2010 OSCAR REPORT (cuz Heidi the Hick loves showbiz)

Let's just get the shocking truth out of the way right now.  

I did not watch the Oscars.

I wanted to, but let's just say I was very busy this weekend.  As the hours ticked by and my work wasn't done yet, anything on TV got less important.  Good news: finished the job.  (sort of.)  More good news: This "internet" system got invented so that people like me can catch up on stuff we missed.  Oh magical Internet... I don't have a clue how it works, I can't decide if I love it or hate it, but I can hardly live without it.

On with the show!!!  

Okay so first of all, I missed The Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin Show.  Or was it the Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin Show?  I think Steve Martin is reliably hilarious.  Did you know he's a great banjo player?  It's true.  He can play any depressing song on a banjo and make it sound happy.  And Baldwin, well, he's... A-rec Baw-win!  As Bucky would say, it just got smarmy in here.  And you like it.

They appear to be holding hands in this picture.  

I assume here they're riffing on Avatar.  Or maybe that movie about the meatballs that Sweetie saw with a couple of little kids. It gave her a headache.  

Now this!  I do not know what THIS is!  Clearly, it involves Neil Patrick Harris, who has been known to make me giggle, and a couple of showgirls, and possibly a couple more dancers in tuxes.  I have no idea why, but I don't think he needs a reason.  

Is that a freakin' sparkly tuxedo smoking jacket he's wearing?  It looks like it'd crackle with every movement, which is icky and adds to the funny.  It was funny, right?

Speaking of funny... I didn't have to watch the Oscars to see THIS about five times.  Every news show ran it repeatedly the next day.

It was friggin' hilarious the first two!   Then it was like, yeh.  Doesn't Stiller look terrifying in this shot?  I couldn't find a pic of his tail.  That wouldn't get old.  Tails are awesome, even if they're sticking out of the seat of pants.

There was a John Hughes tribute, which I was disappointed to have missed.  Some of those movies were defining moments in my life.  I remember being about 13 and thinking Pretty in Pink was the best movie ever.  I liked her car.  Years later I wondered how the heck an impoverished teenager could afford to buy a vintage Volkswagen Kharman Ghia regardless of the condition it was in.  Also years later I noticed that cute redheaded Molly was really good at playing cute redheaded Molly but whatever.  John Hughes made an entire movie about high school detention.  Dudes, I did some of my best sketches in detention.  Good times.

Also, two words for you:    Uncle.     Buck.

Alright.  Time for the real reason you're here.  CLOTHES.  Ohmygosh thisissomuchfun let's do this!

Here I dug up a pic of Tarantino with Diane Krueger, (aka Woman from National Treasure movies).

I'm starting off with this dress because it caused some controversy.  Half of the gossip/ entertainment/ news type people who allegedly get to spout opinions on this things (I hereby appoint myself as one of them) absolutely LOVED this dress.  The other half HATED it.  I think it's cool!  All those ribbons and ruffles!  That creamy pale pink with the black contrast!  Can you imagine how much my cat would love this?!  However I'm still a practical farm kid at heart and I can't figure how one would sit in a dress like that.  Wouldn't all those little rose-shaped ruffles get crushed?

And another divisive outfit, this time on good ol' SJP, who can always be counted on to show up and be photographed.  This year she had on this bizarre sheath with some kind of silver ornamentation and a neck strap... and it was like... the back was... Oh heck I just don't know.

It stirred up some serious Love-Hate. 

Thing is, she brings her Permanent Date with her, Matthew "Ferris Bueller" Broderick.  You know.  Star of One Of The Best Movies Ever.  Speaking of John Hughes.  

Now let's get to a dress that just made my mom sad.  "That poor girl," she said, "Doesn't she have a mirror?"  Maybe she only looked at her side view.  Seems okay, right? Pretty colour.  

But um, from the front it looks like she's got rose-boobs.  Grabby hands.  Soft Targets.  Swirly Nippies.  Cupcakes.  Hypnotizers. Does she know?  Is she aware that in the picture above, it appears that people behind her are laughing at her.  So sad.

Then we got over it, because A) she's Charlize Theron and this will likely not wreck her career, and B) there are much worse to come.

Like THIS.

THIS just makes me angry.  I'm serious. Angry for so many reasons.

The Cyrus Kid.  Oh, forehead slap, head shake, Cyrus Kid.

