2011 Academy Awards, starring the grinning Hathaway and the smirking Franco

Photos from: Celebuzz, Go Fug Yourself, and People

Yeah I know, the Academy Awards happened like, oh, a week or four months ago, but between sketchy rural internet problems, kids, horse manure and income tax season, it's taken me a long time to get it together. But you don't read these for punctuality, right? You're here for the clothes! 

So the Experts all say this was the WORST Oscars ever.  Blah blah blah.  It clocked in under three hours, had a few awkward moments, and was just bad enough to be interesting.  It was no Snow-White-Rob-Lowe disaster, you know what I mean?   

Besides, Anne Hathaway is so charming.  

And her co-host, James Franco, is so weird!  Of course in my world weird is good.  It just might not go over so well on television.

Okay it wasn't the BEST EVER.  But damn, Anne tried her best to hold things up.  

James... well he looked to me like he'd maybe taken a large amount of herbal anti-anxiety remedy.  Ha ha.  If you know what I mean.  He pretty much did the entire show in that exact position.

 Easy boy... Don't move too fast there buddy!  Just...take it...sloooooooow.  

I'm willing to cut them some slack because they are movie actors, not comedians, not live theatre performers.  

Anyways, the opening montage was funny.  But I always think it's funny.

Hey hey hey with the finger cannons!  I do think he's cute.  With the crooked smile and those little crows-feet and all.  Weird AND cute.  Hmmm.

(I'd rather forget that the gender-bending song and dance number happened.  Thanks.)  

Helena Bonham Carter didn't win an award for Best Actress so I'm giving her the Hick Chic Award For Most Consistently Awesome Favourite British Actress.  I adore her.  

She inspires me.  I totally wore my hair like that to the Junos a couple years ago.  Maybe not exactly like that.  Close.  I love it that she's carrying a fan and sunglasses. 

And I love her husband too!

 Melissa Leo will now forever be known as the Oscar Winner Who Dropped The F Bomb.  I bet she's a fun chick to hang around with.  You'd never know what would happen next. We could spend hours laughing, and debating what the heck this dress is made of.  Is it lace or is it that paper doily kind of stuff some people's Grandmas put under the cake plate?   Do I like this dress or not??  It's flattering on her? It looks itchy? Do you like it???  Her hair and make up are really natural looking and she has a pretty smile.

Kirk Douglas, all 94 years of him, presented her with the award.  "You look much prettier than you did in the movie," he told her. 

The Experts figure he was full-on senile rather than makin' a funny.  I think he knew quite well what he was doing- flirting with the redhead!

Speaking of redhead:

Amy Adams looked so elegant and pretty!  That colour with her hair and skin!  The unexpected emerald jewellery! And the dress fits!!!

But here's the thing: is it itchy?????

Because I think it looks itchy.  Like, when she puts her arms at her sides, do the sequins scratch?  I think of these things.  You know, while I am wearing overalls and swinging a muck fork.

Halle Berry was Halle Berry.

Does she even try?? She always, always looks gorgeous.  She makes it look "so f***in' easy" if we are to use the most repeated phrase of the evening.

There's her bum.

I still haven't seen True Grit.  What the heck, eh?  It's got horses in it. It's got villains and hats and swagger.  It's got a strong and determined young lady character.  It's got Jeff Bridges!

I hope we see more of young Hailee Steinfeld. She's kind of stolen my heart.  I love it that she showed up for the Oscars looking perfectly fourteen, rather than trying to look a decade or two older.  Man I hope she doesn't end up going all Britney Lindsey Spears Lohan Sheen.

She seems like a cool kid. See?  She gets to hang with THE DUDE.

You know what other movie I still haven't seen?  Inception. Oh wait - I dreamed it.  Never mind.

Anne changed into a fairytale goth princess gown.  With the hair to match.   Wasn't she cute in The Princess Diaries?  I keep forgetting she's a grown up now.

