheesy teen chick flicks together.  It's worth it.

But I'm just saying, as much as it's nice for a mother and daughter to agree on something, he's just way too young to look that good.  And on that, my daughter disagrees with me...

THE "MOVIE BETTER THAN THE BOOK" AWARD

Robert Pattinson

I wasn't a fan of Edward the Vampire when I read the books.  I thought he was controlling and overprotective and blah blah blah.  But I like him now...

Wacky waxy hair and all.  Ooo those pretty eyes and lips, and that manly jaw.  Even if he often looks like he's under the influence of something stronger than a stiff drink or a long nap.  Or both.

Movie Edward kicks the backside of Book Edward because of Pattinson.  Nuff said.

                                    

He's so much better looking in real life, without all the white paint on him.

                                   

Well there's really nothing like lounging in the long grass, scowling theatrically into the breeze.

                             

This counts as a plaid coat.  I do love a man in plaid.

                                       

As much as I liked this character better in movie form, I still find this guy puzzling.  How can he be so good looking and yet give me such a hard time finding good pictures of him???

THE "BACK FROM THE DEAD" AWARD

Spinal Tap

They never let me down.


THE "YOU KEEP ON ROCKIN LIKE YOU DO" AWARD

Iron Maiden.  They don't need to write anything new, because they still rock.  Also this is the only album of theirs without a cover that scares the jeepers outta me.


THE "MANSCARA AND GUYLINER" AWARD

Adam Lambert

A gay dude with killer pipes almost wins American Idol, reinforcing my bizarre affection for glammy rock stars.

Then he did some rude things on TV which may or may not have been planned or unplanned but either way I think that'll learn 'im up real good.  It's okay.  If his rock star career doesn't work out he can play the front man when that novel I'm working on gets made into a movie, right?  Sure.


THE PACK RAT AWARD

Nicolas Cage

So it turns out ol Nic here has some debt problems.

(Around here, you have to hold your mouth in the same way as in the above photo when you say his name.  Try it.  It totally sounds like him. )

To get out of debt, he might have to sell his island, or his rare venomous snake (with antidote) or his rhinestone encrusted helicopter, shrunken head collection, ice sculpture museum, and maybe even the strawberry plantation.  However, he will be keeping his pterodactyl farm.

Dude I'm kidding.  He doesn't have any of that stuff.  I don't think.  Anyways, my kids want to help him out by going to see some wack-ass movie he's in coming up, in which he gets to wear a straggly wig. Oh goody, a wig movie! They just want to make sure things are on the up so Nic can make another National Treasure.  My kids need a good laugh regularly.

Speaking of which...

THE "BEST TV COMEDY, INTENTIONAL OR NOT" AWARD

CSI Miami

 ...thanks to the comedic genius that is Horatio Caine.  (It is supposed to be funny, right?)

We've got a whole repertoire of Shade Swipes and Jacket Sweeps, not to mention Mysterious Mumblings and Pithy Puns.  Oh H, you are a wellspring of imitation worthy quirkiness!  And they have a lot of montages on this show.  (To show it all would take too long. That's why you need a montage.)



THE "THANKFULLY MY KIDS AREN'T FANS" AWARD

the Cyrus Kid

Who approved this????  Who thought this was a good idea??? Honestly, for real?  What I really love is the face on the girl to the right.  Yep.  I agree.


THE "PLEASE STAY REAL" AWARD

the Swift Kid

Please, don't get into drugs or develop a drinking problem or go out with anybody who used to be in Bon Jovi.  Please don't strip on stage.  Do not hang around with anybody whose name rhymes with Garish Stilton.  Don't drive over people's feet.  Don't go to fashion shows wearing nothing but a tube top and ripped pantyhose.  That's about it.  Thanks.



THE "KINDA JEALOUS" AWARD

the Na'vi from Avatar.  They have tails.  Haven't you ever wanted a tail??

Although I can't say I'd like wearing a loin cloth.  Looks so cumbersome.  But the feathers in the hair... I'd do that right now.

Also she has cat eyes and a cat nose and sort of cat-like ears, and I bet she will never gain weight around her belly, plus she can tell her horse-critter what to do by twisting the end of her braid around the critter's antenna or whatever it is, and man, my life would be so much easier if my hair could do that.


THE "WEIRD BEARD" AWARD

Brad Pitt

Admit it, as far as billygoat goatees go, this is magnificent.  Totally skeevy, yes, but awesome at the same time. Bonus points for not using Just For Men on it.

Them beads are nice, Bad Brad.  Goes with the squint.  I think he's letting his inner Eastwood out.  It must get tiring to be so pretty.  I mean, everybody's squawking about how much the beard is hated, which is reason enough for me to say, Brad, beard it up, man.  (Just make sure you scrub that varmint on your face real good.)

THE END OF A FAIRY DUST SPARKLING ERA AWARD

Paula Abdul announced that she would not be on American Idol anymore.  What????  Who's gonna tell those kids that they are beautiful like all the flowers of the sky???

Ellen is funny, and I know she'll be great, but come on.  Is Ellen gonna bring the unicorn dust?  I don't think so.  Ellen does not rule Unicornland and therefore does not have the unicorn dust.  THERE WILL BE NO UNICORN DUST, PEOPLE.  And that is a damn shame. It just won't be the same without Pawler.

THE "TOTAL PACKAGE OF SUPER WEIRDNESS" AWARD

I could not discuss the Year Of Weird without Lady Gaga.  She was ubiquitous.  And weird.

This was the least hideous picture I could find.  You know what the worst part is?  I kind of like her.  I mean, she scares me, but she's so imaginative.  Who else thought of wearing a giant frisbee made out of fake hair on her head?  No you can't see a picture.  I just can't bear the thought of going through pages and pages of images to find it.  I am too weak.  I can't go on.  It would take days to discuss all the ridiculous looks this chick has worn.  Also I can't find a pic of that time she wore a gyrating metal rings of Saturn type thing and I'm so frustrated I am dizzy.  Sometimes when I'm forking horse manure into the wheelbarrow I can't get "Bad Romance" out of my head -- and I like it.  I think it makes me fling it better.  All those little horse poops just plop into place while I'm going "Ga ga oo la la, ro ma ro ma ma, ro ro ro ro mayance...." It's maddening, I tell you.  I'm not proud, just honest.

THE "SAY IT ISN'T SO" AWARD

Oprah.  Does this mean I've missed out on her book club?????

Darnit I was hoping all my writer friends and I could be guests on her show.  I was even practicing my couch jumping technique.  Gah.  Is Ellen thinking of starting up a book club?  Is Paula?  Anybody?

THE "ENTERTAINER OF THE DECADE" AWARD

Hey, I didn't make that one up, honest.

Can I just say, I love how this guy dresses?  It's a look that says, "I care, but I don't care enough to really care" and that's just so cool.  It's like he's purposely screwing with the unwritten laws of formal wear. Way to go Johnny!  Stick it to The Man!

Let's give him the "SCREWING THE LAWS OF FORMAL WEAR" AWARD!!

Yeahhhhh!

Well kids, I'm spent.  Reliving a year in entertainment can be hard work.  I gotta go lie down for a while.  Feel free to discuss your picks for best and worst... and remember, we never know what 2010 will do to top 2009!