I don't know why she's there, I don't know how she can be so cute and yet sound like a 67-year old pool-hall lizard when she speaks, and I don't know how she can have parents who let her out of the house looking like THIS.

In every single picture from the Oscars, she's slouched, hunched over, with her arms clasped to her sides.  It looks like her rib cage has been squished.  She looks uncomfortable and fake.  If she lifted her arms even an inch, she'd pop right out of that hideous K-mart looking corset top.  Also the skirt on that thing is gross.

I don't understand this - doesn't anybody love her????  Doesn't anybody look at this situation and wonder why this kid is wearing a cheap looking dress that is clearly too small for her? Why can't they just let her be a teenager?  Why must she be dressed in tacky tight crap that makes her look miserable?

Gah.  People.

Then there's this, which doesn't make me angry, but simply perplexed.

I just don't get it.

Also, why this very pale thin young lady decided to wear a dress that makes her top half look like she was poured into a flute glass.  She looks like a tube with a puffy skirt.  The skirt is lovely, although it looks like it might be made out of bubble wrap.  But that bodice, it's ready to swallow up anything that falls out of her face.  It's not good.  

This is better.  It's purty and soft.  I just wish it was a slightly more bold shade of dusty pinky rosy blush.

OH my GOSH is that a peek of LEG?  I almost didn't see that.  It blends.  The lace is cute though.  Reminds me of the curtains I plan to hang in my future farm house.  In the formal dining room/ horse observation lounge.  Oh yes, big filmy ruffly lacy curtains, like Dolly Parton's Opry gowns.  Wait, where was I?

Ah, Monique, amazing piece of work.

Great colour, and with her hair back we can see her pretty face.  She won the little golden dude for Best Supporting Actress.  I have got to see that movie, even though I'm kind of scared of it.  

This girl is a riot.  I'm honestly not sure about the dress.  Everybody else seems to be all over it with the gushing, but I think it's a little too busy.  I've seen her in better.  I just don't think it's as flattering as it could be.  Having said that, royal blue is stunning against her dark skin, and it totally matches her fun, sparkling personality!

I love her name.  Gabour-AY.  It seems a shame to shorten it to Gabby.  I hope we see more of her.  I'm surprised she didn't win the Oscar, because from the movie clips I've seen, she put down one hell of a piece of acting.  Geez.  She's nothing like that character.  She's a total blast.  

I think Jeff Bridges is awesome.  He's the Dude, man.  He looked cool and confident, and I love how he and his pretty wife look together.  They've been married for over 30 years.  Good job!

Check him out with the grey streaks in her hair and beard, the well weathered squint.  Contrasts so beautifully with the tux!  She's lovely too.  Not a crazy dress, just elegant and classy.  

Speaking of which.  Kathryn Bigelow!  I just read that she's 58 years old.  Obviously she's very athletic and fit.  She doesn't strike me as being a frilly girly-girl.  I think this silver dress suited her very well.

Oh look, another fun couple!  

How much do we love RDJ?!?

His wife Susan is stunning.  Who can get away with sparkly horizontal stripes???? Um, her.  Also I think it's fun that his bow tie matches her dress.  He's gotten some flack from some of the more perfeshnul critics for wearing sneakers but hey man, he wasn't up for an award. He didn't really need to be super formal.  Also, he is RDJ and therefore he can do what he wants. 

Winslet.  She should have looked like this last year when she won.  Sigh.

Not very exciting but flattering and lovely.  Her hair looks sculpted but still soft.  I hated her hair when she was the Oscar winner.  It looked like a helmet.  This is so much better!

Helen Mirren is gorgeous and doesn't try to pretend to be younger than she is.  

She always looks beautiful.  I really think on anybody else this would be at the best, boring, and at the worst, frumpy.  Yet on her it's all, yow, baby, you sparkling silver fox!  

Also I think Meryl (aka Best Living Actress Just Accept It) looked so pretty.  I love her soft hairdo and perfect make up.

Sandra Bullock!  Pefect!  Gorgeous!  Formal and elegant but still looked like herself!

Normally I'd be very suspicious of this fabric.  It looks like it might be the kind of thing I touch when it's hanging on a rack in a store then pull my hand back like it got burned because the fabric is all slippery and icky.  But no!  It looks like liquid smooth fanfrickintastic!

