Best & Worst of 2009: the Hick Chic awards!

Can we just say that 2009 was The Year of Weird?  Even I thought things got stoopid this year.  Just ridiculous.

THE "JOHNNY DEPP MADE A MOVIE AND I DIDN'T SEE IT" AWARD

Me.

I know, you're wondering what the heck is wrong with me.  I have excuses!  Nobody would go with me.  Jethro had to work all summer.  I spent all my movie money on feeding the two teenagers.  It'll take 15 minutes in a snowstorm to get to the video store.  Life is hard, man.  Sorry Johnny.



THE "HUMANS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO HAVE LITTERS" AWARD

Those aren't babies those are kittens.  Geez.  You know, where I come from it wasn't unusual to have 14 kids.  It's just that they came in pairs at the most, rarely triplets, and mostly one at a time.  Greedy here had to have eight at one time.  Eight.  I know dogs and pigs who've had eight babies at once.  Oh and also, women who had 14 children didn't often have time to dye their hair black or fix their eyebrows or get their lips plumped.  (Nevermind that these women wore cape dresses and coverings okay?  They probably wouldn't have taken time to tart up anyways.)



THE "NO SERIOUSLY MAKE HIM STOP NOW" AWARD

Can anybody stop him?  Does anybody know if he plans these acts of stupidity or if it's a publicity stunt?  Can we give him a curfew or something?  Detention?  Grounding?  Time out chair?



THE "STOP LOOKIN' SO GOOD NO PLEASE CONTINUE" AWARD

Jacob the werewolf

Dude, this is like, not right.  I mean, it's really way too right, but... I mean it's just not legal.  I feel so dirty.  But not.  My 15 year old daughter was really amused that little gasping noises kept coming out of me in the movie theatre every time the shirt came off.  In my defense, I wasn't making noises intentionally, it was just the rush of air as my jaw hit my knees.  I mean, this ain't right.

I feel like I should apologize to his mother for gawking at her boy like that.

I loved this scene.  After a stupid stunt resulting in stupid Bella ending up in the cold ocean, our warm werewolf friend says, "It's 108 degrees over here."

  I can tell you right now, Jethro may not be a werewolf but he's pretty hot.  Snuggle up, girl, now while you still can.  I'll vouch for a warm dude any day.  Who else is going to warm your feet on a winter night?  Huh?  See?  And make you giggle while he's at it?  Not Mr Cold Controlling, am I right?  These are the valuable lessons I impart to my kid when we see cheesy teen chick flicks together.  It's worth it.

But I'm just saying, as much as it's nice for a mother and daughter to agree on something, he's just way too young to look that good.  And on that, my daughter disagrees with me...

THE "MOVIE BETTER THAN THE BOOK" AWARD

Robert Pattinson

I wasn't a fan of Edward the Vampire when I read the books.  I thought he was controlling and overprotective and blah blah blah.  But I like him now...

Wacky waxy hair and all.  Ooo those pretty eyes and lips, and that manly jaw.  Even if he often looks like he's under the influence of something stronger than a stiff drink or a long nap.  Or both.

Movie Edward kicks the backside of Book Edward because of Pattinson.  Nuff said.

                                    

He's so much better looking in real life, without all the white paint on him.

                                   

Well there's really nothing like lounging in the long grass, scowling theatrically into the breeze.

                             

This counts as a plaid coat.  I do love a man in plaid.

                                       

As much as I liked this character better in movie form, I still find this guy puzzling.  How can he be so good looking and yet give me such a hard time finding good pictures of him???

THE "BACK FROM THE DEAD" AWARD

Spinal Tap

They never let me down.


THE "YOU KEEP ON ROCKIN LIKE YOU DO" AWARD

Iron Maiden.  They don't need to write anything new, because they still rock.  Also this is the only album of theirs without a cover that scares the jeepers outta me.


THE "MANSCARA AND GUYLINER" AWARD

Adam Lambert

A gay dude with killer pipes almost wins American Idol, reinforcing my bizarre affection for glammy rock stars.

Then he did some rude things on TV which may or may not have been planned or unplanned but either way I think that'll learn 'im up real good.  It's okay.  If his rock star career doesn't work out he can play the front man when that novel I'm working on gets made into a movie, right?  Sure.


