Heidi the Hick hands out the 2010 Awards!

Yeah I know, 2010 was over almost two weeks ago, and I have plenty of good excuses why this is so late, but they're boring, so let's get the fun going and HAND OUT SOME AWARDS!

BEST USE OF JOHNNY DEPP IN A MOVIE:

ALICE IN WONDERLAND

Almost unrecognizable, totally unsexy (unless you're into this kind of thing, hey I won't judge) and really defining the classical use of the word "mad," Johnny is a delight!

A disturbing delight.  A possibly frightening, most likely unpredictable delight.

And really, this is why he's my favourite.  He's not afraid to do this, and he throws himself right into it.  I mean seriously, is this nightmare inducing or hilarious?  BOTH!

MOST IGNORED USE OF JOHNNY DEPP IN A MOVIE

THE TOURIST

He looks gorgeous in this flick.  The fake beard is kind of fun.  Yeah it's fake; when have you ever seen him as himself with that much carefully manscaped facial hair?  Also: am I the only one who obsesses about details like beards and moustaches and silver hairs???

Anyways... I couldn't tell from the trailers if it was a thriller, a black comedy or a romance.  All of the above?  The scenery looks really nice...

It's not that I didn't want to go see it, it's just that December is not a good time of year for me to go gallivanting to the movie theatre, but having said that I don't really gallivant very often, so um, sorry Johnny.  I didn't see your movie.  I'll catch it on video!!

Dude, nice jammies!

BEST TANK STUNT

Okay, think it over.  TANK STUNT.

I don't care if it's impossible, alright?  Tank stunt, people.  

Also, Bradley Cooper has pretty blue eyes.

Hey, help me out here: was the original van from the show a Ford?  It's a badass GMC this time around.  This movie totally ignited my craving to have a full size van with a fully shag carpeted interior.  

THE "TOM FRIGGIN CRUISE DOES ALL HIS OWN STUNTS" AWARD

GOES TO TOM CRUISE!!!

How funny is this still shot?  

I took my younguns to see this.  I couldn't tell you what the heck it's about... just lots of chase scenes and  explosions.  The kids loved it, because, you know, TOM FRIGGIN CRUISE.  He does all his own stunts you know. 

It was fun, despite all the gun shooting and crap.   I'm not crazy about shooting scenes.  But oh man, the three of us roared with laughter when ALL the black clad Bad Guys fell to their deaths, fatally wounded from one well-aimed shot.  Classic!

I wish they would have done more with Cameron Diaz.  She played a chick who restores muscle cars, but we only saw the '66 GTO maybe three times.  Rip off!  It irritated me that she spent most of the movie getting drugged or being knocked unconscious. This is Cameron Diaz... doesn't she do All Her Own Stunts too?  

There are so many behind the scenes pictures like this on the internet.  Know why?  CUZ HE DOES ALL HIS OWN STUNTS!

(Nice boots, Cam!)

MOST AWESOME SUPERVILLAIN COMEDY

DESPICABLE ME!

Loved it!  Love the politically incorrect, vaguely accented villain.

Love the three kids.

Love the minions.  Don't even know what the heck they are, but they're funny.

Love the nerdy up-coming villain.  Groovy pad, dude.

Adored Kyle the vicious dog. 

Watch it and have a laugh.

MOST INCREDIBLE TRILOGY/ BEST BOOK OF THE YEAR AWARD

Believe all the praise you hear about The Hunger Games Trilogy.  It is well written, intense, gripping, frightening, and will make you think about the world we live in.  

I warn you: be prepared to read all three.  

It is the rare story that grabbed me, then my 16 year old daughter, then my 14 year old son.  Worth the money to buy all three of the books.  

BEST FAMILY DRAMA, NOVEL CATEGORY

SOME KIND OF NORMAL by Heidi Willis was technically published at the end of 2009, but I read it in 2010 and it's my blog so I say it counts.  

Mostly I'm putting it here because I love this story.

I've bought it twice to give away as a gift.  That's how much I love it.  

BEST SERIES WRITTEN BY A GUY I KNOW IN REAL LIFE!

The DREAMCAST series by Paul Telegdi.  

I knew about this guy's skill at storytelling, as I'd read a few of his books already.  For these stories, he goes in a different direction: Young man discovers psychic abilities (very unpleasantly) and feels compelled to stop violent criminals.  

Here's his website!

BEST DEPRAVED ROCK STAR AUTOBIOGRAPHY

It's the book I'm reading at the time I'm writing this report.  Yep, got it for Christmas!  Enjoying it, cos it's bluddy grawer up yer muvvah fargggher!  Larf larf larf!  Izzex endrugs en rogckenroll, man!

Of course, I award Keef's book, but I haven't read I AM OZZY yet...!

THE ACTOR CAREER SWITCH NOVEL AWARD

After reading an excerpt, I asked for it for a gift.  So let's see, Steve Martin is: a wild and crazy guy, a grammy winning banjo player, an actor and a pretty darn good writer.  