I am not going to call Carey Mulligan Cute.  She must be really sick of that by now.  Instead I will say that she is a pretty young lady and reminds me of Mia Farrow in the 60s.  That's okay, right?

I love, love love, this dress.  It fits right, the hem is different, and it sparkles.  She paired it with giant dangly earrings which really stand out with her short hair. I'm not sure about the shoes but she's young and hip so she can make it work.

But what I really seriously love about this dress is the unexpectedness of the sparklies: they are actually tiny little shiny things!  Objects!  Scissors, buttons, a fork, maybe a wee saxophone?  I mean, why the hell not?  It turns a very formal gown into a walking museum of fun!

And if you want fun - Vera Farmiga wore this fuschia ruffle tube!  Some hated it!  Said it was: too much sculpture, too bright on her pale skin, wrong lipstick colour, wrong colour.  I say, IT'S PINK.

I mean, hello?  Does she look like she's having fun?  Heck yes!

I don't think I could wear it.  At 5'1" I think that dress would wear me.  But I still like it.

And in the crazy fun category, Zoe Saldana's wild purple pom pom creation at first scared me a little but it's grown on me like a weed from another planet.  The colour!! The sparkly top!  The weird waist flap!  Then... the layers of floofy ruffly skirt balls?  What the heck is going on there???

Again, she looks so happy and pleased.  This is the face a great dress should result in.  Well not her face specifically.  Although that would be nice.  She is gorgeous.  What I mean is that in every picture I found, she's flashing that brilliant smile, working the heck outta that insane dress, and apparently loving every minute of it.   I'd call that a success.  

Anyways, so awards.  Yes.  I haven't seen The Blind Side.  I guess this means our girl Sandy did a good job!  I loved her speech.  Sometimes I think we love her regardless of her acting skills, just because she's such a cool chick.  I'd totally hang with her.  I'd even go shopping with her and I hate shopping.

The big story was Hurt Locker vs. Avatar.  Cameron vs. Bigelow.  The small budget vs. the big budget.  Oh and also they were married for two years, way back about twenty years ago.

I think by the look on her face in this picture I dug up, she's not really all that scared of the Big Bad Cameron.

I am so, so, so pleased with this.

I thought Avatar was magnificent, but I remember seeing ads for The Hurt Locker and thinking it looked absolutely intense, with a sly little sense of humour lurking in there.  It might be the one war movie I'd actually watch.  That's something.  So far the only war movie I've enjoyed was Tropic Thunder and yeah, no, that doesn't count.  

I hope the Academy gets their act together from now on.  I'd really like to see it become less of a White Boys' Club.  But I'd also like the recording studio biz to be profitable and for every day to be nice and warm and for my horses to behave consistently.  I mean, it's possible. It's a goal to work towards.  Y'know?

Look at this.  I love this.

I know this feeling.  

That's all I'm going to say.

And for anybody who believes that awards are bullshit, I'd like to counter it with this picture.

Yep.  They're B.S. until you win one.

Now I have to figure out how to get the best of all these ideas into one ass kicking red carpet creation suitable for the wilds of beautiful Newfoundland...

(Oh my gosh, I just realized they're all strapless and I don't have much to hold anything like that up.  Yikes!)

So, agreements?  Disagreements?  What did I leave out?  What did you love and hate about the show, or about this little report?  And can we do this again next year????

Best & Worst of 2009: the Hick Chic awards!

Can we just say that 2009 was The Year of Weird?  Even I thought things got stoopid this year.  Just ridiculous.

THE "JOHNNY DEPP MADE A MOVIE AND I DIDN'T SEE IT" AWARD

Me.

I know, you're wondering what the heck is wrong with me.  I have excuses!  Nobody would go with me.  Jethro had to work all summer.  I spent all my movie money on feeding the two teenagers.  It'll take 15 minutes in a snowstorm to get to the video store.  Life is hard, man.  Sorry Johnny.



THE "HUMANS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO HAVE LITTERS" AWARD

Those aren't babies those are kittens.  Geez.  You know, where I come from it wasn't unusual to have 14 kids.  It's just that they came in pairs at the most, rarely triplets, and mostly one at a time.  Greedy here had to have eight at one time.  Eight.  I know dogs and pigs who've had eight babies at once.  Oh and also, women who had 14 children didn't often have time to dye their hair black or fix their eyebrows or get their lips plumped.  (Nevermind that these women wore cape dresses and coverings okay?  They probably wouldn't have taken time to tart up anyways.)