THE PACK RAT AWARD

Nicolas Cage

So it turns out ol Nic here has some debt problems.

(Around here, you have to hold your mouth in the same way as in the above photo when you say his name.  Try it.  It totally sounds like him. )

To get out of debt, he might have to sell his island, or his rare venomous snake (with antidote) or his rhinestone encrusted helicopter, shrunken head collection, ice sculpture museum, and maybe even the strawberry plantation.  However, he will be keeping his pterodactyl farm.

Dude I'm kidding.  He doesn't have any of that stuff.  I don't think.  Anyways, my kids want to help him out by going to see some wack-ass movie he's in coming up, in which he gets to wear a straggly wig. Oh goody, a wig movie! They just want to make sure things are on the up so Nic can make another National Treasure.  My kids need a good laugh regularly.

Speaking of which...

THE "BEST TV COMEDY, INTENTIONAL OR NOT" AWARD

CSI Miami

 ...thanks to the comedic genius that is Horatio Caine.  (It is supposed to be funny, right?)

We've got a whole repertoire of Shade Swipes and Jacket Sweeps, not to mention Mysterious Mumblings and Pithy Puns.  Oh H, you are a wellspring of imitation worthy quirkiness!  And they have a lot of montages on this show.  (To show it all would take too long. That's why you need a montage.)



THE "THANKFULLY MY KIDS AREN'T FANS" AWARD

the Cyrus Kid

Who approved this????  Who thought this was a good idea??? Honestly, for real?  What I really love is the face on the girl to the right.  Yep.  I agree.


THE "PLEASE STAY REAL" AWARD

the Swift Kid

Please, don't get into drugs or develop a drinking problem or go out with anybody who used to be in Bon Jovi.  Please don't strip on stage.  Do not hang around with anybody whose name rhymes with Garish Stilton.  Don't drive over people's feet.  Don't go to fashion shows wearing nothing but a tube top and ripped pantyhose.  That's about it.  Thanks.



THE "KINDA JEALOUS" AWARD

the Na'vi from Avatar.  They have tails.  Haven't you ever wanted a tail??

Although I can't say I'd like wearing a loin cloth.  Looks so cumbersome.  But the feathers in the hair... I'd do that right now.

Also she has cat eyes and a cat nose and sort of cat-like ears, and I bet she will never gain weight around her belly, plus she can tell her horse-critter what to do by twisting the end of her braid around the critter's antenna or whatever it is, and man, my life would be so much easier if my hair could do that.


THE "WEIRD BEARD" AWARD

Brad Pitt

Admit it, as far as billygoat goatees go, this is magnificent.  Totally skeevy, yes, but awesome at the same time. Bonus points for not using Just For Men on it.

Them beads are nice, Bad Brad.  Goes with the squint.  I think he's letting his inner Eastwood out.  It must get tiring to be so pretty.  I mean, everybody's squawking about how much the beard is hated, which is reason enough for me to say, Brad, beard it up, man.  (Just make sure you scrub that varmint on your face real good.)

THE END OF A FAIRY DUST SPARKLING ERA AWARD

Paula Abdul announced that she would not be on American Idol anymore.  What????  Who's gonna tell those kids that they are beautiful like all the flowers of the sky???

Ellen is funny, and I know she'll be great, but come on.  Is Ellen gonna bring the unicorn dust?  I don't think so.  Ellen does not rule Unicornland and therefore does not have the unicorn dust.  THERE WILL BE NO UNICORN DUST, PEOPLE.  And that is a damn shame. It just won't be the same without Pawler.

THE "TOTAL PACKAGE OF SUPER WEIRDNESS" AWARD

I could not discuss the Year Of Weird without Lady Gaga.  She was ubiquitous.  And weird.

This was the least hideous picture I could find.  You know what the worst part is?  I kind of like her.  I mean, she scares me, but she's so imaginative.  Who else thought of wearing a giant frisbee made out of fake hair on her head?  No you can't see a picture.  I just can't bear the thought of going through pages and pages of images to find it.  I am too weak.  I can't go on.  It would take days to discuss all the ridiculous looks this chick has worn.  Also I can't find a pic of that time she wore a gyrating metal rings of Saturn type thing and I'm so frustrated I am dizzy.  Sometimes when I'm forking horse manure into the wheelbarrow I can't get "Bad Romance" out of my head -- and I like it.  I think it makes me fling it better.  All those little horse poops just plop into place while I'm going "Ga ga oo la la, ro ma ro ma ma, ro ro ro ro mayance...." It's maddening, I tell you.  I'm not proud, just honest.