Cate Blanchett presented the award for best make up.  Here's what she said after the clip for The Wolfman: "Gross."  Then it won. That was great. 

Her dress confuses me.  I don't get it.  The Experts rated it number one in both the Best Dressed and Worst Dressed categories, so at least I'm not the only confused onlooker.  I think she is the only person in the world who could wear that and not look ridiculous.

Russell Brand brought his Mum to the red carpet.  This picture is so cute...It looks like he's saying "This is m' Mum, the woman what birthed me." And she's saying, "Bloody 'ell I'm just glad this one stayed alive, I am!"

Russell presented an award with his costar from The Tempest, Helen Mirren.

Man, I seriously can't believe I still haven't seen The Tempest.

This man is insane in the most highly functioning, adorable and eccentric English kind of way. Plus he's a snappy dresser.  This is a great suit, and I don't even like navy blue.  He's always fun to look at.

Helen Mirren: classy perfect,  Queen of the red carpet.   (see what I did there?  Geddit? the Queen?)

I love RDJ.  

That is all I have to say about that. 

Oh - James woke up! He leaned over!

False alarm. He's back in position.  Everybody relax.  

He's relaxed, that's for sure!

Well, Gwyneth Paltrow sang for us.  

Now, The Experts say she was terrible.  Okay, she wasn't spectacular, that is for sure, and came nowhere near her Grammy duet with Cee Lo.  But she sang live.  On a stage in front of about a zillion people watching the Oscars.  And the fact that she was imperfect means that she was singing live for real.  So good job, Gwynnie!!!

Also she's likely the only one who could wear that silver dress.

Except for Celine, who sang during the Memorial tribute.

You know, I think having twins was good for her!  I'm so glad she's not all bony like she was a few years ago.  And yes, she sang live.  Because she CAN.

Another lady who recently became a mother: Penelope Cruz, with her big hunk Javier.  

You know, the Experts were all, "Wow, she had a baby, like, yesterday, and look how great she looks!" Heck with that.  I'm saying, she had a baby, like, yesterday, and she's AWAKE AND DRESSED AND OUT OF THE HOUSE.  

When I first saw Jennifer Hudson on the red carpet, I said, out loud, "YEEEOW!  Jennifah!"  I think she's a pretty woman, but hot damn she looks magnificent!  What a gorgeous dress. The fit is flattering and the colour is perfect with her skin.

Of course, there was much whining about the boobage.  

What's the problem here?  She's got 'em under control.  They're all wrangled in there real good, they're not going anywhere.  She's got a grip on the situation.

The Experts hated on Jennifer Lawrence and her red dress.  The two top comparisons were Baywatch and the Farrah Fawcett poster.  

Well, okay.  I can see it.  It's not fancy, she has her hair down, etc.  But I'm cutting her some slack because A she is young and B she looks good in this and so C  I think she was right to wear this now while she still can because D gravity gets us all some day!!!

On the other end of the spectrum, Experts generally liked Mila Kunis.

  How could the Experts disagree on such a beautiful look?

Apparently Justin Timberlake is also an Expert. 

Alright, GIRL CRUSH.  Scarlett Johansen.

Unfair?  Man, she's got it going on.  I loooove this dress!  It's purple!  And another purple!  And lace!  And another lace! 

Oh I do love Scarlett, if for no other reason than she is representing the booty.  

Hey- time for another outfit change!  

Oooh, Shiny!

Sandra Bullock, classy, gorgeous and 100% Dirtbag-free...

...presented the Best Actor award to Colin Firth.  He is lovely isn't he?  So likeable.  

I seriously can't believe I still haven't seen The King's Speech!

Natalie Portman had an awesome evening.  Best Actress plus walking around while six months pregnant, wearing a beautiful dress and high heels!  I'm impressed. When I was at that point I was lucky if I even got vertical.  

Oh my gosh - she really is glowing!

This is one of my favourite dresses of the evening.