THE "NO SERIOUSLY MAKE HIM STOP NOW" AWARD

Can anybody stop him?  Does anybody know if he plans these acts of stupidity or if it's a publicity stunt?  Can we give him a curfew or something?  Detention?  Grounding?  Time out chair?



THE "STOP LOOKIN' SO GOOD NO PLEASE CONTINUE" AWARD

Jacob the werewolf

Dude, this is like, not right.  I mean, it's really way too right, but... I mean it's just not legal.  I feel so dirty.  But not.  My 15 year old daughter was really amused that little gasping noises kept coming out of me in the movie theatre every time the shirt came off.  In my defense, I wasn't making noises intentionally, it was just the rush of air as my jaw hit my knees.  I mean, this ain't right.

I feel like I should apologize to his mother for gawking at her boy like that.

I loved this scene.  After a stupid stunt resulting in stupid Bella ending up in the cold ocean, our warm werewolf friend says, "It's 108 degrees over here."

  I can tell you right now, Jethro may not be a werewolf but he's pretty hot.  Snuggle up, girl, now while you still can.  I'll vouch for a warm dude any day.  Who else is going to warm your feet on a winter night?  Huh?  See?  And make you giggle while he's at it?  Not Mr Cold Controlling, am I right?  These are the valuable lessons I impart to my kid when we see cheesy teen chick flicks together.  It's worth it.

But I'm just saying, as much as it's nice for a mother and daughter to agree on something, he's just way too young to look that good.  And on that, my daughter disagrees with me...

THE "MOVIE BETTER THAN THE BOOK" AWARD

Robert Pattinson

I wasn't a fan of Edward the Vampire when I read the books.  I thought he was controlling and overprotective and blah blah blah.  But I like him now...

Wacky waxy hair and all.  Ooo those pretty eyes and lips, and that manly jaw.  Even if he often looks like he's under the influence of something stronger than a stiff drink or a long nap.  Or both.

Movie Edward kicks the backside of Book Edward because of Pattinson.  Nuff said.

                                    

He's so much better looking in real life, without all the white paint on him.

                                   

Well there's really nothing like lounging in the long grass, scowling theatrically into the breeze.

                             

This counts as a plaid coat.  I do love a man in plaid.

                                       

As much as I liked this character better in movie form, I still find this guy puzzling.  How can he be so good looking and yet give me such a hard time finding good pictures of him???

THE "BACK FROM THE DEAD" AWARD

Spinal Tap

They never let me down.


THE "YOU KEEP ON ROCKIN LIKE YOU DO" AWARD

Iron Maiden.  They don't need to write anything new, because they still rock.  Also this is the only album of theirs without a cover that scares the jeepers outta me.


THE "MANSCARA AND GUYLINER" AWARD

Adam Lambert

A gay dude with killer pipes almost wins American Idol, reinforcing my bizarre affection for glammy rock stars.

Then he did some rude things on TV which may or may not have been planned or unplanned but either way I think that'll learn 'im up real good.  It's okay.  If his rock star career doesn't work out he can play the front man when that novel I'm working on gets made into a movie, right?  Sure.


THE PACK RAT AWARD

Nicolas Cage

So it turns out ol Nic here has some debt problems.

(Around here, you have to hold your mouth in the same way as in the above photo when you say his name.  Try it.  It totally sounds like him. )

To get out of debt, he might have to sell his island, or his rare venomous snake (with antidote) or his rhinestone encrusted helicopter, shrunken head collection, ice sculpture museum, and maybe even the strawberry plantation.  However, he will be keeping his pterodactyl farm.

Dude I'm kidding.  He doesn't have any of that stuff.  I don't think.  Anyways, my kids want to help him out by going to see some wack-ass movie he's in coming up, in which he gets to wear a straggly wig. Oh goody, a wig movie! They just want to make sure things are on the up so Nic can make another National Treasure.  My kids need a good laugh regularly.

Speaking of which...

THE "BEST TV COMEDY, INTENTIONAL OR NOT" AWARD

CSI Miami

 ...thanks to the comedic genius that is Horatio Caine.  (It is supposed to be funny, right?)

We've got a whole repertoire of Shade Swipes and Jacket Sweeps, not to mention Mysterious Mumblings and Pithy Puns.  Oh H, you are a wellspring of imitation worthy quirkiness!  And they have a lot of montages on this show.  (To show it all would take too long. That's why you need a montage.)