BEST BAND YOU NEED TO FIND OUT ABOUT AWARD

You know when you have a friend who's in a band, and you know he's a good musician, but you're deathly afraid that his band might not be very good so you're nervous to go see them?  And you know that feeling of relief when you find out the whole band are good musicians, they totally have their s*** together, and put on a rocking live show?  Oh, and then your elation when you get their album in your hands, and the packaging is gorgeous, and the songs are excellent and it ROCKS?!

THAT.

(To be honest, I totally expected this to be awesome, and it is.)

THE "COMEBACK? HE NEVER WENT AWAY" AWARD 

ROBERT PLANT!

He went back to Nashville and made a record, called BAND OF JOY with a whole new set of musicians.  It's kind of a bluegrass meets folk meets early Golden-God-Rock.  Right? Wonderful.

But maybe don't trust my opinion.  I'm totally biased.  I love the man.  If he sang the phone book I'd swoon.  

Oh, you gnarly old lion. I am still in love with yoooooooooo!

I don't care if you're the same age as my mother!  

My love doesn't lead to the freeway and I don't care what the neighbours say.

This concludes Heidi the Hick's 2010 Awards.

Hey, started the awards with Johnny Depp and finished with Robert Plant.  

Maybe 2010 wasn't so bad after all!

2010 Emmy awards and VMA: We're really just here for the outfits, man.

Yeah I know.  The Emmy awards were ages ago.  Hey, I'm really busy over here, what with farrier visits and sharing a car with Grandma while I am left truckless!! I couldn't leave the Emmy thing without a comment though, so have a look and then we'll get to the real fun stuff dished up over at MTV.  Honestly, I didn't even watch the VMAs.  There's this great thing called the Internet though, so I got what I needed to know.  Namely, what everybody wore!  Get in and get comfy, here we go...

Tina Fey is genuinely talented, funny, and an extremely good looking woman.  I know, what's not to love?  She looked so good in this dress, I want to tap her on the shoulder and say, "Tina, you're gorgeous and you look perfect in this dress, so SMILE lady!"  But I don't asked to help with these things. I should be, though.  I got ideas.

I hope that face is a smug expression of triumph, because she rocks.

Next, the expression of happiness.  Look how cute this girl is!  I'm not sure if the dress is crooked or if she's standing sort of off centre, but I do like it.  I wonder if the ruffles make swishing noises.

(Who is she?  Is she on Glee?  I'm afraid of that show.)

It's Crazy Dress Time!  January Jones has a fun name, and wore a dress made of some kind of weird fabric that looks like crimped blue tin foil.  It looks wildly uncomfortable.   

However, it doesn't look like anybody else's dress, so good job there.  She knows how to work it.  Her hair looks much like mine does after picking out eight hooves.  I think that's a good thing.  Most of all I love how this photo was snapped on an angle.  Whoooo-ahhhh-oooohhhh!  She's on Mad Men.  Should I be watching that show?

Her castmate, Christina Hendricks, is an unbelievable red-haired barbie doll.  She is by no means large, but she clearly hasn't tried to starve herself into a stupid Hollywood size zero.  Yay!  

I like the colour on her fair skin, and it looks feathery.  I like feathers.  Lavender feathers are a bonus!

I don't like this though.  By the looks of it, she doesn't either.  So sad.

But I do like looking at people in the background in some of these photos.  Where are they going?  Who are they talking to?  Are they also former farm kids and can't believe they're really there with all the famous people?  Are they too wondering what the heck is wrong with Anna's skirt?  

I love this picture the MOST.  I love Rita Wilson's crazy sparkly... chandelier looking... drape?  over her dress.  I love that she matched the shoes to it! 

And really love how Tom Hanks is back there grinning at his wife.  This makes me happy all over!

Speaking of husband and wife: Kevin and Kyra forever!  If you don't like Kevin Bacon, you are lying.  Kyra Sedgwick is so pretty and doesn't pretend to be ten years younger than she is.  She once played a sister to Julia Roberts, which made perfect sense to me.  

I like her loose wavy hair.  And you know, his shades.  Because he's Kevin Bacon and he can.

Toni Collette's dress disturbs me.  Only her fierce attitude saves it.

I can't help it... I just think it looks like she accidentally dragged a grey dress through a wet field on the way there.  I want to like it, because it is interesting, but it's the possibility that I'll have to hose if off and hang it on the fence until morning. Sorry Toni.  I'm sure everybody said that, and you got sick of hearing it,  and you really thought this dress was cool.  Oh well.  Shorter hem next year??

Jane Lynch is awesome.  She's been in a few movies put together by Christopher Guest (whom I love) and even though I don't watch Glee, I know that Sue Sylvester is a legendary character!

Doesn't she look beautiful in this purple gown?!?

Also, the actual award itself... doesn't it look like the hood ornament from a magnificent and now extinct luxury car from the 1920s?

I can't remember who all won stuff, and truthfully don't totally care.  George Clooney got a special humanitarian award.  I like George.  He's a solid actor and he just seems like a genuinely cool dude.  Smart too.  No nonsense, just a clever, funny, articulate, friendly, decent guy.

Plus he's just so darn good looking.  

You can love him, go ahead.  Just don't plan on marrying him, Ok?