Wait, wait, there's more!  Don't go yet!  Anne's got a new dress on and James... James?  Hey Franco, put down your *&%#  gadget! 

Quit gadgetting and just stand there looking cute and slightly baked.

Not sure why Liv Tyler and her dad were there, other than her part in a hugely successful trilogy, and him being STEVEN TYLER.  

He's so great on The Steven Tyler Show.

Well, Anne got into a really cool dress with metallic fringes, which made me squeal in delighted envy. She gave it a good shake.  I thought that was fun.  Maybe the Experts would have liked the whle show better if she'd done more metallic-fringy-dress shakes.   

James firmly planted his feet on the stage, clasped his hands and smirked sideways. 

No shock, The King's Speech won Best Picture.  

That would be the Movie I Haven't See Yet Darnit.

So yep, that's it that's all.  We're done.

The Famous go out partying... and we go hit the sack.

G'night Folks!

Grammy 2011 - It's like a national holiday at our place.

pictures from Go Fug Yourself, Celebuzz, and Rolling Stone.com

Oh man, there was a whole load of crazy at the Grammy's this year!  Of course there was the mandatory lameness factor, but I was quite satisfied with the amount of extreme attention grabbing and posing and...oh yes.  Music performing.  And the distribution of small gramophones.  (get it?  Gramophone, Grammy?)

The show started off with a tribute to The Queen Of Soul.  The Queen.  The Living Legend.

ARETHA

She was unable to attend the show, but gave a video message.  AND THIS IS HOW SHE DRESSED UP TO ADDRESS HER ADORING AUDIENCE!  This, people, is just one reason why she is still The Queen. She hadn't been well last fall and I think she's looking pretty darn good.

And of course any tribute to Aretha requires a massive Diva-a-thon.  Aaaaand that's what we got.

Yolanda Adams, Martina McBride, Christina Aguilera, Jennifer Hudson, and Florence Welch.

Yolanda  - fantastic. What a range!  Martina -  flawless.  Jennifer - full on Aretha mode.  She's so pretty but I hated her dress.  Florence - big voice for a skinny white girl. 

Xtina kind of worried me.  A little,  I mean, it was just really... a lot.  

See Martina and Jennifer? That's how I felt too.

Her eyelashes were visible from about 100 ft away.  She was like Diva Barbie.  It's like she's becoming a caricature of herself and that's not cool.  

Anyways it was a giant wail-off but there's still only one Aretha.

And luckily there's only one Gaga because I don't think we could handle any more.

She showed up on the red carpet inside an egg.  I think it was more like a larva. 

"Can you see me?  I'm trapped inside a giant larva and I can't hatch by myself!  Hellllp meee!"

She did hatch eventually, on stage.  

You know what I really, really wish would have happened?  I wish she would have gotten her leg caught in it, like when Derek Smalls finally got out of his pod only to realize that David and Nigel had gotten back into theirs, then tried to get back in and got his arm stuck in the pod as it closed, and then raised his other fist in a compensatory rock and roll salute.  

So you know, cool and all, imaginative etc but for me really a bit of a let down.

(Once you've seen This Is Spinal Tap five times, everything else is a bit of a let down.)

I have no idea what the stupid hat was all about.  She's got great abs though.  

Which all went to hell as soon as I noticed the shoulders. Ew.

Glue on shoulders?  Really?  Windmilling with the fake ponytail was fun though.  It was actually a very high energy performance.  I didn't get it but it was good!  I think.

I've included this picture because I want to show the round bum cheeks.  The heck...?  I wonder... would that be comfortable or not?  Is this what she'd wear on a date with Darth Vader?  Who's the dude and why is she clutching him so tightly?  

Well I totally lost interest because the next performance was by an extremely cool band called MUSE.  I've been digging this band for a few years but wasn't aware how huge they are in countries that aren't Canada.  My daughter is currently obsessed with Muse.  I'm not exaggerating here.  She has them on her iPod and has those earbuds plugged in every chance she gets.  She bought the Muse songbook (for piano guitar and vocal... she's playing her violin to it.  Of course.) She spends hours going through Google images for pictures of Muse and posts lyrics on her facebook page.  