THE "SAY IT ISN'T SO" AWARD

Oprah.  Does this mean I've missed out on her book club?????

Darnit I was hoping all my writer friends and I could be guests on her show.  I was even practicing my couch jumping technique.  Gah.  Is Ellen thinking of starting up a book club?  Is Paula?  Anybody?

THE "ENTERTAINER OF THE DECADE" AWARD

Hey, I didn't make that one up, honest.

Can I just say, I love how this guy dresses?  It's a look that says, "I care, but I don't care enough to really care" and that's just so cool.  It's like he's purposely screwing with the unwritten laws of formal wear. Way to go Johnny!  Stick it to The Man!

Let's give him the "SCREWING THE LAWS OF FORMAL WEAR" AWARD!!

Yeahhhhh!

Well kids, I'm spent.  Reliving a year in entertainment can be hard work.  I gotta go lie down for a while.  Feel free to discuss your picks for best and worst... and remember, we never know what 2010 will do to top 2009!

X MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE Heck this ain't a movie review. It's just a bunch o' pictures...

I took my 12 year old son to see this movie because he is a budding adrenaline junkie and loves explosions and things blowing up and mushroom clouds and chase scenes and sparks and explosions.  He reeeeally wanted to see this one.

I do not enjoy watching violence. I get a little sick to my stomach from all the bloodless mass killing. Bloody killing is worse.  We have all the pacifistic discussions afterwards, about the consequences of violence and the choices the characters made.  But there's no getting around it: the boy likes action.  

 

Me?  I like handsome men.  

I actually do think it's a pretty good movie; it's great looking, has a plot, and even throws in a few moments of comic relief in there to balance out all that rage! and revenge!  

Oh- and did you know that the Wolverine is Canadian??? That he's from way up north?  And that... he's a LUMBERJACK?!?  What?  Yeah-huh!

No way!  WAY!

This movie contains A WHOLE LOTTA HANDSOME.

Ryan Reynolds! Such a nice Canadian boy.  

Liev Schrieber, all bulked up and eeevil, with catlike agility! 

 

Taylor Kitsch... where've you been all m'life? (Um... in CANADA?)

will.i.am  (yep that's how he spells it) got to wear the BEST crazy cowboy hats and belt buckles, and pulled it off with cool swagger.  Also he has lovely eyes.  

See, I'm equal opportunity with the good-lookin, so I can confess that I was quite taken with Lynn Collins, who melts brains with her blue eyed stare.  (It's not as unpleasant as it sounds.)

Daniel Henney as Agent Zero.  Huh?  Really?  Zero?  Hardly!  





Yep, if you can get past the violence - it is a comic book universe story, after all - there's lots to look at.  I'm just sayin'.

Doesn't he look awesome in that ripped up white Hick Hugger?  

Ah yes, current Sexiest Man Alive (although I still have my preferences on that...) as well as Oscar host, Broadway star, Van Helsing (silly movie but he looked great) and family man.  

Finally, I want you to know that I love EVERYTHING about this.  Love the denim jacket with the fuzzy collar.  Love the belt buckle!  Totally love the beat up El Camino. Love the workboots.  Love the general lumberjack vibe. Even diggin' the feathery 70's Camaro chick hair.  

I just love a nice manly outdoorsy Canadian guy, don't you?

(Yeah I know Jackman's not Canadian, he's Australian; everybody knows that, right?  But this was actually filmed partly in New Zealand.  I think New Zealand is another of my favourite actors.  It's played Japan, Canada, and Middle Earth.  Hugh, you look really good as Wolverine, and New Zealand, you look really good as Canada!)

2009 Academy Awards!

Alright kids, I've got 2 hours and 55 minutes worth of lean mean Oscar machine to cover here, so hang on tight and let's go!!

The first person I saw when I turned on my TV was Kate Winslet.  And the first thing I said was, "Oh, I don't like her hair like that."  I do like her dress.  It's interesting and shiny, BUT may I remind us all that this is KATE WINSLET who has a stunning figure, and this dress does not do her justice!  She just looks kind of severe, and I don't think of her that way.  