Okay enough of the respectable serious stuff.  Let's get some fun going on here.  And who brings the fun better than anybody else these days?  Katy Perry!

She's wearing what looks like a black tattoo on a nekkid torso, and it's one of the most formal and elegant things she's worn.  There is no fake food sewn onto it.  Her hair has colours in it and you know I can't resist colourful hair!

Most of all...

 This girl is just so darn beautiful.  It's natural.  I know she's wearing a layer of makeup but she's pretty for real.  And, she sings live.  You can tell by the odd bum note here and there.  I'm not being mean, because even awesome singers miss a few, and I have so much respect for anybody who performs for real!

And then... part the seas of the ordinary... make way for the fierce.  The magnificent.  The frightening.

The Gaga.

Can I tell you how much I love this picture?  She's all like, "I need not command the riff raff to move.  They simply shall clear the way."  And her personal hand holder/ dress wrangler/ wig steadier looks rather afraid of her.  And what's with the guy on the other side with medals on his jacket????

Just bizarre.

She's totally got the attitude for this dress.  Also it appears that she has gold metal feathers on her head.  She looks like she is owning the place, and totally relishing it.

I mean, what's not to love.  Unless you totally resent her for making music that sticks in your head like rubber cement, especially if you're angry that those sticky tunes contain non-words.  Completely justified, really, but you still gotta hand it to her for bringing the confidently crazy to the show.

By contrast, this youngun looks miserable.  I think I would be too if I chose a plastic dress to wear to the VMAs.  I'd be totally uncomfortable, worried about heat rash and trying to figure out where to put that rope glued to my head, and then friggin Gaga comes storming in on a cloud of red and black and gold swirls with her stupid head feathers and stupid blue and pink hair and stupid own-face.  Geez.  And then I'd worry that people won't even get it that the rope is supposed to be a braid, like a long Rapunzel kind of braid, and on top of all that nobody's even noticing these legs which are actually surprisingly great, and yeah, I'd look miserable too.

Besides, what does Gaga actually look like? Unless she's dressed in something that isn't technically clothes, would be recognize her?  I know I tend to look like a different person in every photo, but this chick... I just don't know what to say.  She only slightly looks like someone related to her.  

On a different but related (see what I did there) topic, yes, apparently she is wearing a meat dress.  Those are two words that shouldn't go together.  At first I saw the pictures and thought, "there's no way that's real meat.  It's canvas or something with an incredibly intricate dye job."  But then I started thinking about BBQ and marbling and wow, if that really is meat, this just opens a whole other can of pork and beans, man.  Like, are we that wasteful in the "developed" world that we can just wear food?  You know nobody's gonna wanna cook this up when she's done with it.  And at least Katy Perry's sushi dress was fake sushi.  Although there are probably carnivorous men in this world who would think, "Woman + meat =happiness" so there's that, but still... and then I have to stop thinking about it.

Luckily, we have Cher.  She is still here to make us forget everything else.  So yeah, Gag gag.  And you too Madonna and Ke-dollarsign-a and Rhianna and all you girls, talented or not, who think you got the shock value thing all figured out.



No, dude.  Cher invented that shock value thing.

Say what you want about her age, her giant wig, or her heavily made up face.  She's 64.  And she's rocking that ridiculous suit she first wore 25 years ago- in a video MTV was scared of.

Honestly, this isn't fair... I mean, few of us can aspire to being in this shape at 64.  Few of us are now.  Maybe she's got a whopping combo of good genes and luck.  Maybe she can afford a magic fitness guru, I don't know, but she's kind of unrealistic. Heck, good for her.  Way to show up and put everything in its place Cher.  Now please make another movie!!!

Well, most people were watching this show to see if good ol Kanye would do anything bone headed, and how Sweet Taylor would respond.  Oh my gosh.  I'm kinda glad I didn't watch this.  I mean, I tell you I watch the awards shows so you don't have to, but man, this must have been awkward.

What is she, 19?  She's wearing as much makeup as Cher.  They've made her unrecognizable.  Seriously if I hadn't been told this is Taylor Swift, I might have thought she was Natalie Maines, who is cute, but no longer nineteen years old. 

Well, the leather wingback chair is nice, and that national guitar is lovely.  I'd like to give the poor girl a pair of soft fuzzy socks.  I know how hard it is to warm your toes with your other toes.

Can you imagine her stylists and publicists and managers debating this look/ vibe/ song choice/ lighting/ for the last year?  Ack.  I mean, it makes me tired just thinking of it.

So let's talk about Kanye.

I have spent the last few years trying to decide if I like this guy or not.  He alternately pisses me off, delights me, irritates me, amuses me, and makes me wonder why his clothes always look like really expensive but highly tacky upholstery.

I keep hearing about his hilarious twitter posts.  I can't figure out if he knows he's funny or if he takes himself seriously.  If you really want the Kanye Report, the Fug Girls said it best.

So if we're keeping track, it looks to me like the Kanye/ Taylor smackdown was a big giant awkward nothing.  Apparently missing the actual broadcast didn't ruin my life.

Next year they should ask Gaga's wild Alexander McQueen royalty gown to host the show.