They did not disappoint.  They were awesome.

Matthew Bellamy had a double neck guitar.  It appeared to be two six strings.  I'm not really sure what that was all about... other than being haaavy!

Their set included people with flags and dramatic revolution, and like, PYRO and lights and stuff.  

YEAH!

They rock.  

And they won.  They win at rocking.

Cute little drummer Dominic Howard thanked my daughter.  Well, not by name.  He thanked THE FANS.  She is definitely a loud and active part of that group of people.  Bassist Chris Wolstenholme said nothing; we assume he's the strong silent type.  Frontman Bellamy gave a shout in his acceptance speech to his beautiful pregnant girlfriend.  You might have heard of her...Kate Hudson.

(I do believe she's glowing.)

Next up, Bruno Mars. I'd heard of this guy, but didn't know what the deal was.

Well the deal, as far as I can see, is that the kid is super talented and gosh darn adorable.  

I can't help but think he could be the next classic, like throwback-meets-future.

Cute lil Miranda Lambert sang a sweet country song, and then...the live performances took a break.  Sort of.  Up until this point I was pretty sure everybody was singing live.  I'm not the expert here - Jethro is, but he had to work that evening - I know, music biz guy can't take Grammy Night off work, but hey in this business any work is good work right? - but I heard enough slight and purely human mistakes to think it was all for real.  Plus I asked Annyong who is gifted with her daddy's freaky sense of pitch.

Anyways.  The Biebs.  I know the kid can SING.  I've heard him live. 

The beginning of The Bieber Segment was a cheesy little scene with Usher reminiscing about tiny little Justin having the guts to track him down and ask to sing for him.  I dunno... it's all true but maybe it's just that I'm not a big Usher fan.  Nothing wrong with him... he's got a cute smile... he's just not my thing, you know?  So The Biebs strummed his guitar and it looked staged but real enough.

But then things went kind of...prefab?  I'm doubtful His People allowed a live performance... I'm going to guess whoever's in charge of these things went for flash and dance instead. 

And I kind of zoned out. 

Like, dude, really?

All that talent and this is what we're doing with it?  Kid opens his mouth and it's like hearing angels, people, angels for crying out loud, and we get faux-street clothes and stoopid shades and those ridiculous headset face microphones that I dislike strongly.  

Then cute-little-Jaden-Smith trotted out to do a Tough Cool Guy Smugness Routine with The Biebs and wow, I must be a black hearted meanie because I just did not dig this at all.  

I mean, I'm a basically nice person, I like kittens and puppies and everything, but this... don't like it.  

The good news is, the swirly hairdo is gone.  The kid has eyebrows!  Grandmothers everywhere are relieved.  

Biebs did NOT win Best New Artist.  

Esperanza Spalding did.  From what I've heard, she totally deserves it.  

She's a double-bass player and singer with a really cool style.  I don't know much about jazz - I might not be phosisticated enough to get it! - but she's a cool chick.  Check out that dress!

She'll probably get all kinds of hate mail from 9 year old girls.  She and Biebs had a backstage conversation that "conveniently" got recorded, in which they complimented each other's hair.  I'm serious.

The next musical act was a combo piece featuring Mumford & Sons - who I am officially a fan of now!!!

 - and another nifty band of banjo playing old timey musicians whose name I seem to have totally forgotten despite kinda liking them.  Gah.  Somebody's brothers????  Help me out here!!!

Aaaaaand...Bob Dylan!

He ain't gonna work on Maggies farm no more.  I just hope he keeps showing up.  I've grown quite fond of his rhythmic mumbling and craggy grin and harmonica playing.  

Later, in a total opposite of Bob and friends...

Oh my gosh people, for real.  Cee Lo Green.  Gwyneth Paltrow.  