Well anyways, she's lovely and **SPOILER ALERT** hahaha, I'm going to tell you how the show ended!  She's your Best Actress.  Have you seen The Reader?  Neither have I.  Neither has Hugh Jackman.  

Josh Brolin, Supporting Actor nominee, looked just right, in my opinion.  Maybe it's my belief that a guy in a beard is trustworthy.  Maybe it's because he's just a naturally handsome fella. Maybe it's because Diane Lane is a class act and they look so happy together.  

Then I got an eyeful of The Cyrus Kid in her horrid, ugly, crusty dress.  Look, I may think she has the voice of a 40 year old rock radio DJ with a 30 year pack a day habit, but The Cyrus Kid is cute, and why, WHY would anybody wrap up 16 years worth of cute in 70 lbs of UGLY?  

I got a good laugh out of her though.  She said, in her charming accent, "Ayngelina is, lahk, mah favret person of ahl tahm" which made me think she hasn't done enough reading yet in her life. Nothing against Angelina.  I like her too.  But of all time, Miley.  Of all time.  That's like, a long time ago and stuff.  I wondered aloud why the heck The Cyrus Kid was even there.  My Hick Kid reminded me that she provided the voice for an animated movie that I disregarded cuz I thought it looked kinda lame.  Later I read that Miley wishes Angelina would adopt her.  Careful what you wish for: there are a lot of diapers and baby puke in Angelina's house!

Speaking of Angelina...

She looks like she might have gained 2 lbs, so that's good.  It means Brad is feeding her well. Good for you, Brad.  You better be letting her take naps too.  

I'm going to say it: she is stunning.  I was kinda disappointed that she wore a severe black dress (even though she's awesome in black... it's been nice to see her in colours lately!) but I really like the unexpected emerald earrings and ring.  She was the flash of bright green among all the diamonds; she is different, which is why I like her.  

And Brad.  Darnit Bad Brad, you make it very hard for me to stay mad at you.  

I know he's been cultivating that very strange eyebrows-up-skeevy-character-with-a-mustache look, but... come on.  He has that lovely little goatee with a bit of silver in it.  And those dimples. Sigh.

I swooned audibly when Robert Downey Jr showed up. RDJ!  He looks like a million bucks!

He referred to his wife, producer Susan Levin, as "my date for the rest of this incarnation."  Only he said it in his usual halting, slightly distracted yet deeply intense kind of way.

Mickey Rourke showed up lookin' all Mickey Rourke about things.  I'm really getting an affection for this guy.  He's got that Johnny Depp-like way of dressing how he likes and not caring how everybody else looks.  

His ancient little dog died six days ago.  Oh, Loki.  He'd been carrying her around everywhere he went for the last couple of months.  He wore her picture around his neck. If you don't love him for that, you have no heart.

But then.  Zac Efron actually had me in fits of anger.  Yes, anger.  That, on his head, is a GREASY COMB-OVER!!  

Kid, don't you know that NOBODY can get away with this?  I just - I mean, you can't -- like this is just- aaarrggghhhh.  These frickin kids today!  Grr. 

Here, have some brain bleach.  Replace that awful image with this:

These two gorgeous ladies are Viola Davis and Taraji P Henson. 

They were in the Best Supporting category together.  Don't they look beautiful?  (Although I suspect that Viola's gold dress, which is super flattering on her, might be made of some disgusting plasticky fabric.)  This is such a great picture; one of the images I want to remember when I think of the 2009 Oscars.

Marisa Tomei's dress was an amazing piece of sculpture.   And, it fit!

I'm not usually a fan of muted neutrals but I thought she looked very elegant.

Before the actual show got started, we heard the production designers discuss what they were going for.  I believe the phrase "Magical Sense of Occasion"  got thrown out there.  Well.  As it turns out, we couldn't get the sound to go through all these speakers that Jethro wired up... something about HD broadcast and needing to have a working tuner in the stereo VCR-TV-DVD-XYJK mess, while all I know is that if you turn the bug antennas the right way the screen is clear.  This is the price I pay for being cheap.  What?  Cable is a waste of money... I only watch one channel at a time.  Geez.

Finally the crystal curtains parted- yes, curtains made of Swarovski crystals, imported from Swarovskovia, haha- and there he was- HUGH JACKMAN!