THE "THANKFULLY MY KIDS AREN'T FANS" AWARD

the Cyrus Kid

Who approved this????  Who thought this was a good idea??? Honestly, for real?  What I really love is the face on the girl to the right.  Yep.  I agree.


THE "PLEASE STAY REAL" AWARD

the Swift Kid

Please, don't get into drugs or develop a drinking problem or go out with anybody who used to be in Bon Jovi.  Please don't strip on stage.  Do not hang around with anybody whose name rhymes with Garish Stilton.  Don't drive over people's feet.  Don't go to fashion shows wearing nothing but a tube top and ripped pantyhose.  That's about it.  Thanks.



THE "KINDA JEALOUS" AWARD

the Na'vi from Avatar.  They have tails.  Haven't you ever wanted a tail??

Although I can't say I'd like wearing a loin cloth.  Looks so cumbersome.  But the feathers in the hair... I'd do that right now.

Also she has cat eyes and a cat nose and sort of cat-like ears, and I bet she will never gain weight around her belly, plus she can tell her horse-critter what to do by twisting the end of her braid around the critter's antenna or whatever it is, and man, my life would be so much easier if my hair could do that.


THE "WEIRD BEARD" AWARD

Brad Pitt

Admit it, as far as billygoat goatees go, this is magnificent.  Totally skeevy, yes, but awesome at the same time. Bonus points for not using Just For Men on it.

Them beads are nice, Bad Brad.  Goes with the squint.  I think he's letting his inner Eastwood out.  It must get tiring to be so pretty.  I mean, everybody's squawking about how much the beard is hated, which is reason enough for me to say, Brad, beard it up, man.  (Just make sure you scrub that varmint on your face real good.)

THE END OF A FAIRY DUST SPARKLING ERA AWARD

Paula Abdul announced that she would not be on American Idol anymore.  What????  Who's gonna tell those kids that they are beautiful like all the flowers of the sky???

Ellen is funny, and I know she'll be great, but come on.  Is Ellen gonna bring the unicorn dust?  I don't think so.  Ellen does not rule Unicornland and therefore does not have the unicorn dust.  THERE WILL BE NO UNICORN DUST, PEOPLE.  And that is a damn shame. It just won't be the same without Pawler.

THE "TOTAL PACKAGE OF SUPER WEIRDNESS" AWARD

I could not discuss the Year Of Weird without Lady Gaga.  She was ubiquitous.  And weird.

This was the least hideous picture I could find.  You know what the worst part is?  I kind of like her.  I mean, she scares me, but she's so imaginative.  Who else thought of wearing a giant frisbee made out of fake hair on her head?  No you can't see a picture.  I just can't bear the thought of going through pages and pages of images to find it.  I am too weak.  I can't go on.  It would take days to discuss all the ridiculous looks this chick has worn.  Also I can't find a pic of that time she wore a gyrating metal rings of Saturn type thing and I'm so frustrated I am dizzy.  Sometimes when I'm forking horse manure into the wheelbarrow I can't get "Bad Romance" out of my head -- and I like it.  I think it makes me fling it better.  All those little horse poops just plop into place while I'm going "Ga ga oo la la, ro ma ro ma ma, ro ro ro ro mayance...." It's maddening, I tell you.  I'm not proud, just honest.

THE "SAY IT ISN'T SO" AWARD

Oprah.  Does this mean I've missed out on her book club?????

Darnit I was hoping all my writer friends and I could be guests on her show.  I was even practicing my couch jumping technique.  Gah.  Is Ellen thinking of starting up a book club?  Is Paula?  Anybody?

THE "ENTERTAINER OF THE DECADE" AWARD

Hey, I didn't make that one up, honest.

Can I just say, I love how this guy dresses?  It's a look that says, "I care, but I don't care enough to really care" and that's just so cool.  It's like he's purposely screwing with the unwritten laws of formal wear. Way to go Johnny!  Stick it to The Man!

Let's give him the "SCREWING THE LAWS OF FORMAL WEAR" AWARD!!

Yeahhhhh!

Well kids, I'm spent.  Reliving a year in entertainment can be hard work.  I gotta go lie down for a while.  Feel free to discuss your picks for best and worst... and remember, we never know what 2010 will do to top 2009!