MUPPETS.

Also, fake rocket ships, a glittery piano, and feathers.  

I liked Gwyneth here.  She wore towering heels, like she does, and hot pink feather earrings, which I want.  Badly.  And can she sing?  Why yes, we will allow her to sing!

They performed (The Song Otherwise Known As) Forget You.  The Muppet background singers got to do the line, "Ain't that some SHHHH."  

Cee Lo delights me.  Here you can see him in his feather outfit which included a sparkly (chain mail?) hood, yellow and blue feathers sprouting from behind his head, and a silver chest plate with abs. It might have been a 60 pack.  Annyong counted.  That was some big silver abs.    

This whole thing made me giggle and groove at the same time!  For a second or so, I wasn't sure what I had just seen.  But I loved it.

Well it takes all kinds to make a world.  Our lovely Katy Perry stepped up to do a ballad... seriously... on a swing... with what appeared to be her wedding video projected onto a sheet behind her.  And the sheet was actually...part of her dress.  

Oh dear.

I like this girl.  She's perky, she's gorgeous, fun, and always sings live.  She's an overambitious singer, but she's reliable and gutsy.  Keep all that in mind when I say I really didn't dig this.

Her red carpet outfit was classic Katy though.  Show-offy and costumey and kinda goofy.  

Dude, she had wings. And she brought her 90 year old grandma with her!  

Of course there was much Russell Brand smoochiness.  

Awwww.  

All they need is a sunset and some unicorns frolicking in the background and it'd be the best wedding portrait ever.  

Well, it's the Grammys, and that means an appearance by John "Depp-like" Mayer.  Wow.  It's like he studied all the press tours for those pirate movies before getting dressed.  I mean, yes there are physical similarities between the two men, but geez!

(I still think he's cute, either because of or despite the Depp-ness!)

See what I mean????

John Mayer, Norah Jones, and Keith Urban did a little Dolly Parton tribute.  I love Dolly, and this trio sang a very cool "Jolene" cover.  

But enough of that - time to change things up.  Eminem, dark haired and grown up and sporting a very impressive forehead vein, came out to do his angry rapping thing.  I actually like this guy.  His timing is incredible.  Not like I know anything about rap.  

His giant massive hit this year included Rhianna, so... here she is, in all her magnificence.

Oh my gosh I would wear this.  I'm not kidding.  That is some crazy big layers of skirt.

It really suited the song too.

Let's just talk about Rhianna for a minute.  I think she's got a unique voice, she's beautiful, she is a strong lady, and she manages to be as naked as possible in public without technically breaking any rules.

Oh I just shrieked in giggles when I saw this.  Is it a soft fuzzy accordion or an upholstered slinky? 

Look at her expression.  

This dress is ridiculous and I love it!

You'd have to be shaped like her to make it work, and few of us are shaped like her.  

I got me some backside, but... I don't think I could get away with this.  Although... I wonder if it camouflages cellulite...

Things went off the rails later on in the show.  We'll get there soon.  Trust me, it's awful.

But first, the obligatory message from Neil Portnow, president of the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences. He came out to say his speech about how important music is and how the music biz is (barely) alive, and while other people probably go out to the kitchen to get a snack, I'm on the couch going, "Yay!  Music will never die!!! Say it loud, Neil!  SUPPORT!"

Then the promised, first ever, historical event: Mick Jagger performs live on the Grammy Stage. 

Oh.  Wow.

Look, I know.  Annyong's facebook page was, within seconds, (Yes she had it on while watching the show, these kids today) full of messages about how OLD Mick is and how WEIRD he is.  Pffft.  The Young.  Youth is wasted on them.  

Dude here is what, 68 years old?  Hello?  Think you'll be doing the Mick Jagger dance when you're sixty-eight?  Heck I can't move like that now.  Say what you will about his style but the feller is still as limber as ever.  And, he looks like he's having a hell of a lot of fun!