The Wolverine!  The Sexiest Man Alive!  He acts!  He sings!  He dances! He hosts!  

I thought his opening act was genius.  His whole thing was about the old economic downturn, the recession, the hitting of the skids.  He claimed that the budget really got cut, so he spent the weekend in his garage making props for his song and dance.  He acted out all the best Picture nominees.  My favourite was his impression of the Reader.  It was a confusing interpretive dance explaining that he...

 didn't see The Reader, 

he went to the theatre, 

but it was a very long line, 

people seeing Iron Man a second time...



You could tell he actually SANG because he was a little breathy. Yay! Let's hear if for imperfection!  Let's hear it for real life performances!

I can't remember why, now, but Anne Hathaway was up on stage with him as part of the number. I just remember thinking, "she's a good sport."

I thought she looked great. She has finally grown into her big eyes. Lovely.

This year, for the Actor presentations, five former winners came out and spoke briefly about each nominee. It was cool. And probably really embarrassing for the nominees!

Penelope Cruz held her little gold man and said something I scribbled on paper, as best as I could remember it:

Art in all its forms is our universal language, and must be protected.


That is so perfect.  Please remember that.  Thank you, Penelope.  (I read somewhere that she's wearing a 60 year old dress.  I think that is so cool!)

Tina Fey and Steve Martin presented the Screenplay Oscars. They are funny on their own, but together they're killer.  They went on a one-upping contest that ended with:

"Don't... fall in love with me!" 

Ha! Too late!

Suddenly I want to write a movie.  Winner Dustin Lance Black, for the Original Screenplay "Milk" gave a very moving and personal acceptance speech.  I cheered.

Simon Beaufoy, winner of Adapted Screenplay for "Slumdog Millionaire" thanked the author of the novel "Q&A" which the movie was based on.  I cheered again.

Jennifer Aniston and Jack Black presented the Animation Awards.  I didn't get that pair-up.  And you know I love Jack Black.  He ROCKS.  AWKWARDLY.  

Now here's the thing.  I didn't like Jennifer's dress.  There's nothing awfully offensive about it, but it makes her look sort of... average.  That's just wrong.  She has one of the best bodies in this business.  She is physically perfect.  This boring dress does not do her justice at all.

But her boyfriend is cute.  Does anybody else thinks it's stupidly hot that he's almost a decade younger that she is?  And he looks so grown up even.  

This picture on the right is now officially my favourite Jennifer Aniston picture.  THAT is cute!

I can't get over how... lucid John Mayer looks! He doesn't look stoned at all!

Speaking of which...My daughter had a little giggly moment when Robert Pattinson showed up to introduce a little Romance 2008 montage - gotta have a montage - which featured lots of good looking people, some man-kiss, and finally two adorable robots that made us all go, awwww!

Pattinson made me giggle too!  Not just because he's a handsome little devil with those cat eyes of his... but because he always looks at least halfway hammered!  I don't know what it is about him and cameras, but his eyes look slightly crossed and somehow he's always got his mouth going sideways.  I have the same problem.  

The next moment of awesome-funny came from Ben Stiller playing Joachin Phoenix, with Natalie Portman in the role of Straight-man.  

It was... perfect.  And that pink dress is lovely.  Too bad you can't see the wad of rejected chewing gum on the podium.  

As if that wasn't enough, we got treated to a "Pineapple Express" thing that had us all laughing -yes, laughing at the Oscars!  

Seth Rogen and James Franco filmed a sketch where they flop out on the couch to watch some movies.  They think "The Love Guru" is "Slumdog Millionaire."  They want to turn an Oscar into a bong.  They laugh at all the serious Academy favourites.  Best?  James Franco plays a stoner watching James Franco play a gay guy kissing another guy.  Did your head just explode?  

Sadly, things took a downturn with the big song and dance number, featuring broadway darling/ Oscar host Jackman, and Beyonce, who must be on some kind of contract to show up at every awards show, ever.  Don't get me wrong, she's amazing, but I burned out here.  The musical is back, apparently, but I didn't know it ever went away.  Maybe I just watch too many awards shows.  

The Best Supporting Actor award was presented by five previous winners again.  Nominee Philip Seymour Hoffman sat there in the audience wearing a toque.