And his voice?  He sounds exactly the same as he always has.  (Geez I hope he was live!)

I particularly love this photo.

Dare you to not love it!  

Shifting gears once more, BARBRA sang, and I think I spent her entire song telling Annyong about Barbra's stage fright struggles, and that she overcame it and became the biggest star in the yadda yadda yadda.  The woman is fabulous, she's like buttah.  (Mike Meyers reference joke. You're welcome.)

As promised... the disastrous Drake set in which Rhianna wore something awful.

What the...?  What?  Is that... are those... mosaic undies?  With red fringe?  Huh?  Strip show?  Really?  Gyrating and grinding??  Look, most guys I know would not have a problem with this... and I'm no prude, really...okay sometimes I get slightly prudish but only occasionally... but this?  I don't even know what the song was.  Too distracted.  Both appalled and fascinated.  And Drake - what up man?  Why do you look so ANGRY?  I have no idea if this guy's a good rapper or not.  Maybe I'll never know.

But I do know this:  We got some unintentional comedy out of it.  Look at her face.  (Look UP guys.)

She's all grinny and it looks like her eyes are rolled off to the side so far she can't even see.  And again with the backside.  The outfit is stupid and ugly but at least she's got something to show for it.  

And speaking of backside...

Did anybody else think Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez's little schtick was weird?  

He would sing a line of a song and she'd act like she was embarrassed and wanted him to just stop singing.  AWKWARD!  

And I'm thinking, OH NO!  Are J Lo and Marc next?  Say it isn't so!  They're a great couple: he's a brilliant singer and she's fricking J LO!

She didn't sing.  She doesn't have to.

A few other notable sightings on the internets the next day:

Cyndi Lauper. 

I LOVED her when I was thirteen!  You know what?  She was my first concert.  Oh my gosh she was fun.  And weird.  What a relief for my weird little 13 year old self.  Know what else? I still dig her vibe and I'd love to sit down with her and go through the earring box.

As most of you know, I sometimes watch that big talent contest, especially now that Fricking J Lo and STEVEN TYLER whom I have always loved are on it.

Last year Crystal Bowersox stole my heart.  She didn't win.  I'm glad.  She'll find her own way.

And she looked gorgeous. 

Speaking of which...

Kelly Osbourne!!!  Look at you! 

I always thought the kid was cute.  Even being a televised brat, I still thought she had a natural prettiness.  She's grown into it while still keeping some brattitude.  Plus she looks fit and healthy.  WIN.

Well, the whole thing ended on a note of weirdness for me.  Discordant?  Dis-chord-ant?  The Album of the Year is the Biggun at this awards show.  It was won by a band that I just don't understand. 

Arcade Fire, to critics and hipsters, are the coolest band going right now. To me, they're a bunch of people flailing at instruments and wailing into mics and looking like they haven't seen the sun in two months.  Their music sounds like a bunch of drum thumping and monotonous strumming.  The performance was full of harsh strobe lights that not only tried to distract me from the noise but darn near made me pass out.  

But what do I know?  

I'm not a musician. I thought Gaga's black plastic bum cheeks outfit was funny.  I think banjoes are metal.  I'd like to hear a Cee Lo- Biebs collaboration.  What the hell do I know about music?

I'm the one reading reviews written by music snobs and wondering if anyone else has noticed that the emperor is nekkid.  Ironically there is a line in an Arcade Fire song about an emperor with no clothes.  

But you know what?

They're from my country.  Whenever anybody from Canada does well globally, I'm happy.  It ain't easy; a tour takes months because of the distances, and the music biz is really in a state of upheaval.  (Or maybe I just think it's worse here?)  I mean, a Canadian artist winning a freaking Grammy is a big deal.  There's a lot of competition you know!  So, I'm happy for them.

Most of all, I warmed to them because of their reaction to their win.

Pure elation.

They played another song, because they like music.  That's what the man said.

I may not get it, but others are getting it, the band are doing what they love, and isn't that what music is all about?