Ya hoser!  Yer wearin a toque with yer tux, eh?  Take off!  Wait, he's not Canadian, is he?  Oh, is he a skateboard kid?  No?  Member of a NuMetal band? No?  Geez man, a toque?  For real?  

You know who was in this category.  Heath Ledger won for his Joker.  I felt it was well deserved, and I also need to say that his father, mother and sister are a classy bunch of people.  Their acceptance speech was honest and appreciative.  I can't imagine how painful it had to be for them to accept that award for him.  

I actually shed a medicated tear. I was amazed when I realized that my eyes were wet.  The camera showing all those actors sitting in the audience choking down their own tears was enough to trigger it. That's an intensely emotional moment.  Anybody who got through that without tears was either asleep or stone hearted.  

The documentary category was interesting.  The winner for Short Documentary, Megan Mylan, announced that she feels lucky to be able to tell these stories.  Wonderful.  The feature Doc award went to "Man On Wire".  The tightrope man himself, Phillippe Petit, did a few little magic tricks to liven things up.  Yeah, sometimes you need a little crazy Frenshman.

Before the Sounding Editing and Mixing awards, we were treated to a rockin' action movie montage.  You know, to keep the young folks interested and all.  I am so pleased that the editors and mixers and cinematographers get televised awards.  Jethro, a guy who will likely never be handed an award on TV, disagreed.  He says the show's too long.  Man, I would have been in ecstatic hysterics if he'd gotten his Juno on TV.  He of course would have been paralyzed by embarrassment.  Oh well.

I didn't like the Memorial part this year.  They had Queen Latifah singing on the stage while the pictures and dates flashed on the screen.  It was distracting, hard to see, and unfair to her and the dearly departed.  I dont' think the audience should be allowed to clap either.  It should be respectful.  

So Jerry Lewis was given a Humanitarian Award, and bless him, he came out, did a short and sweet speech, and was a perfect gentleman.  Good to see him!

By this time, it was clear that "Slumdog Millionaire" is the little movie that rocks the world.  I haven't seen it but have heard that it's an excellent movie, gritty but ultimately hopeful - my favourite combination! - and ends with a big splashy Bollywood dance number.  Director Danny Boyle's grin got bigger and bigger as the evening went on.  When he got his Best Director Oscar I thought he was gonna explode.  He just jumped up and down and talked to his kids.  It was awesome.

 

To top it off, euphoric Kate Winslet, Oscar in hand, thanked her parents who were somewhere in the audience.  "Dad, whistle or something so I know where you are!"

And he did, sharply!

Sean Penn is your Best Actor.  You know, I think he's mellowed.

He's gonna be quoted for a long time, affectionately calling the Academy "commie homo-lovin sons o' guns."  Then to top it off admitted, "I do know how hard I make it to appreciate me, often."

He also talked about human rights for everybody.  I gotta agree with that.  

So people, have you seen "Slumdog Millionaire" yet?  I think we better.  

When this movie got Best Picture, the stage was full, and it was full of smiles.  

Look at these kids!  Aren't they gorgeous and wonderful?  This is something they'll remember for a long time. 

Dev Patel and Frieda Pinto were glowing and seemed so pleased to be there.  

This is one of my favourite dresses of the whole show.

In contrast, I did feel let down by some of the other actresses.  I hopd Meryl Streep would show up in something frothy accessorized with giant necklaces, just because she's Meryl Streep and can do pretty much anything she wants. 

She looked beautiful, so my disappointment had to settle down.

On the other hand, Tilda Swinton was just such a let down.  She was... beige.  It's just wrong.  She should never be bland!  She looks like a freaky androgynous extra terrestrial David Bowie obsessed zen master.  I want the orange hair and sparkly rubber!  And is that... lipstick?  Oh no, it's just not right.

I hope she gets nominated next year so we get another chance at some Tilda Swinton wackiness.  I mean, we can never hope for genius like The Bjork Swan Dress ever again, but we just have to have that glimmer of hope.  

That's where I'd like to leave you, because HOPE  felt like a big message at this year's Oscar.  

What do we need to tell stories to masses of people?  A script, a story, hard work and talent; according to "Slumdog" producer Christian Colson, passion and belief.  

Say it, Hugh:

"Keep on making movies, and keep on watching them!"